'Drink link' to premature birth
Women who drink heavily, risk giving premature birth. "This is because their waters can break so easily if they're too full of liquid," said Luton Hospital's leading gynaecologist Mike Hunt.
written by IN SEINE, 22 January 2009
Arrested?
A man in Oldham was caught by police today stealing eggs yolks, sugar, cream and flour. Police say they have him in custardy.
written by IainB, 22 January 2009
The World's Problems Solved!
Long time Bowery bum, Andrew Connell, woke up Thursday with the realisation that he knew how to solve all the world's problems. Too excited to pay attention, he ran in front a lorry, dying instantly.
written by Illusnist, 22 January 2009
Understanding Horticulture
Little Billy Benson exploded yesterday afternoon, showering his friend Dougie with six large watermelons. This amazing occurrence, while rare, is proof positive that seeds swallowed will germinate.
written by Illusnist, 22 January 2009
Better Than Waterboarding
Officials in Gitmo tell Obama that they quit waterboarding inmates some time ago as they found that the "Who's On First" routine mixed with three hours of "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" worked better.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2009
New Water-Powered Chevy Carp
When pressed, General Motors confessed to bailout panel that it's new water-powered Chevy Carp runs only in the water.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2009
Obama Pardons Jackass
In his first official pardon, President Obama pardoned Illinois Governor Blagojevich for being such a dunderheaded jackass!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2009
Bright Bunch Coming Along
A new Health, Education & Welfare report states that only 25% of American students could tell the difference between North and South America, while 45% could tell their ass from a hole in the ground.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2009
Barack Feels Their Pain
President Barack Obama made it a point to meet with people today that have lost their homes. He told them that he felt their pain, as his mother-in-law just moved in with them.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2009
Mahmoud The Mouth
In an address to his nation, Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told his people that they now have missiles that could easily reach and destroy the moon.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2009
Hillary's First Report
New Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told reporters this morning that the situation in the middle east is absolutely hopeless, but improving.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2009
Obama Checking Out New Office
One of the first things President Barack Obama did as the new president was he spent 30 minutes alone in the Oval Office, looking for hidden mikes and cameras.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2009
M-Theory Accounts For Missing Persons
Scientists have discovered that many, perhaps as much as 80%, of all missing persons are actually proof that M-theory works, and multiple dimensions are all around us.
written by Illusnist, 22 January 2009
Mad Cows Strike Back
Bovines today have joined together in protest of the McDonald's Big Mac. The protest which lasted until a local slaughterhouse sent someone over, has opened the way for animal protests worldwide.
written by Illusnist, 22 January 2009
Wimpy Found With Two Broken Legs
Wimpy, the longtime freeloader friend of Popeye, was found in an alley with two broken legs this morning. It seems someone wasn't happy about getting paid on Thursday for a hamburger today.
written by Illusnist, 22 January 2009
Wanted: Lost Satchel of Money
If you or someone you know has found a large brown satchel containing 53 thousand dollars in $20 bills, please return it to me. I left it somewhere near your house yesterday afternoon.
written by Illusnist, 22 January 2009
Price for Gasoline Drops Below Bottled Water!
Tumbleweeds, Oklahoma, yesterday, reported that the price for a gallon of regular unleaded gasoline dropped below the price for a gallon of bottled water for the first time in history. Film at 11.
written by Illusnist, 22 January 2009
Peanut Butter For Brains Recalled
Recent salmonella scares in the United States have prompt many localities to require a total recall on people considered to have peanut butter for brains. The move is for the protection of everyone.
written by Illusnist, 22 January 2009
But American Idol Was The First
After the amazing success of American Idol, Russian Idol, German Idol, and 137 other country Idols, it was inevitable. Next year the Fox Network will premier it's latest Idol show, Martian Idol.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 January 2009
Obama announces plans to replace bird and motto on American money
Eagle is to be replaced with chicken and "E Pluribus Unum" will become "Finger Lickin' Good"
written by unknown
California voters unable to make decision
cannot choose between Richard Simmons, Rosie O'Donnell, and Ellen Degeneres as the new state fruit.
written by unknown
Obama says "I can't justify the expenses of the Rose Garden in these trying times."
Garden to be paved over and replaced with basketball court.
written by unknown
"There's a thin line between love and hate"
It has been a common saying since 1723 and the Pretenders sang a song with that title. Now scientists at the University of Dulwich have measured the "thin line between love and hate" and it is 0.7mm.
written by NODDY, 22 January 2009
Dieting the Fast Weigh
In an unprecedented health breakthrough last week, top dietary experts discovered that fasting, the act of going without food or drink for days at a time, is a fail-proof method of weight loss.
written by Illusnist, 22 January 2009
Obama Replaces White House Kitchen Staff
Disappointed by their complete inability to produce "soul food," President Obama has terminated the entire White House kitchen staff today. "This country needs change," he said, "But I want chitlins!"
written by Illusnist, 22 January 2009
