Where the Wild Things Were (or, Ted Cruz’s Attempted Coup)

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Friday, 8 January 2021

image for Where the Wild Things Were (or, Ted Cruz’s Attempted Coup)

(With apologies to Maurice Sendak)

The year Ted went to Congress and made mischief of one kind and another, Ben Sasse called him "CHILD THING!" and Ted said "I’LL OVERTURN A DEMOCRATIC AND FAIR ELECTION!” So he stomped off to the Senate chamber to initiate a coup.

That very night in the Senate chamber, a chaos grew and grew and grew, until its ceiling hung with crazy Trumpists and the walls of Congress became the world all around Ted, and a tide tumbled by with a megaphone for Ted and his followers, and he sailed off with his treasonous rhetoric to overturn an election.

And when he came to the place where the child things are, the Trumpists roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws ‘til Ted said "I'M HEARING YOU, BROS", and tamed them with the magic trick of staring into all their dull yellow eyes without blinking once, and they were HYPNOTIZED, and called him the most child thing of all, and made him King of the Autocracy Caucus (formerly known as the Republican Party).

"And now," cried Ted, "let the coup d'état begin!"

"Now stop!" said Ted, and sent the child things off to bed without their coup. And Ted the King of All the Child Things was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him best of all.

Then, far away from his deeply red district, he smelled 2024, so he gave up being King of Where the Child Things Are.

But the child things cried, "Oh, please don't go--we'll eat you up--we love you so!" And Ted said, "Well, OK . . . ."

The child things roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and waved their red MAGA hats and showed their terrible claws, but Ted stepped into his limousine and waved good-bye and drove to his deeply red district to his very own room where he found his supper waiting for him and it was still, like his core values, lukewarm.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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