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Funny satire stories about Ted Cruz

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Funny story: The US Proctologists Guild names Ted Cruz "asshole of the year"

The US Proctologists Guild names Ted Cruz "asshole of the year"

One of the most hated individuals in America, Ted "Dracula" Cruz has just been named "The Asshole of The Year" by The US Proctologists Guild. Cruz joins other assholes of the year such as Donald "The Orange Whale" Trump, Ann "Horse Face" Coulter,…

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Funny story: Trump has just picked Ted Cruz to be his vice-presidential running mate

Trump has just picked Ted Cruz to be his vice-presidential running mate

Well ladies and gentleman, it is now official, Donald Jonathan Erasmus Trump, who many are calling the "Teflon Racist" has just informed the news media that he has chosen Guatemala native Sen. Ted Cruz to be his official 2024 presidential election ru…

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Funny story: Sen. Ted "Dracula" Cruz has been charged by D.C. Metro Police with counterfeiting

Sen. Ted "Dracula" Cruz has been charged by D.C. Metro Police with counterfeiting

Vox Populi reporter Tapioca Swizzle has just broken the story that Guatemala-born Sen. Teodorofellio Pancito Juanito "Dracula" Cruz was booked on counterfeiting charges. Cruzy, as his urologist calls him, denies the charges saying that it is all j…

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Funny story: Ted Cruz caught playing with himself in a Senate elevator

Ted Cruz caught playing with himself in a Senate elevator

Senator Ted "Dracula" Cruz has been caught playing with himself in a Senate elevator Senator Ted Cruz, who is originally from Guatemala, even though he swears he's from Canada, has found himself in yet another misunderstood situation. In a cand…

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Funny story: Reports Are That Ted "Dracula" Cruz Had Intimate Relations With a Gorgeously Sexy Chinese Spy

Reports Are That Ted "Dracula" Cruz Had Intimate Relations With a Gorgeously Sexy Chinese Spy

SAN FRANCISCO - (Satire News) - The San Francisco Nightly Herald has just revealed some juicy news about Sen. Ted "Dracula" Cruz's latest lover - and boy, is it spicy! According to the Herald's investigative reporter, Bijou Silhouette, Cruz's new…

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Funny story: Cruz Goes Home to Cuba – Viva Fidel!

Cruz Goes Home to Cuba – Viva Fidel!

Despite it being a communist country, Ted Cruz has bought land in Cuba. A paparazzi photographed Cruz on his knees on his new piece of land, weeping, saying “I’m home, papa, I’m finally home.” Why has Cruz more and more changed his appearance to l…

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Funny story: Senator Ted "Dracula" Cruz Says He Wants To Be Trump's 2024 Running Mate

Senator Ted "Dracula" Cruz Says He Wants To Be Trump's 2024 Running Mate

MAR-A-LAGO, Florida - (Satire News) - Sen. Ted "Dracula" Cruz told GOPicky Magazine writer Tabitha Wishywater that he would like to be Donald Trump's 2024 presidential campaign running mate. Cruz, who, along with Gov. Greg "Wheelchair Willie" Abbo…

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Funny story: Ted Cruz’s Beard is Missing - $10,000 Reward!

Ted Cruz’s Beard is Missing - $10,000 Reward!

Ted Cruz has lost his beard! Bartenders, waitresses, hookers, coke dealers and cocoanut salesmen in Cancun have been looking for it everywhere. Where was Ted last seen? Which bars and massage parlors did he frequent? Everyone who lives and works…

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Funny story: Sen. Teodorofellio "Ted" Cruz Cryingly Says That He Did Not Beat His Daughter

Sen. Teodorofellio "Ted" Cruz Cryingly Says That He Did Not Beat His Daughter

HOUSTON - (Satire News) - Scandal Today writer Cheyenne Patio states that the most arrogant, sarcastic, jerk in politics, Sen Ted Cruz, cryingly told her that contrary to rampant rumors, he did not beat his 17-year-old daughter Morticia Bruja Cruz wi…

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Funny story: Herschel Is Surfin’ the Red Wave

Herschel Is Surfin’ the Red Wave

Herschel Walker has achieved so much in his life. He says he was a cop and he was in the military and trained with the FBI, and of course we all know by now he threatened to kill his wife by putting a gun to her head. Every one of his family membe…

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Funny story: Ted Cruz Is Still One Dumbass Tiny-Peckered Douche Bag

Ted Cruz Is Still One Dumbass Tiny-Peckered Douche Bag

WASHINGTON, D.C. - (Satire News) - Teodoro "El Taquito" Cruz is still regarded as one of the stupidest, most evil, ugiest, hate-spewing SOBs in America. And when he was back living in his native Costa Rica, no one, NO ONE liked the little limp-dic…

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Funny story: Ted "Dracula" Cruz Has Allegedly Molested An Inflatable Doll

Ted "Dracula" Cruz Has Allegedly Molested An Inflatable Doll

WASHINGTON, D.C. - (Satire News) - One of the most arrogantly sarcastic politicians in Washington D.C. is Ted "Dracula" Cruz. Cruz has been known to scare fourth graders with his evil-sounding space alien voice. Cloud 9 News Agency reporter Lex…

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Funny story: The Cuban Carnivore

The Cuban Carnivore

Stephen Colbert said that Ted Cruz looked like a werewolf who got frozen in mid-change. I like jokes as much as the next werewolf, but this is going too far! Yes, Mr. Colbert, you have let the wolf out of the bag by revealing who Ted Cruz really i…

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Funny story: Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley Are Now Officially America's Two Limp-Wristed, Spineless Punks

Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley Are Now Officially America's Two Limp-Wristed, Spineless Punks

WASHINGTON, D.C. - (Satire News) - A very reputable west coast magazine has just named Ted "Dracula" Cruz and Josh "Scaredy Cat" Hawley as co-winners of their annual "Limp Wristed, Spineless Punk Award." The Left Coast Mirror Magazine has picked t…

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Funny story: Mafia Boss Sal Goombalini Talked To Teddy "Dracula" Cruz and Cruz Apologized For Being a Two-Faced, Lying, Arrogant, Sarcastic Creep

Mafia Boss Sal Goombalini Talked To Teddy "Dracula" Cruz and Cruz Apologized For Being a Two-Faced, Lying, Arrogant, Sarcastic Creep

BROOKLYN - (Satire News) - New York Sunshine Observer reporter Carmine Calatino has written a follow up story on the head of Brooklyn's Goombalini Crime Family, Salvatore Goombalini, offering to personally take Teddy "Eddie Munster" Cruz fishing.

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Funny story: Ted "Dracula" Cruz Arrested For Scaring The Hell Out of Little Kids At a Mall In Houston

Ted "Dracula" Cruz Arrested For Scaring The Hell Out of Little Kids At a Mall In Houston

HOUSTON - (Satire News) - Two of the most hated men in the state of Texas are Gov. Greg "Wheelchair Willie" Abbott and Sen. Ted "Dracula" Cruz. The Alpha Beta News Agency recently named both GOPunks, "The Two Ugliest Looking Creepy Assholes In The…

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Funny story: Ted Cruz Says He Has No Idea How The 183 Opioid Pills Got In His Political Attache Case

Ted Cruz Says He Has No Idea How The 183 Opioid Pills Got In His Political Attache Case

TIJUANA, Mexico - (Satire News) - Ted "Dracula" Cruz fled the US once again (with his two semi-cute daughters in tow) to avoid the fierce 158 MPH winds of Hurricane Cinderella. Cruz has a history for tucking his tail between his legs and going dow…

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