Dalai Lama admits he's a “sexist pig”
Shangri-La, Tibet—Asked what he would expect in a successor if the next dalai lama were female, the current Dalai Lama said, “She would have to be attractive to me, because, for me, in a woman, beauty is more important than brains.” He then giggl...
Read full storyLibDem MEPs get dermatitis from itching powder on bollocks t-shirts
British LibDem MEPs have been rushed to the Mega Hospital in EU City following a mass outbreak of dermatitis, following their wearing of cheap, anti-establishment “Bollocks to Britain” t-shirts. The incident happened following the opening of the E...
Read full storyColin Kaepernyuk Dyes Hair Red, White And Blue To Protest Flag: Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!
BILLINGSGATE POST: Colin Kaepernyuk dyed his hair red, white and blue to protest the American flag. Kaepernyuk, who gained fame by letting his hair grow so that he would look like Curly of the Three Stooges, intervened with Nike, requesting they pu...
Read full storyCoworkers Realize that Shy, Quiet Guy Actually Isn't That Smart
"His social skills aren't the greatest, but he's super smart" was the reputation data analyst Matt Wilson had around his office - until his coworkers eventually caught on that shy, quiet Matt actually wasn't actually very smart at all. "Yeah, he c...
Read full storyMr. Miyagi from "Karate Kid" film is appointed new Brexit adviser
In a radical move today, the UK Government announced the appointment of Mr. Miyagi, the quiet and eccentric apartment handyman from the "Karate Kid" film as special adviser on the UK's departure from the EU. Mr. Miyagi will be introducing his theo...
Read full storyDamien Hirst Makes Strange Stipulation In His Will
Rumours are rife in the world of art, that Damien Hirst, the artist who is repeatedly lampooned for being a non-artist, and for copying the work of others, has made a strange stipulation within his last will and testament, which will see him respectf...
Read full storyHarry Potter Banned from School
A school near Reading has banned Harry Potter from its shelves, as the books encourage abused children to run away with large hairy men. The head teacher Robert Sinjin Hole of St Juniper's, near Reading, claimed the first book promoted child traff...
Read full storyBoris Johnson nearly landed major role in 'The Lion King'
Barmy Boris Johnson auditioned to be in the Lion King. Sources close to the British MP claim Boris loves the film so much, he auditioned to be one of the main characters in Disney's live-action remake of the Lion King. Initially, Boris auditioned...
Read full storyTrump's Fourth Of July Celebrations To Be "Astronomically Expensive"
The annual fourth of July celebrations, commemorating the Declaration of Independence of the United States on July 4, 1776, have always been celebrated on its anniversary, and this year will be no different. One major difference this year, howeve...
Read full storyAndrew Yang Calls Pocahontas An Albino Native American
BILLINGSGATE POST: The first question Rachel Maddow asked when it was her turn to question the Democrat candidates was: “Which one of you is Pocahontas and which of you is Yang?” Yang, obviously an inscrutable Oriental; Pocahontas, on the other...
Read full storyThe Wonderful World Of Uninteresting Animals #7: The Saber-toothed Budgerigar
Well, readers, I'm happy to say that 'The Wonderful World Of Uninteresting Animals' series has very nearly reached double figures - or, at least, it will have in another three weeks, if I manage to keep the effort up. And it is an effort, my frien...
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