International Football Breaks To Be Scrapped After It's Discovered Fans Hate Them
International breaks, when all top-flight and Championship football is put on hold for two weeks because of upcoming national team fixtures, are to be scrapped, after it was discovered that supporters absolutely fucking hate them. The breaks were...
Read full storyPresident Trump To Transition To A Woman
Donald J. Trump, leader of the free world, announced today that he would undergo surgery to remove his naughty bits and replace them with kinder gentler naughty bits, those of a broad! The president was quoted as saying, "This whole Me Too movemen...
Read full story"Three Old Women:" Trump wants to Pack Supreme Court
Speaking to reporters this morning, President Donald Trump bemoaned the possibility that Chief Justice John Roberts might take the place of Anthony Kennedy as the Supreme Court's swing vote, siding with liberal justices to thwart Trump's efforts to "...
Read full story2018 Version of Lindsey Graham in Office Shouting Match with 2016 Graham, According to Staff
Washington - According to sources, workers at Lindsey Graham's senate offices have been alarmed by recent heated arguments between the 2016 "southern gentleman" version of Lindsey Graham and the current loud, obnoxious Trumpist version of the South C...
Read full storyWhite House mulls celebrity swaps to honor global justice and dispel lingering odors
Mr. Trump and his staff are considering ways to bolster support toward re-election in 2020, following significant re-evaluation of the nation’s midterms. Despite Mr. Trump’s earlier claims of “victory,” increased ballot count shows continued Democ...
Read full storyUndertaker Under Investigation For Stealing Coffins Back From The Dead
A funeral service is under police investigation tonight after it was alleged that members of its staff had returned to graves after burials to repossess the caskets of corpses recently interred. Barry Berry of Bury Burials was taken to a local pol...
Read full storyUK 8 year-old goalkeeper pushed by pushy dad signs for Manchester United
The Special One, watching a video of a young goalkeeper being pushed back into his goal by his dad as the ball rolled towards the empty net, has decided the boy has 'special talents', just like him, and has signed him! The dad, a staunch Liverpoo...
Read full storyTV Review: It's Organised Crime Week On The Apprentice!
At the start of this week's episode, Laird Shergar addressed the remaining candidates from the back of Derek Trotter's van: "It's an unknown fact that 25 Squillion quid is lost each year to the black economy," explained Lady Shagger. "These crimin...
Read full storyTrump Has Been President For 666 Days Today - Symbolic?
US President, Donald J. Trump, has been in the job 666 days today, 16 November, having taken office on 20 January 2017, and has been busy living up to his 'devilish' reputation by hinting that Robert Mueller, in charge of the 'Russia investigation',...
Read full story1922 Committee Has Received 47 Of The 48 Letters It Needs To Trigger 'No Confidence' Vote In Theresa May
As British Puppet Minister, Theresa May, continues to gnash on her lips, and bury her head in the sand bucket in the corridor at the House of Commons, moves are afoot to oust her from her precarious position, and to disentangle her from the nightmare...
Read full storyPamela Anderson is the most brilliant person in the world
Pamela Anderson used logical reasoning to express the truth with Australia’s 60 Minutes on Sunday, when she revealed the downfalls of feminism and the #MeToo movement. The intellectual actress called “this third wave of feminism” a “bore.” “I t...
Read full storySaudi Agent Who Killed Jamal Khashoggi Identified
The murderer of Saudi Arabian dissident journalist, Jamal Khashoggi, whose death was ordered by the Saudi crown prince, Mohammad bin Salman, has been identified, to the relief of all concerned. The man, Ashraf al-Pigsmightfly, is a Saudi intellige...
Read full storyKing Arthur Returns thanks to Brexit
King Arthur, the ancient king and knight of legend, has returned from his slumber on the Isle of Avalon, according to witnesses. The legend tells that Arthur will return when his country is in direst need, and, according to some, it has actually...
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