Written by Doubting Thomas

Friday, 16 November 2018

King Arthur, the ancient king and knight of legend, has returned from his slumber on the Isle of Avalon, according to witnesses.

The legend tells that Arthur will return when his country is in direst need, and, according to some, it has actually happened, in a branch of Tesco just outside Doncaster.

"There I was queuing for a Lotto ticket, when this shabby old man with a huge beard and big fuck-off sword pushed in front of me," said a witness.

"He didn't half stink of horse poo!" said another.

Having been tracked down by intrepid reporters, the King of the Britons was willing to be interviewed.

"There I was, having a nice kip," he said, "when this bloody Brexit crap went and woke me up. I was expecting at least another thousand years."

When pushed, Arthur had this to say, regarding the current state of the UK.

"I'll behead the lot of them, so I will! In my day, people knew where they stood, and were a peasant or a noble. You bent the knee, or got your head chopped off."

"That May and Corbin - definitely the work of an evil sorcerer, the pair of 'em. Me and Excalibur will show 'em what's what!"

The legendary leader also went on to point out that it should be perfectly legal to shoot the Welsh, the French should be run through on sight, and that witchcraft was still a major issue in society.

He also went on to demand a flagon of mead and a copy of the Daily Mail, but did point out that, under his rule, there would be some serious changes, mostly involving increased taxing of the poor.

Rumours that Jacob Rees-Mogg has welcomed the return, are yet to be confirmed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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