Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 16 November 2018

image for International Football Breaks To Be Scrapped After It's Discovered Fans Hate Them
A man getting annoyed with his wife during an international break

International breaks, when all top-flight and Championship football is put on hold for two weeks because of upcoming national team fixtures, are to be scrapped, after it was discovered that supporters absolutely fucking hate them.

The breaks were brought in to try to ensure that players involved in international fixtures would be better-prepared for them, having had more time to spend with their national team colleagues.

Fans, however, have never liked the breaks. Those supporting teams who are 'on a good run', or who are involved in a relegation scrap they would like to get out of, become particularly frustrated at having to wait for England to play some token friendly or other - such as the game with - let's be fair - the USA.

Football fans are simple creatures. They know what they like, and what they like is football. As long as there is their football team to go and watch, everything is fine, and life goes on as normal.

Take football out of the equation, though, and you're asking for trouble.

Fans become irritable; they start to get frustrated with the lack of something to do with all of that pent-up passion and enthusiasm for encouraging the eleven members of their team to put the ball into the net of their opponents. Their frustration can be contained up to a point, but, once it gets the better of them, all hell breaks loose.

Wives bear the brunt; children are no longer tolerated if they should dare to 'step out of line'; pets are kicked harder than they usually are; and the frustrated football fan withdraws into a shadowy non-football existence. Friends melt away, work becomes even more of a trial than it normally is, and everyday life is suspended until football returns.

FIFA, world football's governing body, have now recognised that, in England, international breaks do more harm than good, and have agreed to scrap them from next season.

Fans everywhere celebrated. At Chelsea, Arsenal, Manchester City, and Liverpool, supporters were 'over the moon', the common theme being that these teams are riddled with overseas players, and have very few English players to give breaks to.

Fred Bullpiss, a hardcore Manchester United fan from Doncaster, said:

"By eck! Thas great news, tharis! Ahr lass'll be reet pleased!"

His wife, Edna, confirmed this:

"Appen iz reet unda me feet during them breaks! Ah'll be glad t'get shut onim!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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