TV Review: It's Organised Crime Week On The Apprentice!

Friday, 16 November 2018


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Team Erection's lucrative sideline

At the start of this week's episode, Laird Shergar addressed the remaining candidates from the back of Derek Trotter's van:

"It's an unknown fact that 25 Squillion quid is lost each year to the black economy," explained Lady Shagger. "These criminals play by their own rules, don't pay any taxes, and are completely ruthless about eliminating the competition. It's pure Capitalism! And, quite frankly, I want a piece of that action! This week, I want you to set up your own organised crime syndicate. The team who makes me the most money wins, and on the losing team... one of you will disappear in mysterious circumstances, never to be seen again."

Lard Sugar mixed up the teams, with Chastity and Yusuf joining Team Erection, and Liam and Gwendoline joining Team Pontificate.

The newly-reconstructed teams set to the task with missionary zeal, Team Erection's sub-team developing a lucrative sideline in fly-tipping hazardous waste in areas of special scientific interest.

Team Pontificate quickly ran into trouble with its protection racket following an entertaining run-in with the Ukrainian mafia, Donovan and Spencer being lucky to escape with their lives.

Ultimately, Team Erection triumphed, and emerged as this week's winners. Their treat? A set of new identities and immunity from prosecution.

Team Pontificate's illegal cock-fighting ring had proved their undoing, when it emerged that Ilgyn had misunderstood what was meant by the work 'cock', and dropped his trousers in front of a mob of angry East End tuffs. Despite this catastrophic balls-up, it was Samwell who felt the full force of Lord Shady's wrath, being the latest candidate to be fired. Samwell was last seen being strong-armed into the boot of a black cab - destination unknown.

On Your Fired, Lord Seeger offered the departing candidate some words of encouragement:

"I believe Samwell will have a long future in construction, perhaps in poured concrete."

Next week, the teams have to negotiate an arms deal for two despotic regimes with dubious human rights records. Who will emerge victorious? Tune in next week to find out.

Lloyd Sugar's search for his Apprentice continues...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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