CBS Newsman Schieffer's Nose Turns Brown As Guest's Grows
On Bob Schieffer's "Face The Nation " program this morning on CBS, the first guest was House Intelligence Committee Chairman, GOP Rep. Mike Rogers. The topic was the report from a panel commissioned by President Obama making recommendations for...
Read full storyChris Christie hires awesome NYC attorney Randy Mastro
New Jersey - "At five thousand bucks an hour his services don't exactly come cheap," embattled New Jersey Governor Chris Christie admitted today, "about the same rate as my orthodontic surgeon charges for root canals, minus the anaesthetic." Putti...
Read full storyUKIP party member to solve lack of water in Australian Outback by ranting against gay marriages
David Cameron has taken on board David Silvester ex-UKIP party member's advice about the "rain storms-gay marriage" link. Hundreds of pro "gay marriage" demonstrators have been flown to bush fire scenes in the scorching rain deprived Australian inter...
Read full storyYoung Woman miraculously ignores her Beauty and studies Philosophy
PITTSBURGH--Lisa Prettysweet, an achingly beautiful 26-year old, stunned her family and friends by showing the slightest interest in philosophy. Predictably, her reading of philosophy has made her more skeptical, pessimistic, and cynical and her pare...
Read full storyOK For Chemical-Oil-Coal Giants To Destroy W. Va
A chemical spill has left 300.000 residents without water for days and most still don't believe state authorities who say it's now safe to turn on the tap water. But at a fundraiser held last night, in Washington, D.C., sponsored by "The Coalition...
Read full storyGay Marriage bill caused British floods
David Silvester, became the second UKIP councillor to be suspended after saying something daft when he announced to the world that David Cameron's Gay Marriage Bill angered God so much that he flooded the south of England. In a rare interview, God...
Read full storyLohan Still Calling Duck Dynasty Nasty
Saying "Let's keep it assy...classy here in Soho!" Lindsay Lohan dines at 'sex shop' restaurant for another wild night out in London. "I need to come here often to get away from the states and those freaks down in Swampland." Lindsay Lohan was...
Read full storyTaliban Successfully Destroys Afghan Society- Reverts To Cannibalism
The Taliban has successfully destroyed every business and killed every non-conforming citizen and foreigner in Afghanistan. Left without an effective economy and without anyone who understands any technology beyond that of making heroin the entire la...
Read full storyMillennialosers
The media portrays millennials as lazy little losers who won't get off the couch long enough to apply for a job. But not all millennials are disaffected, undisciplined people. Take my little Janie, for example. Janie wants a job - she just hasn't found one yet. But we think she is going to start looking one of these days. According to the media, millennials use drugs and alcohol to forget thei...
Read full storyHundreds of Aliens Spotted in West Virginia! Dozens Reported Missing!
"Whatever these things are or wherever they are from, they're sure interested in our chemical spill", says police officer. "I'm far from the water here and don't have to wear any special gear but I'll be glad to leave anyway." Others within ten mi...
Read full storyJust Why, Exactly, Did The Octomom Feel She Needed To Get Artificially Inseminated?
Go on the Internet and find a photo of the Octomom, aka Nadya Suleman, she of the cheaper by the dozen fame, having given birth to the near world's record of eight live and surviving births all at once. There are incredible pictures of her in a bikini. Unfortunately, I am unable to put those photos here with this article. As you can see from the photos, she definitely looks like a fertile breed...
Read full storyThe Top Ten Quickies!
Following are the Top Ten Quickies from 2013. We hope you find them amusing. 1. I have flabby thighs but at least my big fat belly and huge ass hide them. 2. They say that married men live longer. I think it just SEEMS longer. 3. My favorite machine at the exercise center is the snack machine. 4. I've been on so many blind dates that I should get me a seeing-eye dog. 5. Seldom...
Read full storyGov. Christie Selects Curses for Swearing-In Ceremony
Special to TPN - Special assistant Goober Flatus announced that New Jersey governor Chris Christie has chosen the curse words to be used in his second inaugural speech following the swearing-in ceremony on Tuesday, January 21. "The governor has worke...
Read full storyCanada To Release Over 6,000 Illegal Aliens Into North Dakota
OTTAWA, Canada - The Canadian government has informed President Obama that they are getting ready to release 6,391 illegal aliens from the United States into North Dakota. A spokesperson for the Canadian government said that some of the illegal im...
Read full storyScientists Finally Admit An Astonishing Fact About The Moon
SAGINAW, Michigan - Two of the world's leading scientists have called a press conference to announce what they say is an astonishing fact regarding the moon. Dr. Heinrich Von Heinrich and Dr. Currington S. Clexweiser have discovered that contrary...
Read full storyDennis Rodman Checks Himself Into A Rehab Clinic
NEW YORK CITY - The worldwide traveling former NBA star Dennis Rodman has finally returned back to American soil after his trip to North Korea. And Dennis surprised everyone as he immediately checked himself into The Henry & Betty Ford Rehab C...
Read full storyKim Jong Un Sends Mrs. Obama A Belated Birthday Present
PYONGYANG, North Korea - North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un apologized to Michelle Obama for not sending her birthday greetings on her birthday. He told Mrs. Obama that he got very busy inspecting the new missile he just purchased from Kenya. Kim...
Read full storyPortugal Has Developed A Two-Man Submarine That Can Travel From Lisbon, Portugal To New York City In 2 Hours
LISBON, Portugal - The Portuguese government has informed the scientific world that it has just developed a state-of-the-art submarine. The submarine dubbed El Submarino Fantastico (The Fantastic Submarine) is capable of traveling from the Portugu...
Read full storyNBA Commissioner David Stern Fines Dallas Mavericks Owner Mark Cuban $100,000
DALLAS - Many fans of the NBA consider retiring NBA Commissioner David Stern, one of sports oldest spoiled brats. At times Stern has ruled the NBA with an iron fist that would make some World War II Nazi's proud as hell. Stern has been very unr...
Read full storyTiger Woods Talks About Golf, Girlfriend Lindsey Vonn, and Ex-Wife Elin Nordegren
PEORIA, Illinois - Tiger Woods visited Peoria on a golf shoe promotion trip. He was asked by a local reporter if the rumor that he was going to retire from golf at the end of this year was true. Tiger smiled and replied "Yes and no." He then...
Read full storyNASA Wants To Hire Jay Leno To Be Its Public Relations Director
HOUSTON - The National Aeronautics and Space Administration has just made an amazing announcement. According to Trent Timmelfarb, NASA spokesperson, the national space agency wants to hire Tonight Show host Jay Leno to be its public relations dire...
Read full storyRussia's President Putin Now Says He Will Allow Gays At The Olympics But Only If They Don't Act Gay
MOSCOW - Russia's national news agency, Vodkavich, has announced that President Vladimir Putin has relaxed his stand on gays at the Sochi Winter Olympics. President Putin at first had said that gays would be banned from the Olympics, but now he ha...
Read full story£500 million Glasgowland theme park opens on Isle of Wight
The long awaited Isle of Wight Glasgowland theme park has opened with an explosion of swearing, drunken razor fights and face "glassing". A true Friday night Glasgow experience can now be had any night of the week without leaving the geriatri...
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