Vegan Wiccan US Army chaplain's joy as Pentagon relaxes religious beards ban
Washington AC/DC - A meat eschewing pagan US Army chaplain is feeling mighty pleased today after the Pentagon finally backed down over a ban on religious beards in the military following 100 years of clean shaven tradition. "Praise be to Isis, mot...
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The case of the shrinking toilet paper: Let's get to the bottom of it
(This article also includes a colorful look at how other cultures and other eras have avoided tree slaughter and still maintained excellent hygiene.) Over the past several years, our noble capitalist system has been downsizing everything in the grocery store while upsizing the prices. This they generally do in a deliberately deceptive way, keeping the packaging size the same, but cutting ba...
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Amazon CEO is Laughing All the Way to the Headlines
Jeffrey Bezos is giggling his head off, laughing all the way to the headlines. First the Amazon CO got sensational global coverage of his absurd yet adorable (yet rather creepy) plan to have millions of packages delivered "right to your porch" by dro...
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Chinese Circus Using DNA Freaks!
Although they are being billed with such names as "Cat Head", "Trout Ears" and "The Man With The Octopus Arms", American scientists who have watched the Chinese Circus in Europe say that these freaks are not by nature but by DNA experiments. "They...
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Who the F is Captain Moyes?
Hangover report on the state of Manchester United's feeble attempts to play football in 2014! MANCHESTER EVENING NEWS REPORTS: Blind Captain Moyes (why take Kagawa off and replace him with a one footed parrot?) has hit an iceberg with his sinking Titanic and the first to jump ship are the "Roo & Ro" rats! Where were they? Searching for their amputated injured legs or too busy countin...
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Feds Threaten to Flood Markets if U.S. Loans Called In!
The Federal Government has privately warned that if any countries should try to call in huge loans, they will quit trading and begin producing that country's legal tender by sophisticated copiers. "A lot of other countries have copied our dollars...
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New Law Would Compel American Voters To Look At, Listen To, and Have Competent Authority Describe The Politicians They Will Vote For Before Voting For Them
In a bid to make American voters more educated about, and possibly reconsider, their decision to vote, lawmakers have passed a law requiring American voters to look at, listen to, and have a competent authority describe the politicians they will vote...
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Fitful News from the British Theatre
A bizarre incident was reported at the recent revival of a classic modern drama at the Royal Tarte Theatre in the West End. Actor Dirk Dishwipe complained in agony, "I was locked in the loo at the storied Royal Tarte!" According to Dishwipe,...
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The Burgeoning Web-world of On-line Dating Shows a Surge in Special Interest Sites
In the burgeoning Web-world of on-line dating, there is a surge in more special interest sites. Here's a listing of the latest and hottest from the Institute of Self-Identities Promotion and Actualization. New-Age Druidic Nudists@nakedpartsmesh.web In-Shower Tweeting Networkers@wetitntextit.web You-Tube Kitty-cat Video Addicts@litterusbaby.web Secular-Humanist Utopian Druggies@nirvan...
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Jesus and Dubya Debate the Death Penalty
Jesus came back, this time to Texas in the summer of 2000. He did not come back because the world, or the US for that matter, was in any kind of crisis. He came back because he was bored in heaven. A man (or a God, for that matter) can only take so much harp playing and hosannas and cloying followers prostrating themselves before him before he gets a notion (remember, I'm quoting Jesus here), to...
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Justin "Gerber" Arrested for DUI, Drag Racing in Florida
Only hours after leaving a police station in California, Justin Gerber flew to Miami area and was arrested there, accord to Florida police. "I guess he's fast becoming known as Justin Gerber because he acts like a child. I guess he never grew up",...
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Drunk Justin Bieber caught speeding in drag
Miami Beach, Florida - Sporting a gorgeous long blond wig and gigantic false breasts squeezed into a fetching red sequin $5,000 Vera Wang cocktail dress the 19 year-old Canadian entertainer was apprehended by Miami cops early this morning who booked...
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Kim Jong Un Purchases A Missile From Kenya
PYONGYANG, North Korea - Kim Jong Un has admitted that he is obsessed with missiles. Ever since he was a little boy he used to play with yellow #2 pencils and pretend that they were SAM (Surface-to-Air) missiles. His mother even took him to a t...
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Scientist Says The North Pole Could End Up Totally Covering Canada
KINGSTON, Jamaica - One of the world's leading experts on the North Pole, Dr. Alejandro Pajaro, has said that if his global warming calculations are correct Canada is going to be in a world of trouble (no pun intended). Dr. Pajaro stated that he h...
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Mystery of what Henry Moore "Jay Lo" sculptures are is solved by Optician
The huge sculptures in Leeds resembling pregnant nude women with enormous bottoms are the result of the notoriously incomprehensible sculptor not being fitted with the correct spectacles, a spokesperson for Specsavers claimed this morning. "...
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Glen Miller found living with Mutiny On the Bounty crew on Pitcairn Island
The mystery of war hero Glen Miller's disappearance in the 1940s may have been solved by salvage experts looking for The Bounty in the unchartered Pitcairn Island group. Most of the population there are called Miller or Christian and resemble the...
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The Ultimate Fantasy Football- Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The 2014 Super Bowl.
Far beyond the reaches of normal men's consciousnesses there exists a part of the etheric worlds where what could have been still can be. All events as remembered by the minds of men are not held fast in memories lock, but are fluid and flexible, and not confined to history's limiting pages. All the conditions that led to so many 'historical' events, be they political, military, or even that m...
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Startling New Definitions In Dictionary Update
The Oxford English Dictionary online has been updated to include some "Americanisms." Last year the quarterly publications included new words or terms such as "Selfing" and "OMG,." as in "OMG, I Am, Like, Literally Unfriending You." The new online update includes: Bullshit. n, adj. A term associated with such politicians as Sen. Ted Cruz of the state of Texas, who was both a brilliant und...
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Curiosity Rover Finds Pyramid Rock on Mars
Although they have been telling the public that an "unusual" rock has been discovered on Mars, scientists today announced that there were 'chiseled' markings on the rock. "At first we were excited about finding the rock and its shape", stated Jet...
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