Are Aliens Using the Nevada Desert as a Garbage Dump?
ELY, NEVADA - Authorities in Ely, Nevada announced today that a transportation worker reported seeing a shiny disc-shaped craft hover in the air above the desert along Hwy. 59 a week ago, as it dumped a series of unidentified objects on to the ground...
Read full storyMore Mia Farrow woe amid claims Tony Blair - not Frank Sinatra - fathered her son Ronan
New York - Last week's sordid shagging revelations about the former UK PM and Rupert Murdoch's ex Wendi Deng didn't actually name Blair in any potential paternity suit, at least not yet. Now a new twist in the plot sees former Woody Allen publicis...
Read full storyRejected Olympic sports: 5 new events you won't be seeing in Sochi
The Olympic Village, Russia - If you have the feeling that the 2014 Olympic Games are a little short on activities, give yourself a medal. Five brand-new sports created for Sochi's big show were shot down without getting as much as a singe from the O...
Read full storyLincoln Highway to be Renamed Bob Marley Highway
CHEYENNE, WYOMING - The Lincoln Highway, created in 1913 and stretching 3400 miles coast to coast, from New York to San Francisco, will be renamed Bob Marley Highway in a ceremony this summer at the highest point on the highway, Sherman Hill, located...
Read full storyOphrah Finally Fails to Appear on Her "O Magazine" Cover
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - Ophrah Winfrey, whose "O Magazine" has been published since 2000, will finally take herself off the cover next month. Since the magazine's inception, she alone has been featured on every single monthly cover, except for two...
Read full storyOne Out of Every 100 Americans Behind Bars
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - A spokesman for the Federal Bureau of Prisons has issued a stern warning to the American Public. "It is getting darn right crowded in here," complains Warden Clarence Frapples. "You people need to start behaving and follo...
Read full storyNew Sony "Smart-Ass" Phone to Debut
Industry insiders are talking about the latest iteration of the "smart phone", the "smart ass" phone that hits the markets this week. Developed in one of the most smart alecky cities on the planet, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, the new phone was develop...
Read full storyCupid Boot Camp Exposed in Predawn Raid
Hearing reports of "Love Bombings" around the world, officials in the NSA chose to take pre-emptive action today at was has been termed an underground "lovehub". Tracking coded letters and cards to the center of world romance, Cote'-de-Snuggell in...
Read full storyCupid Gears Up for Valentine's Day
LOVELAND, COLORADO - With only days left until Valentine's Day, Cupid is reportedly gearing up for this year's Love Olympics. Cupid, the whimsical chubby half-dressed boy with wings, has lately been sleeping up to 18 hours a day when he is not...
Read full storyViva Espana! William and Harry on Spanish Romp!
The Chuckle Brothers of Royalty, namely Prince William and his bastard sibling Prince Harry have departed the rain sodden shores of Blighty for a spot of weekend wild life and peasant slaughtering in sunny Espana. Rather than bother with TripAdvis...
Read full storyRandom Questions to Strangers Outlawed
In a bid to curb unnecessary discomfort, bewilderment and mild irritation a nationwide ban has been placed on all situations where a person may need to ask one or more strangers a basic question. The ban is expected to run for six months. Question...
Read full storyBees Awarded Nobel Prize
STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN - The Nobel Prize Committee announced today that it has awarded the Nobel Prize for Economic Science to Apis mellifera. Abdon Edelberg, a spokesman for the committee, said, "Usually we award this prize to a great academic researc...
Read full storyFat Man Steals 20 bottles of whiskey from Liquor store!
While a friend caused a commotion outside a liquor store in Louisville, Kentucky, a big bellied guy in the store filled his pants...well, he didn't exactly crap on himself or anything, that was later. The fat guy inside the store filled his pants...
Read full storyJustin Bieber's visa revoked as Sochi authorities say No Skanks, Thanks!
Canada - The Russian Olympic authorities have withdrawn Justin Bieber's travel visa amid protests the daft pothead would lower the tone of the prestigious Sochi Games. A last minute attempt to fire up the engines of his private plane stalled on th...
Read full storyJihadist Gets The 72 Virgins That He So Richly Deserves
The Gates To Glory opened wide to accept young Jasheed as he entered the Jihadist Heaven he worked so hard to deserve. His trainers had always indoctrinated him on the wonders that would await him there were he to prove himself to be a true fundamentalist patriot. Now, his mission completed and multiple bodies torn apart by his suicide bomb including his own, he had now come to get his awards.
Read full storyHome Teaching May Be Answer For School Problems
With so many problems from gas shortage to water shortage, home teaching is beginning to look like the answer for many educators. "Think about the gas and money we would save", says one political proponent. "Lots of smart moms & dads out there...
Read full storyMysterious Silvery Sheen Falls From the Sky
FRESNO, CALIFORNIA - 911 emergency phone lines across Central California were jammed early this morning. "People all are reporting the same thing," says June Blankenship, a 911 dispatcher. "There is a strange substance coming out of the sky in...
Read full story10 Reasons Why Boys Should be Held Back One or More Years Before They Enter Kindergarten
Any observer of a kindergarten class can easily determine why boys should be kept at home for at least one more years: 1. While the little girls are sitting quietly at their desks, the little boys are ON the desks. 2. While little girls are sleeping at nap time, little boys are tying little girls' braids to chair legs. 3. Little boys think finger paint is war paint. 4. Paste is fo...
Read full storyTwenty Reasons Why Salad Bars Are Scary
1. mayonnaise 2. slimy brussel sprouts 3. crab salad with red and white imitation crab 4. people who pick up salad items with their fingers 5. people who put back salad items with their fingers 6. little kids who are shorter than the sneeze guard 7. lickers and tasters 8. containers with contents that are almost used up 9. anchovies 10. days old mushrooms 11...
Read full storyAsk A Sheepherder, They Never Lie...
Question: How much money does a sheepherder make? Answer: Just enough to buy oil for my oil burning lantern and a sack of flour for making biscuits. Question: Why sheep? Answer: Why not? Question: How do you stand the loneliness? Answer: I serenade the sheep with my squeeze box, which attracts coyotes that howl along. I'm never lonely in the wild. Question: Which is smart...
Read full storyThe Sochi Olympics Organizing Committee Has Just Placed A Ban on Vibrators
SOCHI, Russia - The Sochi Olympics Organizing Committee has stated that they are going to run a tight ship and so far they have kept their word. Tula Tambova, a representative for the organization stated that the SOOC has just issued a ban on pers...
Read full storyDenver Named The Nation's Munchies Capital
DENVER - The city of Denver is still somewhat downtrodden after the Denver Broncos were blown away in Super Bowl XXII by the Seattle Seahawks 43-8. But Mayor Michael B. Hancock has informed the Mile High City news media that Denver has just been n...
Read full storyChina Discovers A Simple Way To Save Billions of Dollars A Year
HONG KONG - The republic of China, in its neverending quest to find ways to save money, has just hit upon an excellent idea. They have decided that they will stop printing Chinese phone books in order to save billions of dollars a year. A repre...
Read full storyBob Costas Apologizes To The Russian People For His Insensitive Vodka Remark
SOCHI, Russia - NBC sportscaster Bob Costas has apologized to the people of Russia for his insensitive remark regarding vodka during a report on The Sochi Winter Olympics. Costas was talking about the different flags of the various countries repre...
Read full storyJay Leno Bids His Tonight Show Fans A Tearful Goodbye
BURBANK - The man who succeeded the great Johnny Carson as host of The Tonight Show has left the (NBC) building. For 22 years Leno joked about everyone from the Kardashian's to the Clinton's and from the Kobe's, Shaq's, and LeBron's to the Cher's,...
Read full storySelena Gomez Talks About Justin Bieber and Her Stay At A Rehab Clinic
LOS ANGELES - Pop singer Selena Gomez has spoken about her recent two-week stay at The Henry & Betty Ford Rehab Clinic. She talked with Tapioca Swizzle of Tittle Tattle Tonight and said that the stress from all of the media questions about her...
Read full storyGoogle Presents the Google "Googlie"
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA - Google CEO, Larry Page, announced today that their newest spin-off product, the Google "Googlie", will be in U.S. stores as soon as May. Page reported that Babies "R" Us and Just 4 Kidz will feature the new product i...
Read full storyCold weather halts flatulence study
Scientists conducting experiments measuring the speed of the "wind from a duck's ass", had to stop their work due to cold weather. "Every time the duck farted, it was so cold the fart froze in place. We could not get an accurate reading to study...
Read full storyCongress In Debate About How to Recycle NASA
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A hot topic of debate on Capital Hill is how to recycle NASA. "What the heck is NASA for?" Joe Citizen is asking. No longer a viable institution, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration has been the agency of the Uni...
Read full storyTwenty Ways to Avoid Paying Your Income Taxes
Just in from the penny-pinching, tight-fisted, parsimonious, cheap, tightwads that inhabit our nation - twenty surefire ways to avoid paying your income taxes: 1. Just don't pay them. 2. "I'll pay them when I'm good and ready!" 3. "Didn't my ex-wife pay them?" 4. "Didn't my ex-husband pay them?" 5. "My dog ate my tax forms." 6. "I was out of the country." 7. "I have amn...
Read full storyThirty Vehicle Names That Never Got Used
Vehicle names for new car models can make or break cars sales. Here are some names that never quite made it out of the boardroom. 1. Kia Cheeseweed 2. Mercury Maggot 3. Ford Fluffy 4. Dodge Ball 5. Volkswagon Vole 6. Lincoln Constipator 6. Kia Kale 7. Hyundai Hushpuppy 8. Ford Fart 9. Volkswagon Aardvark 10. Saturn Sloth 11. Pontiac Perspire 12.
Read full storyPornography Or Violence: Which Is Bigger In U.S.?
PBS NEWS KCET, LOS ANGELES Transcript of "Ray Asks" Moderator Ray Suarez: Today we begin a three-part series on pornography and violence in America. We are also interested in the question of which of them is most important to American life and also to the extent which they overlap. The connection between actual violence against anyone, rape, and watching violent videos and po...
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