Credit company to employ loan shark collection methods
As if the homophobic rants of its spokesman, Alec Baldwin, weren't enough bad publicity for Capital Card, its new terms dictate that representatives of the credit card company can visit or contact debtors "in any manner we choose," including paying p...
Read full story"American Grafitti: 40th Reunion" in Planning Stages
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - Sources in Hollywood say George Lucas, award winning director and co-writer of American Graffiti, a coming-of-age movie set in 1962, and released in 1973, is currently planning another sequel. The newest sequel, titled, Ame...
Read full storyEntire Houston Astros Organization Suspended 50 Games for PEDs
In a shocking press release earlier by Major League Baseball, the entire Houston Astros organization has been suspended 50 games for testing positive for use of banned substances by the league. Reported cases of positive banned substance tests have...
Read full storyJustin Bieber's Best Friend: Bieber Causes No Harm, Just Loves Humor
Neil Baker, a close friend of Justin Bieber says that the press gives people the wrong view of his friend, Justin Bieber. "They think Justin is up to tricks to make people look silly but he just loves humor. Some day I'll make a list of the tricks...
Read full storyTroops to Teachers Program Spin-offs Not Quite as Successful
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Troops to Teachers (TTT) Program, established in 1994 by the Department of Defense, has successfully placed 20,000 participants in the nation's schools. The purpose of TTT is to help honorably discharged military personnel as...
Read full storyChef Celebrity Gordon Ramsay Calls it Quits!
LONDON, ENGLAND - A spokesman for Celebrity Scottish Chef, Gordon Ramsay, announced today that Ramsay is calling it quits. Ramsay, 47, whose restaurants have been awarded 15 Michelin Stars, is retiring and turning all 26 of his worldwide restaur...
Read full story"Cannabis Through the Ages" Denver Botanic Garden's Summer Exhibition
DENVER, COLORADO - The 23 acre Denver Botanic Garden is excited to announce their newest upcoming exhibition, "Cannabis Through the Ages", beginning Summer 2014. Head Botanist, Sparkle Plenty, Ph.D., an expert on Cannabis sativa, plans to allocate...
Read full storyMiddle, High Schools in Arkansas Issued Firearms
Attention mass killers, you better not go into an Arkansas school as each child has been issued a weapon that is under their desk. The ammo can be unlocked quickly by the teacher or room monitor. Of course, the early grades will only have stun gun...
Read full storyArchaeologists Discover City Made Out Of Tin In High Andes But Team Now Faces Oxygen Starvation.
Lima, Peru : Archaeologists working in the High Andes in areas of low oxygen supply have reportedly stumbled upon a legendary city of purest TIN. The find was made last week and provides the clearest evidence yet for the existence of a civilization d...
Read full storyNew Federal Government Teeny Tiny Housing Program Offered to Millennials
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Federal Housing Administration announced today a bit of hope for the Millennial generation. In general, Generation Y has been left "out in the cold" when it comes to home buying, mostly due to a dismal employment outlook, high...
Read full storyMany of us baffled over sharing NHS records
Almost half of Britons do not understand plans for sharing their NHS records. And increasing numbers of GPs (Geriatric Persons) are not clear how to use them. The Norman Hunter Singers (NHS) were a renowned choir based in Gateshead. They sold over...
Read full storyCredit Company Training SWAT Teams to Collect Bills
TYSONS CORNER, VIRGINIA-The collection department at CapitalCard is in the process of training SWAT teams to collect delinquent payments from customers' accounts using methods perfected by the Los Angeles Police Department under the regime of Police...
Read full storyPutin Calls Mulligan on Olympics, Requests a Do-Over Next Year
After nearly two weeks of Olympic competition in Sochi, Russian President, Vladimir Putin is not completely satisfied with how the Games have turned out. So he has called a "mulligan", and is releasing a statement saying the Winter Olympic Games wil...
Read full storyBuckingham Palace 'full of druggies, trolls and welfare cheats' say TV viewers about skanks show 'Benefits Street'
London, UK - Proportionally just as many of society's bottom feeders reside in the royal palaces as they do in the seedy Birmingham thoroughfare known as James Turner Street, Britain's official skank central, which features in a downmarket TV show ca...
Read full storyPardoned by Clinton ex-Dem congressman Mel Reynolds now in hot water with Zimbabwe cops
Harare, Zimbabwe - His 78-month jail sentence for fraud and lying to SEC investigators was commuted to halfway house by outgoing President Bill Clinton who fought hard but failed to quash Reynolds' five year custodial term for 12 cunts - uh, counts!...
Read full storyGoogle Street View Technicians Crash Into Antique Bicycle Carrying Thomas Pynchon In Everly Brothers Hometown. Manhunt Over.
Drakesboro Kentucky, News has just emerged that technicians operating in a Google Street View vehicle collided with a Penny Farthing or high wheeler carrying fugitive conspiracy novelist Thomas Pynchon in rural Kentucky. Google spokesman:"We had to g...
Read full storyBobby McFerrin Lost In Australian Outback - Efforts to Locate Him Hampered by SuperParrot
Queensland, Australia: Attempts by Australian forest authorities to locate jazz singer and 10-time Grammy Winner Bobby McFerrin are being hampered by the mimicry of his voice by the Australian Lyrebird long famed for its ability to mimic any sound in...
Read full storyColorado Marijuana Is Now Being Transported To Pot Shops In Armored Cars
DENVER - Colorado's State Department of Cannabis has just stated that the price of pot has gone up to the point where the product is now being transported from the processing plants to the pot shops in armored vehicles. Hollis Hoffteen, 37, with t...
Read full storyKim Kardashian Admits She's Taking Pills To Make Her Huge Butt Even Bigger
HOLLYWOOD - Kim Kardashian appeared on The View and told Barbara Walters that she has been taking a certain type of pill that is available only in Italy. Kim said that the pill, known as the Butt Pill, is designed to be taken (orally) three times...
Read full storyThe Strip For Jackie Chamoun Olympic Movement Is Gaining Momentum
BEIRUT, Lebanon - The Strip For Jackie Movement in Lebanon has really picked up speed. Many Lebanese people not only in Lebanon but in places like Spain, Pakistan, and Cleveland have gotten behind Lebanese Olympic skier Jackie Chamoun. Members...
Read full storyColorado Denies Justin Bieber's Request To Purchase A Marijuana Farm
DENVER - Word coming out of the office of Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper is that the governor has emphatically turned down Justin Bieber's request to purchase a marijuana farm. Braydon D. Citronella, who is the official spokesperson for the R...
Read full storyThe Kennedy Space Center Issues A Warning Regarding The Moon
MERRITT ISLAND, Florida - The Kennedy Space Center has just stated that The Hubble Space Telescope which is out in space has just made an interesting discovery regarding the moon. According to Virgo Coopercastle the official spokesperson for the K...
Read full storyAspen Police Confiscate 800,000 Pounds of Counterfeit Pot
ASPEN - Aspen Police working on a tip from a Mr. Klondike Quillquist, 62, have just informed the press of a huge counterfeit marijuana bust. APD spokesperson Willard Pencilbaker, 30, said that after being tipped off by Mr. Quillquist a dozen offic...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Contemplating Going Back To Canada And Joining The Army
WICHITA, Kansas - Justin Bieber traveled to the middle of the country to, as he said, get away from the limelight. He and his entourage of 16 landed in Wichita and rented 17 rooms at a local Motel 6. Justin kept a low profile eating his breakfa...
Read full storyNASA States That They Are No Longer Taking Any Applications From Colorado Residents
HOUSTON - NASA Spokesperson Trent Timmelfarb has made an announcement that has surprised many people and shocked others. He stated to the press that NASA has cancelled their scheduled trip to Denver to hold a job fair. He further explained that...
Read full storyWillie Nelson Tells Gary Busey That Colorado Has The Best Smelling Air In The Entire Country
HOLLYWOOD - Gary Busey is proud to announce that his brand new talk show The Gorgeous Gary Busey Show has just won its network time slot. Busey said that his show scored higher ratings than Live With Kelly & Michael, The Muffin Makers, and the...
Read full storyPresident Putin's Niece Is Thrilled At Getting To Meet NBC's Meredith Vieira
SOCHI, Russia - The niece of Russian President Vladimir Putin, Nadia Olgavich, is positively thrilled at having met one of her female role models, Meredith Vieira. Miss Olgavich speaking with Russia's national news agency Vodkavich said that ever...
Read full storyMick Jagger Announces He Has Just Purchased A Mansion in The Marijuana Capital of The USA, Colorado
ASPEN, Colorado - The leader of the Rolling Stones, Mick Jagger is all smiles as he has just finalised a deal to purchase a $4.9 million Rocky Mountain mansion in the Pot State of Colorado. Jagger spoke with Carolina Chipotle of Bedroom Pillow Tal...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Is Furious That Nina Dobrev Is Dating Her Ex-Fiancé Liam Hemsworth
NEW YORK CITY - The Twerking Champion of America, Miley Cyrus is reportedly fit to be tied over a recent development. Miley is not at all happy at the fact that the star of The Vampire Diaries, Nina Dobrev is dating her ex-fiancé Liam Hemsworth...
Read full storyThe Oklahoma City Thunder Are The Best In The West and In The East
OKLAHOMA CITY - Coach Scott Brooks of the Oklahoma City Thunder has said that even he is surprised at the fantastic play of his Oklahoma team. The Thunder's record is presently an amazing 43-12. Coach Brooks added that Kevin Durant is playing like...
Read full storyA Colorado Springs College Announces An Amazing Marijuana Related Name Change
COLORADO SPRINGS - The dean of Zebulon Pike College, which is located in Colorado Springs has just informed the news media that the school will be undergoing a name change. Dean Lennox Woodpulp, III, stated that after receiving a petition signed b...
Read full storyU.S. Military Instructed to Go After the Wee People's Gold
Washington, D.C. - A top secret military operation authorized by the Pentagon has been leaked to the press today by a source calling himself "King Midas". King Midas reports that the U.S. military has been given orders to begin clandestine searc...
Read full storyRock and Roll Band Names That (Thankfully) Never Got Used
1. The Centipedes 2. Blackboard and the Nails 3. Cillia and the Phlegms 4. Joe Plaque and the Arteries 5. The Wheres 6. The Whens 7. The Whys 8. The Raisinettes 9. Boney and The Mastoids 10. Old Tuna 11. Icy and the Broken Hips 12. Arafat and the Jordanaires 13. Scud Missiles 14. The Rotten Mastodons 15. Orca Dinner 16. Stubby Toe and the...
Read full storyDevil's Tower to be Site of New Observatory
LARAMIE, WYOMING - Professors from the Univ. of Wyoming Department of Physics and Astronomy have announced the acceptance of a Bill Gate's Foundation Grant for the purpose of building an observatory atop the Devil's Tower. The Devil's Tower, loca...
Read full storyWyoming to Erect High Fence Along Border with Colorado
CHEYENNE, WYOMING - Matt Mead, Governor of Wyoming, announced at a press conference today that he has authorized the erection of a 8 foot tall fence stretching along Wyoming's border with Colorado. "We can't afford to lose any more people," explai...
Read full storyWhite House to be Pink House
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The White House announced today that in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month this coming October, the White House will be painted pink. According to press secretary, Joanna Rosholm, Mrs. Obama made the decision after conferrin...
Read full storyFOX Television Found To Be Infested With Strangely Obvious Subversives
The conservative news agency FOX News has been found to be riddled with subversives, anarchic souls whose unwholesome lifestyles do not conform to FOX's strict right leaning policies. Even more surprising, some of these cancerous maladies that weaken...
Read full storyRolling Stone, Meet Klezmer, a Music Survivor!
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - When most Americans are asked, "What do you think of Klezmer?" they are flummoxed, like it is an intellectual question only a MENSA member might know the answer to. "Hum....klezmer.....klezmer....what is this Klezmer?" they ask, after guessing it is type of fish, a root vegetable from Russia, a kid's card game, or a brand new techno device. Rolling Stone Magazine...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Flagged By Police With Baby on Top of Car!
Los Angeles Police have stopped Justin Bieber as he had drivers honked horns and passengers screaming and chasing him, shouting that he had a baby on the roof of his car. Bieber waved and waved as if he hadn't a care in the world while the baby ke...
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