Credit Company Training SWAT Teams to Collect Bills

Funny story written by Colorado Joe

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

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Using a CapitalOne card might be the end of your livelihood or your life.

TYSONS CORNER, VIRGINIA-The collection department at CapitalCard is in the process of training SWAT teams to collect delinquent payments from customers' accounts using methods perfected by the Los Angeles Police Department under the regime of Police Chief Daryl Gates in the 1960s as well as Nazi-era stormtroopers.

The financial services corporation, which last reported operating income of more than $5 billion in 2012 is not satisfied with the usual scare tactics such as bad credit ratings or having Alec Baldwin call the customer's children "thoughtless pigs", noted a collection agent, who did not want to be identified.

Indeed, CapitalCard plans to disregard the laws against search and seizure without a legitimate warrant and show up at one's place of residence with such weapons as stun guns, flame throwers, napalm, M-16 assault rifles, Tasers, battering rams, tear gas and flash-bang grenades. "If anyone gets hurt," said the agent, "that's the deadbeat's fault. They should be dead anyway for not paying all their money to CapitalCard. Not just the money on their credit bill but all of their savings, all of their earnings. It is supposed to go to us."

Some of the tactics would be declared illegal and indeed unconstitutional by departments of justice, city and county attorneys' offices, states' attorneys' general, the United States Department of Justice as well as the judiciary branches from the local to the federal level-even the United States Supreme Court, noted By D. Book, legal scholar for the American Civil Liberties Union. However, CapitalCard has planned to get around that "little quibble" as another CapitalCard attorney who did not want to be identified noted. "We'll just bribe anyone who objects," he said. "Otherwise, we'll go after their credit accounts. If they have accounts with another financial service corporation, we'll punish them for not dealing with CapitalCard in the first place."

Some CapitalCard cardholders have planned some spectacular drastic measures to protect their livelihoods, not to mention their lives, if this comes to pass. Noah Masada represents a group of survivalists who plan to buy thousands of acres in Nevada used to store nuclear waste from the United States government, along with other sites which have been marked as Superfund cleanup sites such as a nuclear waste repository near Carlsbad, New Mexico. Masada plans to establish settlements for himself and his fellow CapitalCard cardholders in those places, complete with the toxic waste, AK-47s and other black-market weapons and ammunition. "We're going to be ready for those CapOne goons if they come after our money and our families," Masada said. "We intend to fight it to the death on our toxic waste dumps. They may win, but they will die. They will die!! CapitalCard will die!! We will go down as heroes!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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