Contents Of Lost Briefcase Reveal Who Rules America
Incredibly, it seems that a "secretary to the secretary" of Joint Chiefs Chair General Martin E. Dempsey left a briefcase containing top secret, hugely embarrassing materials in the men's rest room in the Pentagon "waiting area." That rest room...
Read full storyTop Ten Things You Won't Hear from Obama
This is a list of the things we would like to hear from our president, but will likely never. 1. Honestly, I did not realize how in the sh** we were until I swore in--and the first thing I noticed was that my wife's rack and upper arms were more famous than my record. I mean, how screwed up was THAT? 2. And speaking of rack and arms, my definition of rack and arms at the time I took offi...
Read full storyNew Year's wedding bells as Vladimir Putin set to marry his long term trollop Alina Kabaeva
Moscow, Russia - The nuptial ceremony has been booked for 1st January 2014 at Moscow's St Basil Fawlty Cathedral in an all-bells-and-whistles ceremony sponsored by top Russian state fracker GazProm. Thirty year-old former Olympic rhythmic gymnast...
Read full storyNew Species of Homo Detected: Sapiens May No Longer Top the Food Chain
Scientists in the High Plains of America have discovered that the human family tree has many more branches and tangles than previously thought. DNA analysis from a group of humans heavier than Robustus, stouter than Australopithecus,-- and with more...
Read full storyLots Of Other Networks Want Duck Dynasty
Several television networks are telling A&E Network that if they decide to drop the Duck Dynasty show, they are willing to pick it up. They might even get into a bidding war. One story out is that Merrill Sport, owner of the Christian-affi...
Read full storyInflation, Schminflation--Why We Pay So Much But Aren't Counted As Paying So Much
Inflation--the phenomenon that economists explain is the inexorable rise in prices that outpace our ability to purchase, doesn't seem to be a concern for central banks in general. Word on the street is that the official inflation doesn't match what i...
Read full storyFat Leonard is At It Again! Navy Flushes Out Bogus Charges
After installing flowmeters in the outputs of all Navy ships serviced by Fat Leonard Francis and his company, the Navy was able to compute just how much Fat Leonard was overcharging the Navy. It appears that Fat Leonard was claiming to be suc...
Read full storyThe Color of the Year According to Pantone
Pantone Universe has decided that a cooler shade should be named the color of year. It is called Radiant Orchid, a pinkish purple that has already been spotted on chairs, cars, suits, ties, walls, and even running shoes. This color is a great complem...
Read full storyLong Misplaced Ship's Log Surfaces
A ship's log suddenly surfaced when a diver in Casco Bay lifted what he thought was a piece of ceramic cookware. The ship's log was in surprisingly good condition as it was not inscribed on the traditional paper used during the early nineteenth centu...
Read full storySelena Gomez Cancels Tour Under Doctor's Orders!
Selena Gomez has announced that she is cancelling her tour overseas and will have tests ran to see what her problems are all about. "I simply do not feel like that tour and I wanted it very much", she told reporters. "I don't know what is wrong. I...
Read full storySource of the Obesity Epidemic found
After years of investigation, Scientists at Dyson's Research and Development labs in Sussex have isolated the single greatest cause of obesity in the western world. "It's the toaster," said Geoff Fry, head of the Single Slice Toaster Development T...
Read full storyTrendsetters in the News: Kim Jong Un Takes Photoshop to a Whole New Level
We all use Photoshop to get rid of wrinkles, bags, rolls, lines, and sags. But who would have thought that fixing awkward holiday photos could include airbrushing an ENTIRE relative out of a photo? First, it appears that an uncle was suddenly...
Read full storyUnusual Competent Thyroid Nodule Sets Workplace Efficiency Record
An unusual thyroid nodule set a record in Louisville for the most hormone produced for its relative size. In fact, it was so efficient, it was doing ALL of the jobs assigned its entire section, aptly named "the thyroid". Sadly, it was given its walki...
Read full storyStarving Artists call the Internet a vast Communist Conspiracy
Dateline: WASHINGTON--Millions of underemployed or out-of-work citizens of Canada, Europe, and the United States took to the streets to protest the internet as a vast communist conspiracy. Moreover, many Westerners are flocking to China, praising its...
Read full storyHope for Sufferers from Crazy Uncle Syndrome
Dateline: NEW YORK--Leo Cornwallis belongs to roughly the third of modern male siblings that suffer from Crazy Uncle Syndrome, according to the Sociological Index of Abnormality. But Leo and a growing number of others like him have sought to mitigate...
Read full storyDuck Dynasty Phil Robertson To Host Saturday Night Live?
After a petition urging A&E to reinstate embattled Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson has attracted more than 100,000 signatures and being backed up by hundreds of thousands of Facebook rants, Robertson says he might accept an invitation to appear...
Read full storyTop 1% Gains Illusory, says Stanley Morgan
The gains tallied in the economic reports on the Bureau of Economic Analysis are all illusory, says Stanley Morgan. They were all paper gains, and are in no way connected to the self-worth of those whose incomes are above the line that pegs them at...
Read full storyGroup Seeks to Take Back Red and Green from Christmas
For at least one group of people, Christmas can't be over soon enough. No, this group isn't comprised of Scrooges or Grinches but advocates for the colors green and red who say it's time society take back these two colors from Christmas and restore...
Read full storyBulgarian tsunami sweeping towards the UK!
EU seismoligists have predicted a rather huge volcanic eruption after January 1st in the Balkan area and warn about a huge wave, likeable to a tsunami, that will travel westwards and smother all low-lying countries including the UK. The tsunami wi...
Read full storyIs Kim Jong un having a cull of relatives?
Already demonstrating his ruthlessness by executing both his uncle and his one-time mistress, not to mention numerous other North Koreans who have incurred his displeasure but could Kim Jong Un, the country's new dictator, have purged even his own wi...
Read full storyKhloe Kardashian On Cloud 9 With Her New Friend Russell Brand
HOLLYWOOD - It appears that Khloe Kardashian wasted no time after getting divorced from NBA player Lamar Odom as she has jumped into the dating pool. The 5-foot-10-inch Kardashian was seen walking hand in hand with British comedic actor Russell Br...
Read full storyMegyn Kelly Defends Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson - Says Most Gays Are White
NEW YORK CITY - FOX News reporter Megyn Kelly who has been involved in a bit of a brouhaha herself lately, said in an interview with GOPicky Magazine that Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson is being unfairly judged. Kelly stated that Robertson did not...
Read full storySouth Korea Tells Kim Jong Un Their Country Is Not For Sale
SEOUL, South Korea - Kim Jong Un offered to purchase South Korea at a fair price. South Korea responded to his offer by saying, "Are you kidding us Doughboy?" Lower Korea went on to say that Kim Jong Un has got some gall thinking that he could...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Seen Celebrating His So-Called Retirement With A Joint
SHERMAN OAKS, California - Justin Bieber recently appeared on Tonight With Piers Morgan and he told the delving Englishman that he had decided to hang up his microphone and retire. Morgan asked him why and Bieber said that the singing business had...
Read full storyLarry King Sells His Viagra Factory To Hugh Hefner
NEW YORK CITY - Larry King recently purchased a Viagra factory located in Altoona, Pennsylvania. He just announced on his television talk show The Viagra View that he has sold it to Playboy Magazine mogul Hugh Hefner who is 87. King told his co...
Read full storyKim Jong Un Invites The Duck Dynasty Clan To Visit North Korea
PYONGYANG, North Korea - North Korean leader Kim Jong Un says that he cannot believe all the hullabaloo that is going on in America regarding Phil Robertson, patriarch of the Duck Dynasty clan. Kim Jong Un spoke with The Rice Paddy National News A...
Read full storyPope Francis Tells North Korea's Kim Jong Un To Stop Behaving Like A Spoiled Brat
THE VATICAN - Pope Francis recently met with the co-hosts of The Viagra View, Larry King and Regis Philbin at an undisclosesd place in Italy. The pope was asked by Philbin what he thinks about the state of the world. Pope Francis put down his g...
Read full storySan Francisco Drops The Duck Dynasty Program
SAN FRANCISCO - A spokesperson representing the San Francisco City Council has just stated that effective immediately the local television station that had been carrying the cable hit show, Duck Dynasty has stated that they are dropping the show.
Read full storyThe New York Knicks Have Barred Megyn Kelly From Attending Any of Their Games
NEW YORK CITY - The New York Knicks have listened to the majority of their fans and they have decided to make a decision regarding a comment recently made by FOX News talking head Megyn Kelly. Kelly remarked on national television that Santa Claus...
Read full storySan Diego State Beats The University of Buffalo In The Potato Bowl
BOISE, Idaho - The San Diego State Aztecs easily defeated the Buffalo Bulls 49-24 in The Potato Bowl. SDS Coach Rocky Long told the sports media that during the halftime he told his team to win one for the Gipper. Wide receiver Christian Cumber...
Read full storyCincinnati Teen Run Over Twice While Texting Her Friend
CINCINNAT, OH--A Cincinnati teenager, Brittany Simpson, was run over twice on Thursday while texting her friend as she crossed 4th and Walnut St. While Brittany was crossing the street, absorbed in her Smart Phone, a Ford Focus ran over the sixtee...
Read full storyStricter Saint regulations as Pilgrim " blunders" uncovered.
Several incidents involving dubious relics have led to the setting up of "Ofrelic" by the Vatican. Recently a pilgrim who had queued for hours at the "Well of St. Patella" to cure knee ligament problems was fitted with a cheap ginger wig and sent...
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