Earlier this week Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson was suspended by A&E due to comments he made in a GQ interview. The star of Duck Dynasty was quoted saying that he compared homosexuality to bestiality and that gays have bought a one way ticket to hell. These comments upset the pro-gay organization GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) and GLAAD caused enough uproar to indefinitely suspend Duck Dynasty's Robertson.
In a shocking turn of events new information has come to light regarding the Phil Robertson scandal. Reports now confirm that GLAAD was not the responsible party for moving A&E's hand to suspend Robertson. We have now found out that the group DAMFMC (Ducks Against Making Fake Mating Calls) is the responsible party. The DAMFMC supposedly hacked the network at GLAAD and imitated being part of the GLAAD organization. DAMFMC posted fake tweets and on GLAAD's Facebook wall. They were also responsible for making fake phone calls acting as GLAAD to many liberal media TV stations.
We were able to speak to many members at GLAAD and all echoed they had no problem with Duck Dynasty or the comments of Robertson. One of the senior members stated "guys blowing on little brown things and making mating calls, what's not too like?" Another female senior staff officer said "there is so much flannel on the show, I love it." When asked about DAMFMC impersonating many of the GLAAD representatives, "We are disgusted by their behavior, they are so duckin' gay."
Our reporters were able to speak to senior members at DAMFMC. When asked why they did it, DAMFMC President Daffy Duck said "Phil Robertson is the Adolf Hitler to the duck community." Daffy also angrily was quoted saying "there is a duck genocide going on and I don't see any Christians or Republicans coming to our aid, suffering succotash." DAMFMC Founder and Chairman of the board Donald Duck commented on the situation. "I am tired of all the attention these duck killers are getting. I am tired of losing family members. Do you know what it's like to wake up every day in fear of dying or losing someone close to you?" As you remember Donald lost all three of his nephews Huey, Duey and Louie in a home invasion by Robertson's family members. All charges were dropped when the courts decided that this was a simple case of ducks being lower on the food chain, just barely.
We also caught up with Uncle Scrooge McDuck during a daily swim through his money. "I don't care how many gold coins I have to use, I will make the Robertson family suffer one by one. I will kill every one of them and I will make sure it's not quack, I mean quick". Mr. McDuck is currently working on producing a mating call that will help lure the Robertson's in. The sound produced by these mating call devices will imitate that of goat. Many goats are up in arms about the new call. "Yes we slept with Phil and his sons, but none of it was consensual", said a goat that chose to remain anonymous.
DAMFMC says they are at war with the Robertsons and A&E for airing the show. They did go on to say now that the show is being taken off the air, our beef with A&E is on hold. The group does understand duck hunting is natural and part of life, but not illegally using duck calls. The duck calls were described as a type of guerilla warfare. Daffy said "US soldiers are facing the same thing in the middle east. We don't know if these duck calls are coming from promiscuous female ducks or the enemy." The infamous GEICO duck added his comments to the scandal. "Do you know what it's like to think some horny female is going to duck your brains out and then Bam, you take a 12 gauge to the head? It's like being a Cowboys fan and thinking every week they are going to win and then boom, 12 gauge to the head." Although a weird analogy we know exactly what the duck from GEICO is talking about.
This story is currently gaining steam and as we find out more details we will be the first to bring you all the action. I am sure GLAAD is very happy to have the heat removed from them. "With the shocking news of Brian Boitano coming out of the closet we have bigger fish to fry. The gay community is skating on thin ice right now" said president of GLAAD.