Contents Of Lost Briefcase Reveal Who Rules America

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Sunday, 22 December 2013

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Incredibly, it seems that a "secretary to the secretary" of Joint Chiefs Chair General Martin E. Dempsey left a briefcase containing top secret, hugely embarrassing materials in the men's rest room in the Pentagon "waiting area."

That rest room is available to the public for use. This is why this reporter gained access to utterly sensational materials, which I will disclose here. The briefcase, among paper contents, contained a two-hour videotape of some of the most important figures, public and private, in the U.S. in a secret meeting.

The materials in the case actually reveal who rules the U.S.A.! Historically there have been many theories about this subject: Favorite candidates have been "The Power Elite" (upper class), The Council On Foreign Relations, Wall Street Bankers, The IMF, "Deep Politics" (the military-surveillance-intelligence-police state) and Skull and Bones.

The contents of the briefcase do not exactly discredit any one of these theories. However they do shed considerable light on how the powerful view themselves, their roles in government, and how they relate to one another and their benefactors.

The video opens up with a shot of a large banner with the term "FRAUD, INC." emblazoned across it. Briefcase papers reveal that the meeting is in a secure room at Camp David.

There is a platform, which holds about a dozen speakers. The moderator is former Vice-President Dick Cheney.

"Welcome to the 22nd annual meeting of FRAUD," he smirks. Cheney turns to President Obama seated a few chairs away.

"I want to congratulate you Mr. President on your statements about 'getting special interests' out of politics."

The room, which seems to hold about 100 people, erupts into uncontrolled laughter. There is long, prolonged applause. Especially delighted are 3 prominent Wall Street Bankers on the stage.

After noting Bernie Madoff's absence ("he'll be back") Cheney continues, "Mr. Obama's statement is only topped by Leon Panetta's claim that 'we are winning in Afghanistan.'" The notion that the U.S. could win a victory in that, drug-ridden, corrupt, medieval non-country is greeted with hilarity.

"The only winners there are the drug lords with the huge crops and the corrupt officials who got the big payoffs. Too bad we couldn't get our cut but you really couldn't pull that one off," says Cheney, The participations on the platform nod in serious agreement.

Bill Clinton rises to his feet and interrupts the former Vice-President. "The biggest whopper I ever heard was when George W. here, looking back on the Iraq war he started said - and this was 2 years later -said that the invasion and occupation were a success!"

Bush is seen laughing and says, "Maybe I do some exaggeratings but, unlike my dad (he motions to George Herbert Walker) I didn't pull my dick out of there but kept it boring in."

"Way to go Oedipus!" exclaims Chairman Gen. Dempsey.

Cheney tries to control the conversation but isn't successful. Harry Reid grabs a microphone and says that "What gets to me" is the hilarious finger pointing in the media.

"It's all the democrats fault, it's all the GOP's fault we incessantly hear. They're too lame to point out that it's the banksters who own the banks and factories who control all of us here in this room who like paralysis and inefficiency in government"

While the Wall Street bankers on stage smile, the room is mostly silent. This seems to be a reality best unspoken.

But the atmosphere brightens when John Boehner points out that the current approval rating of Congress is 9%. He pauses for effect and adds, "It can't be that high!" Amidst the merriment Cheney speaks up.

"Barak, Putin saved your ass in Syria. The hawks around you wanted intervention and that would have meant some boots on the ground. So, Vladie gets his buddies there under control and they do a chemical weapons deal."
Obama smiles and nods. "He not only saved my ass - - we were going to launch the missiles -he beat my ass! By helping me out of a jam Putin has made himself a sort of senior partner. He's the real power behind a deal with Iran."

Biden tells Obama that this is not the place to "admit screw-up's!" The President responds that what counts is that he and Putin are making oil pipeline and drilling deals behind the scenes, that "everything's o.k." Smiles all around.

Cheney intervenes and says that they should "get back on track" and have "some real fun." He seems intent on having a good laugh at Obama's expense. He shouts, "If you like your plan you can keep your plan." "How in hell could you say that about health insurance?"
The room erupts and soon there is a chant, "If you like your plan, you can keep your plan, If you like your plan you can keep your plan."

As the chant subsides, Biden yells, "Death Panels! Ha, you bastards and your death panels."

"We made up a good one," Boehner yells back. Soon, the chant of "Death Panels, Death Panels" rocks the room.

Vice-President Biden interrupts and turns to Gen. Martin E. Dempsey. "You guys can't sit here and be left off the hook. You can't keep track of your money. There were billions or more paid out, wasted, stolen and you don't know where it went."

"That's why we have to make up numbers as we go along," Dempsey laughingly responds, clapping his hands in glee.

From the right corner in the back another chant goes up and spreads throughout the room, "Koch Brothers, Koch Brothers, Climate Change Hoax, Climate Change Hoax." When it subsides we see Cheney at the microphone.

He seems obsessed with embarrassing Barak Obama. "Mr. President, you take credit for an improving economy, for creating new jobs. They're almost all part-time, low pay, no benefits poverty line affairs."

Obama laughs and spreads his hands, "What the hell do you expect Dick, -- I, you, Gorge and Bill outsourced all the quality work overseas."

Cheney smirks in agreement but will not let up on the President. "You, Gen. Alexander and Clapper say that the NSA doesn't collect data on the American People. But why are all of those NSA private contractors playing with themselves looking at porn attachments to e-mails that are supposed to be private?"

The room now is out of control. Screams of "We want porn, we want porn" seem to go on endlessly.

Cheney responds, "Let's go get some, let's go get some, meeting adjourned."

The limited space provided to this reporter prevents more detailed reporting on the events of that day. I will present the reader with much more information in future columns thanks to the error made by the "secretary to the secretary." After reading them I think you will be in a better position to decide the question, Who Rules America?

I close with a remark made by Henry Lewis Menken, "The People who are admired in America the most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth."

This reporter hopes he does not fit into the later category. Kudos to the publisher and editor of this newspaper who had the courage to print this column

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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