Rabies sweeps Barking
Isle of Dogs, Barking - There are reports tonight of widespread foaming at the mouth across the borough's postcode of London K9. A rabid 'Africanised' vampire bat is suspected of biting a traffic warden who then infected a colleague during a lunc...
Read full storyFears of a new dotcom crash see Farcebook shares bomb
New York - Hole-in-the-Wall Street analysts say a sexed-up pre-IPO report deliberately over-valued shares in the iconic social networking fright. They're blaming carpetbagging trolls and cyber bottom-feeders for the $16bn IPO frenzy that's descend...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars' Derek Hough And Welsh Singer Katherine Jenkins Spotted Walking Hand-In-Hand On The Santa Monica Pier
HOLLYWOOD - Season 14 of Dancing With The Stars was won by Green Bay Packer wide receiver Donald Driver and his partner the gorgeously attractive blonde bombshell from Australia Peta Murgatroyd. Tahiti Zeppelin with Hollywood Hors D'oeuvres stated...
Read full storyLocal Man Gets Something In His Eye As He Watches 'The Chase' On ITV
Local Man, Martin Shuttlecock, reportedly a globetrotting trout tickler of some repute, today revealed that he got something in his eye, as he settled down at teatime to watch ITV's flagship pre-news quiz programme, 'The Chase' on the television. "I don't know what it was, but it hurt like buggery," Shuttlecock grumbled. "I had to take a couple of tablets because me eyeball came up all red and...
Read full storyRooks Droft part two: The odds get better
The lads strolled outside and looked up toward the hills. On the horizon stood four thousand Zulu warriors, our battle hardened troops did the typical British thing and went for breakfast. "Do they always get up this early on a Sunday?" asked Lynton. "Maybe they are going to church" offered Pinxit. "Could be going shopping" said Danton. "Fuck em" replied Erskin "we have every right to...
Read full storyIrish Warned To Beat Olympics Travel Jams - Other Communities Up In Arms
Leading Liberal Democrat Dee Doocey is at the centre of a political storm after failing to warn some ethnic communities about possible travel problems during the Olympics. Dublin-born Baroness Doocey, who recently stepped down from the London Asse...
Read full storyDisability ramp installed for the Miss World finals
Miss World, the politically incorrect contest for denigrating women, has made a step towards political correctness by installing a disability ramp. "This isn't the first time we've made a nod towards political correctness," said contest organiser,...
Read full storyEurovision song contest will be won by a mime act
It was calculated that the Eurovision Song Contest for 2012 would be won by Sweden due to the way countries vote for each other. The mathematical formula for calculating the winner is freely available, and has correctly predicted seven of the last fi...
Read full storyNFL Implements Rule Changes to Make League Tougher with More fan Interactive
The NFL announced a whole set of rule changes today which they hope will garner more interest and revenue by making the league tougher and more brutal than it has ever been. The changes were made at the annual league meeting of owners which was held...
Read full storyQuentin Kelp MP - My views - your Member
Dear Constituents I had a most hectic night and seem to have caught a cold. I got wet last night though it wasn't the rain. I got soaked by champagne. There were several parties going on at the pub including a group still celebrating Chelsea's victory over Munich. I expect I'll be OK this evening, so no need to send a Get Well cards as I'm sure I'll be up and running in no time at all. Any...
Read full storyDutch woman accused of genocide; she murdered a million ants!
A Dutch woman has been accused at the International court of justice in the Hague of genocide because she massacred a million (not exactly counted because the rascals are cannibals and many of the dead bodies were eaten) ants outside her front door.
Read full storyTow truck towed by the same company
A Workington Vehicle Recovery Service has been forced to tow one of its own trucks, after it was discovered parks in a no-park zone in Workington town centre. "It's a bit embarrassing really," said tow-truck driver Barry O'Nick. "I was on my round...
Read full storyChelsea Clinton hides suspected baby bump with 'subtle' purple and black maternity dress
London - It's the sort of 'baby hint' dress that excited first time moms-to-be pick just as soon as the pee test's registered positive. Last night at a Clinton Foundation bash in London former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton stepped out in a $5,000...
Read full storyPolice Chief Assigns 10 Officers to find his Wife's Orgasm
Exactly when Sacramento, California police chief's wife, Sally Ice, lost her orgasm is unknown. It seemingly disappeared somewhere between St. Valentine's Day and this morning when she first noticed it was gone. Fortunately for Mrs. Ice, her hu...
Read full storyGreece Claims Patent on Greek Salad! Dept Crisis Over!
Athens = In a surprise move Greek officials today announced they are claiming a patent on Greek salads. They will demand royalties be paid on every Greek salad made by every restaurant in the world, beginning immediately and retroactive to 1950.
Read full storyCharacter is Fate in Boston
Doc Rivers said before the next playoff game that after last season they had to get the locker room right. He had to improve the character of the team. He didn't respect some of those last season. Ben Cherington wouldn't know a right locker room i...
Read full storyOn Deck: Disrespect for Big Papi
Red Sox slugger David Ortiz has a new theme song. "R-E-S-P-E-C-T." Spell it out, or better yet: sing it, Aretha. If you hear the latest Karaoke song of the Boston team, it is David Ortiz of the Red Sox singing along with Aretha Franklin. We...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars Crowns Green Bay Packer Wide Receiver Donald Driver As The 2012 Mirror Ball Champion
HOLLYWOOD - The 14th season of Dancing With The Stars had without a doubt the best celebrity dancers in the shows history. This year's final three consisted of Welsh opera singer Katherine Jenkins (paired with Mark Ballas), Mexico's top soap opera...
Read full storyCharles "The Fat Bro" Barkley Is Dumped As Spokesperson For Weight Whompers
NEW YORK CITY - Charles Barkley who played in the NBA and is presently a sports analyst for the TNT Network has just learned that he has been fired from being the Weight Whompers spokesperson. Barkley was informed in an email by WW CEO Clara Jolen...
Read full storyJustin Bieber and Girlfriend Selena Gomez Announce Plans To Build A 40 Ride Amusement Theme Park
TARZANA - Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez recently spoke with Fuchsia Garfunkel a reporter with The Cucamonga Chit Chat Chronicle. The very happy couple announced plans for a brand new amusement theme park that they have been talking about since la...
Read full storyLamar Odom Reveals That His Marriage To Khloe Kardashian Has Become A High-Wire Balancing Act With No Net
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Lamar Odom and his wife Khloe Kardashian-Odom are back in LaLaLand and the two could not be happier. Lamar after being traded from the Los Angeles Lakers to the Dallas Mavericks failed to fit in with Mark Cuban's team. And Khloe w...
Read full storyAll not well with Zuckerbergs: Priscilla angered by Facebook stock
Only days into the Zuckerbergs' new life together, Priscilla Chan is enraged with her husband, the NASDAQ, and anyone else who gets in her way. How many shares of Facebook she actually owns is a mystery, but one thing is clear: The stock issued at...
Read full storyMan Increases Brain Power 22% By Smoking Malted Baboon Fur
Dorking Zoo Keeper, Stavros Jones, improved his brainpower three-fold by smoking the malted fur from various primates at the zoo he is employed at an un-named conservation park in Surrey. Stavros, a keen botanist when not tending to primates, boas...
Read full storyOver Zealous White House Staff Members Fired by the President
Washington DC: A number of White House staff members have been fired for creating the He's Every-Where Program, on the White House website, supposedly without the president's knowledge. The He's Every-Where program is a three phase program consist...
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