Control pants to replace electronic ankle tag says Theresa May
London - Sex and other offenders on parole are to be given the option of a new kind of non-surreptitious surveillance tool the Home Secretary announced today. Electronic control pants that combine spandex-reinforced micro-circuit gadgetry with the...
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Smiling is almost as contagious as yawning
Research coming out of the Happiness Research Institute in Slough has discovered that smiling is almost as contagious as yawning. "This has been our most fun experiment to date," said head Laughter Technician, Earnest Staid. "This has been more fu...
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Man Jumps off of Building, Saved by a Pigeon
I was having a really bad day so I jumped off the ledge of the building I worked at and was making my way toward the ground when this pigeon comes flying up beside me, feverishly flapping his wings to keep up with my descent. "Hey stupid?" The pigeon yelled out. Surprised, I looked over at the rat with feathers and replied. "I didn't know pigeons could talk?" "Yea, well it's not like we...
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Motorist Crashes into Bus full of Nuns While Eating a Hambuger
Ball Banger Virginia- Police responded to the scene of a horrific accident involving a Toyota Prius and a School bus full of Nuns. The driver of the Prius, Bob Baily of West Hankin PA., was extracted from his crumpled vehicle by paramedics who had to employ the use of the "Jaws of Life" to get him out. A bio-hazard unit was dispatched to the scene when paramedics reported an unknown substance...
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Congress Thinks The Unthinkable
WASHINGTON -- Determined to put a dent in the national debt, the House of Representatives has voted to sell the White House. The Senate quickly jumped on debt reduction bandwagon but held out for the less radical idea of simply mortgaging the Whi...
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More comfortable seats to be installed at bus stops
Manchester is to trial a new system for making waiting for buses more comfortable and pleasant for commuters by installing sofa style seating at bus stops throughout Greater Manchester. "It think it's a brilliant idea," said one local commuter fro...
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UK Fatties to be re-housed in countryside barns!
All UK fatties over the weight of 50 stone, and growing, are to be re-housed and replaced in countryside barns with double doors. There are now over 200 of them and they are all either stuck on the bog, stuck between their crisp and Mars Bar wrapping...
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BootyFull Unveils Summer 2012 Collection
High street chain BootyFull unveiled its Summer Collection to rave reviews yesterday. A host of minor celebrities attended the launch party after complimentary champagne and canapés were on offer to the B-listers. The party, held at a top London Pre...
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Fenway Sports Group, "walk alone" in their appointment of the new Liverpool Manager!
This was ANFIELD: Liverpool Football Club haven't got a squad of high quality players in sufficient depth, to get them back into the top four places, of the Premiership table. Many Liverpool fans will not accept another season of mediocrity, anot...
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Leyton Orient apply for Olympic Stadium groundshare with West Ham
Leyton Orient chairman Barry Hearn has confirmed that his League One club will be applying for a groundshare of the Olympic Stadium with neighbours West Ham United. The Olympic Back Slapping Committee will meet to decide in the weeks leading up to...
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Vacation With Mitt Romney's Offshore Bank Accounts
The Mitt Romney Presidential Campaign decided to create a travel agency called, No Apologies, (a new Bain Capital investment) giving vacationers the rare opportunity to visit the seven offshore banks throughout the world holding the Romney family inv...
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2012 England Football squad, unworthy of wearing the "sacred" red shirt.
Wembley, LONDON: The current England Football squad travel to Euro 2012 Finals, without the 'iconic' red shirt, because they are unworthy of wearing the "sacred" red shirt. England Football teams "sacred" red shirt, will be forever associated wit...
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The Donald Trump - Wolf Blitzer Feud Hits The Fan
NEW YORK CITY - An article which appeared in Yippee-Ki-Yay Magazine states that Donald Trump is having trouble finding celebrities to appear in the next season of his show Celebrity Apprentice. Grilletta Brewburger with YKY revealed that Trump has...
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Epsom Derby meeting: College of Psychic Studies channels Shergar warning
London - Thirty-one years after burning the Derby course and distance record a spooky Shergar hexoplasm apparition has rattled bookies. Last night's seance at London's top spiritualism freakshow channelled the dead thoroughbred's warning that the...
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Pope's Butler Jailed For Treason
Little Paul, the Pope's butler, has been thrown in the Vatican jail accused of betraying the pontiff He faces 30 years in jail if he is found guilty. Paolo Gabriele, 46, is accused of being the mystery whistleblower who has been leaking docume...
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Boston Red Sox Continue to be Finger Licking Unlucky
Thumb injuries have gone viral on the Boston Red Sox. Who knew that thumb problems are catchy? Dustin Pedroia could be out as much as a month according to some reports because of his injured thumb. He played for weeks with a problem that blew up w...
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Civil War Threat Over Library Closures
Anti-library closure activists fear civil war on English streets following Brent Council's 'cowardly' dead-of-night raid in Kensal Rise today. The council hit the library to remove books, photographs and comemmorative plaques at 2am, under the gua...
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Alan Partidge Withdraws From 2016 London Mayoral Contest
Toe-curlingly awkward chat show host, Alan Partridge, has shocked the political world by announcing his withdrawal from the next London Mayoral contest in 2016. The "foot in the mouth" presenter's decision comes after the BBC last night announced...
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Ashley Olsen said she is jealous of Kim Kardashian
According to the media, Ashley Olsen is jealous of Kim Kardashian's body because Kim has a feminine figure. Olsen said she wants to get plastic surgery to enlarge her breast, widen her hips and enlarge her buttocks, so she could look more like K...
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Charles Barkley Spotted Walking Hand-In-Hand With His Former Hair Stylist Mr. Maurice-Maurice of Memphis
OKLAHOMA CITY - Charles Barkley was in town for the NBA Western Conference championship series between the San Antonio Spurs and the Oklahoma City Thunder. The Spurs led by veterans Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobili have won the first two...
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Bashar al-Assad has done the unspeakable
The self appointed president of Syria Bashar al-Assad, with the help of the Chinese government, ordered the combat death of an Army sergeant in California. Several of al-Assad's sleeper agents gunned down Army Sgt. Nathen Taylor while he was in a...
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Radioactive sushi beneficial
San Francisco - The local chamber of commerce announced today that the new, glowing sushi being served at local eateries is very beneficial, especially for cancer patients. According to chair, Dr. Bunhardschmit, the radiation consumed in the sushi...
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Ferris Wheel Operator is Just Itching to Throw the Brake in the Middle of the Ride after releasing the Seat Locks
Percy Twirl has been working the giant Ferris wheel at Jumpin' Jimmy's Amusement Park without incident for close to two decades now. But as of late, Percy Twirl has just been itching to unlock the seat locks and pull the emergency brake somewhere in the middle of a ride when the Ferris wheel is chock full of fannies. Percy finds himself more and more clenching and unclenching his right hand as...
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Infield-fly rule extended to ground balls
NEW YORK - Sandlot Andy, the chair of the baseball Playing Rules Committee, today held a press conference to announce new rules. At its May 2012 meeting, it voted to incorporate the extended infield-fly rule to apply to ground balls. Henceforth, any...
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