Rooks Droft part two: The odds get better

Funny story written by armfeetandtoe

Wednesday, 23 May 2012


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Inchcocks donkey is worried he will be eaten.

The lads strolled outside and looked up toward the hills. On the horizon stood four thousand Zulu warriors, our battle hardened troops did the typical British thing and went for breakfast.

"Do they always get up this early on a Sunday?" asked Lynton.

"Maybe they are going to church" offered Pinxit.

"Could be going shopping" said Danton.

"Fuck em" replied Erskin "we have every right to be here, Queen Victoria owns this land".

"Beg pardon sir" interrupted Bovine, "This land belongs to King Chittybangbang and the Wherethefukarewe tribe, Africa's biggest Zulu nation".

"They aren't after the rent money are they?" asked Danton.

Colonel Erskin stood up and brushed the crumbs from his night shirt. He then began strolling round the canteen, hands clasped tightly behind his back.

"What the fuck is he doing?" whispered Lynton.

"Walking off his bacon eggs and toast" replied Pinxit.

"He's thinking, and we all know what happens when he does that" advised Danton.

"For god's sake interrupt him Lynton" hissed Pinxit.

"Bovine, interrupt the Colonel" ordered Lynton.

"Sir" started Bovine, "What are we going to do if the Zulu's attack?"

Erskin stopped mid stride and turned to face his men. He had a strained look on his face.
A postern blast shook the room, the smile returned to the Colonels face.

"Ah, that's better, must have been the beans we had for tea last night. Now, about these Zulu's, why do they want kill us Bovine?" asked Erskin.

"Because we have been emptying our slop and piss buckets in their river for the last two years, killed the wildlife, killed them, nicked their land and built on a sacred burial site. Plus, a couple of weeks ago one of our lads ran off with the chief's eldest daughter" answered the bemused Sergeant Major.

"Typical, all this aggro over a river" said Lynton.

The men talked among themselves but were interrupted by a knock at the canteen door.

"Come in" said Danton.

"What if it's the Zulu's?" asked Pinxit.

"Don't come in" shouted Lynton.

The canteen door opened and in walked a medium sized man wearing an out size British army uniform. In his left hand he held a doctors medical bag. In his right hand a rope that was attached to a Donkey. "Private Inchcock reporting for duty Sir" it said.

"Are you a Zulu spy?" asked Danton.

"He is very white for a Zulu" noted Pinxit.

"How did you manage to walk past all those Zulu warriors?" enquired Erskin.

"Sold them some of my toothache medicine Sir" answered Inchcock.

"No wonder they have the hump, toothache and no pain killers" said Danton.

"Where you from?" asked Pinxit.

"London" answered Inchcock.

"What part?" said Lynton.

"All of me" replied Inchcock.

"Where did you get the donkey?" asked Erskin.

"Off the Zulu's Sir, they didn't have any change on them" answered Inchcock.

Over a plate of sausage, egg and stale bread, Inchcock explained that he had been wondering around Africa looking for his regiment. He had been given medical supplies to deliver to the front line at Islandwahra but when he got there, they had gone. With no map or compass he followed the road signs and eventually ended up in Rooks Droft.

"Well, that makes six of us, the odds are getting better" said Erskin.

"I feel so much better" replied Lynton.

"At least we can make a run for it on the donkey" offered Pinxit.

"The way things are going, we will be eating the donkey" explained Danton.

"I've got a packet of mints if that helps" said Inchcock.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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