Isle of Dogs, Barking - There are reports tonight of widespread foaming at the mouth across the borough's postcode of London K9.
A rabid 'Africanised' vampire bat is suspected of biting a traffic warden who then infected a colleague during a lunchtime shag in the park.
Both men were carted off to Barking's Queen Mother Mammorial - er..Memorial! as fears of a borough-wide pandemic spread like wildfire.
They're diagnosed as suffering from 'a cute viral infection' known as hydrophobia, something that's spread by the 'heir of the dog'.
Symptoms include persistent yapping, fear of standpipes and very high temperatures.
If left untreated the illness is fatal.
A spokesperson for the hospital's tropical diseases unit said tonight the outbreak has been traced to a garden party given by the Queen at Buckingham Palace
Apparently one of her demented senile relatives imprisoned deep inside the Palace crypt has escaped and accidentally set free the
toxic pathogen-laden bat.
An emergency immunization SWAT team has been rushed to Buck House along with a poison blow dart detachment from London Zoo.
Prince Philip is in a straitjacket.