Government To Implement New Sunlight Tax
In a move that is certain to delight everyone who lives on this beautiful island, our beloved and inventive government has come up with yet another brilliant way to raise more money for them to spend wisely. The sunlight tax bill is due to be deba...
Read full story"Anna Soubry's A Lying Bastard Bitch Too!" Says Yorkshire VAT Pasty Rebel Ken Mither
Hotshot Yorkshire based VAT on pasties rebel, and campaigner for real gravy, Ken Mither, this evening reacted furiously to an edition of the BBC's 'Question Time' programme, after Conservative MP Anna Soubry, a panellist on the programme, stated that...
Read full storyDroylsden lose the Manchester Senior Cup without kicking a ball
Droylsden FC, a not-quite-professional football club from east Manchester playing in the Conference North has lost the final of the Manchester Senior Cup without ever kicking a ball. The game, scheduled for last week, was postponed when Droylsden...
Read full storyAnti-slippers are a must buy for the safety conscious
The Safety in the Home Instructional Task-force has produced its recommendations to cut down on accidents in the home. The main outcome of the five year study is that the slippers are to blame for just over half of all home based accidents. "In fi...
Read full storyEnd of the World 2
Cinemas are getting prepared to screen the new sensational blockbuster End of the World 2. Following the huge success of End of the World last year, which portrayed the terror and mayhem of a strike by nurses, we are promised that the follow up will...
Read full story50th aniversary of breast implants and they just keep growing!
Breat implants have now been part of the female race for 50 years and there is no sign that that they are getting any smaller, in fact they increase year for year! In the beginning they were soft, foamy and very spongy; nowadays they tend to be fi...
Read full storyPeople Who Brought You Idol To Adapt Hunger Games As Reality Show
Simon Cowell has announced today that his TV company "Idol Bastards" will produce a reality live action game show based on the movie Hunger Games to be named "Starvin' Marvin - Hunt Them Kids Down" Contestants from each US state, one boy and one g...
Read full storyObama's To Divorce After President Admits To secret Love Child Trayvon Martin
President Barack Obama who weighed into the controversial killing of a black teenager in Florida in very personal terms last week, announcing the boy to his son and calling for American "soul searching" over how the incident occurred has incurred the...
Read full storyChancellor To Tax Packed Lunches
In a bold move to cut the UK trade deficit, Chancellor, George Osborne has taken the bold move of taxing packed lunches, at a standard rate of £2 per packed lunch. Critics say that the move is ludicrous and unworkable, and that it will only lead t...
Read full storyEd Miliband 'is Red Ken's love child' - reports
London - Aides of London Mayor wannabe Ken Livingstone were staying silent as news of his paternity of the Labour leader broke today. Apparently a late 1960s fling with a 'deranged alcoholic slag' saw 'Ed' spawned in the back of a London potting s...
Read full storyFormer Kamikaze pilot hired by Gingrich!
In a surprise announcement this morning, Newt Gingrich announced that he had hired an Ex Kamikaze pilot as his campaign manager. Newt introduced the ninety-two year old pilot Yoshiro Metamora and explained his strategy in a few words. According...
Read full storyNavy Seals To Be Issued With Hoodies To Make Them Look Meaner
The US Department of Defense has announced that American Special Forces squads are to be issued with "Hoodies" in an attempt to instil fear into enemy troops. "Hoodies" are believed to strike more terror into American's than any other item of clot...
Read full storyNudge, Nudge. Ginsberg Goes!
Is she a goer? Nudge, nudge. Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Is she a goer? Does she go? Does she go? Ay, Ay, does she go? I bet she does! I bet she does! Nudge, nudge. Of course, as any fan of Monty Python knows, in this famous humorous...
Read full storyGlenn Hoddle Is New England Manager
Glenn Hoddle has been named England manager, according to a press release made from FA HQ in London. Hoddle, 60, last managed England in 1996 - and led them to World Cup gory, or would have, had David Beckham not got himself sent off against Argen...
Read full storyTepid Cornish pasties blamed for narcolepsy pandemic
London - The government has been forced to eat cold humble pie after experts traced a paralytic extreme drowsiness pandemic to soaring numbers of people eating the lukewarm snacks. Last week's budget slapped a hefty 20% VAT hike on the nation's fa...
Read full storyKevin Garnett Does Not Live on Golden Pond
Since being moved to play a position he detests, Kevin Garnett of the Boston Celtics has been playing like a young pup. No matter where he plays, KG always resembles a young whelp. After spearheading another Celtic victory, the kingpin and centerp...
Read full storyShades of Grey Trilogy; Should Hercule Poirot Share In Its Profits?
"Oui," answers Poirot. You see, it's the cells, those "little gray cells" that the Belgian detective always speaks of. Now someone has stolen his thunder, taken the word gray (sometimes spelled grey), and is using it to make a mint. And Poirot...
Read full storyCrisis in Downing Street
Following the news that guests paid up to £25,000 to have dinner with David and Samantha Cameron, recent publicity for those who have attended has resulted in a marked drop-off in attendance to the Cameron dinner parties. Cameron complained today...
Read full storyBelgian Man Sues Language School when Subliminal Speak German CD causes him to Invade Poland
Martin Krauthammer, a 41-year old Belgian national and middle-ranking functionary at the EU in Brussels, hoped in February that his career - and his unrequited love for German Chancellor Angela Merkel - could only be enhanced by learning to read and...
Read full storyKhloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom Could Be Heading For The Big "D" (Divorce)
DALLAS - It is no secret that Khloe Kardashian, 27, misses the spotlight of Tinsel Town worse than she lets on. Big Khloe, as her husband Lamar Odom calls her, has made it known that she is not at all happy with having to relocate from her home in...
Read full storyNadya Suleman AKA "OctoMom" Begs Simon Cowell To Let Her Take Nicole Scherzinger's Place On X-Factor
LA HABRA, California - Nadya Suleman, better known as "OctoMom" has found herself in some serious financial trouble. The single mother of 14, including octuplets, cannot afford to continue living in her present home. The house is valued at $565,00...
Read full storyMy Worst Nightmare: I Was Married to Newt Gingrich
I'm coming clean and you are the first to know. If you are a frequent Dating Dementia reader, you'll recall that I seldom remember my dreams. Scientists have established that everyone dreams. I'm sure I do. Yet, for some unknown reason, upon waking I remember nothing about the weird wanderings of my midnight mind. Ignorance is indeed bliss. My bliss bubble was popped early this morning...
Read full story"Bitches Against Romney." Female Dogs Unite Against Mitt Romney's Shocking Mistreatment of Seamus, Their Canine Brother
Every good dog has his day, and Seamus Romney is finally feeling his alpha male oats. Seamus, the long-deceased Irish Setter who belonged to presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, became famous for one of the Romney family's annual summer road trips whic...
Read full storyKohler Movement Flushes Sales
Stock prices of Kohler Corporation tumbled today after their public announcement that they would no longer sponsor advertisements during the immensely popular Rush Limbaugh show. Kohler's keen marketing executives said that building pressure from t...
Read full storySenator Rand Paul: France a "great place, except for the 'effing' French!"
BLUEGRASS, KY (ABSNN)-Editor's Note: It would appear that our journalist, Francois Dubois, S.J. has "gone native" in this piece and true objectivity is totally off his table. He actually told me that, for one brief moment, he was in total shock to...
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