Euro says Non
The besieged European Union hit a new low today when the EU's Linguistic Concordat Enforcement Unit ordered all French people to stick to speaking French. LCEU Chairpersonne Mme. Bonnie Bobsled said that French people are just embarrassing themsel...
Read full storyStudy Reveals: Americans Better At Rioting Than People In UK
Washington - A study was released here today proving Americans are much better at rioting than people in other countries - especially the UK. "We rock when it comes to rioting," says White House spokesperson, Perry Larson. "No one riots like the U...
Read full story'Melrose' Star OK
Heather Locklean was swooped Code 4 to the hospital by ambulance Thursday afternoon after consuming a life threatening elixir of dangerous prescription drugs and alcohol ... law enforcement sources tell ETZ. We've learned ... Locklean's guardian...
Read full storyMan sells TV rights to his own murder
A German man has sold the rights to his murder to a television production company. The murder will take place later this year in Switzerland under the country's new euthanasia laws. Herman Funster, 47, of Munich, appears physically fit but is act...
Read full storyPatriot's Belichick To Deploy Reverse Quasimodo Bell Defense To Ring In Tim Tebow
FOXBOROUGH - Who says that Bill Belichick won't break down the specific game plan before an upcoming game? Yesterday in a press conference he announced that he was going to use the reverse Quasimodo bell defense in an attempt to "ring in" Bronco qua...
Read full storyAn Extremely Furious Michele Bachmann Has Asked Herman Cain To Please Stop Calling And Asking Her Out
INTERNATIONAL FALLS, Minnesota - Michele Bachmann, who dropped out of the GOP presidential race after a very poor showing in the Iowa Caucus, recently confided to her hair stylist that she is really upset about a certain former fellow GOP presidentia...
Read full storyRussian Mars Probe Set to Penetrate Earth's Sensitive Atmosphere
Finishing its mission and now on a free return trajectory to Earth, the Russian Mars Probe, also known by developing scientists as the "Burrowing Gerbil", is set for penetration of Earth's atmosphere sometime this weekend. Not planned for survival...
Read full storyOxymora Dictionary Creator Retires, Says Career was Awfully Good
Partially successful in two major industries during his peak professional years, Sandy Clay Livingstone was perhaps the best known secret of the literary world for founding the original Oxymora Dictionary, later in life. Recognizing the acute dull...
Read full storyUS soldiers did not pee on the Taliban, it was just a wee drop!
The shocking video of US soldiers peeing on the corpses of their Taliban enemies is a fix! The GI's admit to having a pee, but it was just a wee pee and not a "proper wee wee". At the time of the video being filmed they had had nothing to drink f...
Read full storyJeremy Clarkson in 24 hour 'sponsored silence' shock
The world was shocked to the core today when Jermey Clarkson took a vow of silence, thus failing to verbally attack anyone with his pointless idiotic rants. Recent targets include Indians, public sector workers, cockle pickers and The Isle of Shep...
Read full storyRussians to provide NASA with lunch facilities
News is emerging that NASA have approached Russia to provide them with lunch facilities following the retirement of head chef Dave Shuttle. "Dave has been with NASA for many years now," said catering manager, Chuck Bolden. "Most employees at the m...
Read full storyBolton To Do A Blackburn On Man United Says Funnyman Peter Kay
Anything Blackburn can do, Bolton can do better, at least according to roly-poly Bolton funnyman Peter Kay - who reckons that not only will Bolton beat Man United at Old Trafford, but that they'll win by a wider margin than Rovers 3-2 Kay, who by...
Read full storyBritish Gas announces 5% increase in pretending to care about customers
British Gas has announced a 5% increase in pretending to care about its customer base after confirming it will slash 5% off electricity bills which increased by 16% in August. The move comes a day after EDF ramped up their own attempts at feigning...
Read full storyWarner Bros plan US Marine urination biopic
Warner Bros are to begin casting for an as of yet unnamed biopic recounting US Marine's liberating Afghanistan from its tyrannical rule by urinating on the corpses of fallen members of presiding Taliban forces. The movie, to be directed by Franci...
Read full storyControversy as sheep help Irish man set 8-hour sobriety record
Controversy abounds across the water after it was alleged an County Donegal man abused his affinity with 744 New Zealand sheep in a bid to set a new 8-hour sobriety world record for an Irishman. Ivan Scott from Kilmacrennan, beat the world record...
Read full storyPaddington Bear to launch marmalade sandwich rendition probe
Paddington Bear is to lead an immediate investigation into the alleged 'renditioning' of a loaf bread and the contents of a jar of marmalade apparently removed from the cupboard of his live-in landlords, the Browns. The Bear, from Deepest Darkest...
Read full storyGerrard extends Premier League Winner indemnity
Steven Gerrard has extended his current Premier League Winner indemnity agreement with Liverpool for an undisclosed period of time, the club have announced. The midfielder negotiated an extension to his existing indemnity with the Merseyside outfi...
Read full storySarah's Law, Turkey Style
Sarah Ferguson aka as the Duchess of York has been caught up in Turkish law for not getting the agreement of mistreated orphans before taking photographs of them. Prince Andrew aka the Duke of York is camping outside the Turkish embassy in London...
Read full storyBalotelli Stool Sample to be Auctioned on Ebay
Controversial footballer, Mario Balotelli, has been at it again. It appears that he popped into a Manchester sixth form college to use their toilet. Catholic Sixth Form College, The College of the Holy Water, have identified the toilet in question an...
Read full storyNew smartphone "app" an instant success with the undead
A new application has been launched today aimed specifically at both the undead and the walking dead - the ghouls, ghosts, vampires, zombies and Big Brother contestants of this world. Called "Coffin Better", the application will instantly tells th...
Read full storyChinese throw iPhones at egg shop that fails to open
Unhappy Chinese folk today threw their iPhones at an egg store that failed to open. The store in Beijing was due to open this morning and promised to sell different types of eggs, however when it failed to open its doors the baying crown grew more an...
Read full storyStephen Colbert Starts Campaign in South Carolina, Gingrich Flees
Satirical talk show host Stephen Colbert, filed his Republican candidate paperwork in South Carolina this week, while Gingrich pulls out of the Carolinas to avoid confrontation with the self-described, "Master Debater". The pure comedic talent is...
Read full storyBailed suspect in Professor Rawlings RIP 'is a dead ringer for Nippi Singh'
Oxford - The Oxford mathematics professor bailed in the suspicious death of Professor Steven Rawlings, is a 'dead ringer' for former Channel 4 restaurant backer Nippi Singh. Dr Devinder Sivia, 49, bears an uncanny facial similarity to the co-star...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Librarian fined over overdue books
Librarian, Gemma Paddlworth, of Ryde has been fined nearly three thousand pounds in late fees for overdue library books. "It's quite embarrassing," said Gemma, 34 a single mother. "I'm the only librarian at Ryde Library, so when I discovered that...
Read full storyPresident Romney Straps Government Employees To Roof of Air Force One
July 5th, 2013 - Ontario - Showing the same staple crisis management skills he exhibited in 1983 with his Irish Setter, President Romney was caught yesterday trying to strap the entire US Postal Service work force to the roof of Air Force One for the...
Read full storySparks and Mensa reveal spring fashions
Sparks and Mensa, the clothing store for the highbrow high earners have revealed this year's spring fashions. "We've taken the concept of spring," said head designer, Mark Spencer, "and incorporated it into our latest technological clothing." F...
Read full storyMitt Romney Shocked Republicans Don't Like Him
Washington--Mitt Romney seemed shocked that Republicans would attack him for being Republican. "Doesn't the Republican Party stand for unfettered capitalism, large amounts of wealth, and token gestures to the poor and middle class? Because I thou...
Read full storySuggested Reading for Government Ministers for 2012
Right Honourable David Cameron MP (Conservative) Prime Minister, First Lord of the Treasury and Minister for the Civil Service. Recommended Book: The Importance of Being Eton By Nick Fraser. Right Honourable Nick Clegg MP (Liberal Democrat) Deputy Prime Minister, Lord President of the Council. (With special responsibility for political and constitutional reform) Recommended Book: Why V...
Read full storyPresident Obama Is Upset With Vice-President Joe Biden For Making Mother-In-Law Jokes In Front of Michelle's Mama
WASHINGTON D.C. - Word filtering out of the White House is that President Barack Obama is not a happy camper. It seems that the other day during a White House State Dinner in honor of France's First Lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy Vice-President Biden in...
Read full storyTim Tebow Quarterback For The Denver Broncos Thrilled That Sales of John 3:16 Bumper Stickers Have Skyrocketed!
DENVER - One of the most popular quarterbacks in the NFL Tim Tebow has stated that he is just thankful to be lucky enough to be a member of professional football. The Denver Broncos quarterback, who wears number 15, has become a sports hero as he...
Read full storyVeteran Actress Reveals How She Was Petrified By Rubber Bat Puppet In 1946 Universal Studios Vampire Movie
Veteran actress, and coincidentally, seasoned spoof writer, Mathilde de la Mole has revealed how she was petrified to within an inch of her life, as she was attacked by a rubber bat in Universal Studio's 1946 production of 'The Bastard Hungarian Gyps...
Read full storyRomney Chooses Red Bull As His Official Caffeine Based Drink Sponsor
Charleston, South Carolina - The fact that Mitt Romney chose to annoint Red Bull as his official caffeine based drink in this antebellum city is either ironic or reverse Quasimodo. With Spanish moss hanging languidly from ancient oak trees like gree...
Read full storyVet's Practice Challenged by Activists
A veterinarian in Toronto, Ontario is in trouble with animal rights activists for circumcising male puppies. Peter Skinner, who has run his practice for seven years, says there is high demand for the procedure, which is usually performed on Doberman...
Read full story"Pixie Lott Has Stars In Her Eyes" - Sun Pips Daily Mail For Today's Piffle Prize
Daily Mail editors were apparently fuming today, as rival red top rag, The Sun, pipped them for today's Piffle Prize, with a story about Pixie Lott, quoted in the above headline. Thus preventing the Mail from making it a three in a row hat trick.
Read full storyKim Jong-Un wins at the Olympics
In a desperate attempt to impress his new subjects, North Korea's Kim Jong-Un has broadcast the London Olympics to his nation six months early. The Great Successor himself took part in many events, and unsurprisingly, he showed the same amazing sport...
Read full storyCarlos Tevez Enthusiastic About Proposed Burnley Offer
After being rejected by Manchester United, suspended by Manchester City, and snubbed by just about everybody else, controversial striker, Carlos Tevez is allegedly enthusiastic about an offer from Burnley. Who have put in an offer to Manchester Ci...
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