Stephen Colbert Starts Campaign in South Carolina, Gingrich Flees

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Friday, 13 January 2012

image for Stephen Colbert Starts Campaign in South Carolina, Gingrich Flees
Time to leave the Carolinas, Colbert is in town.

Satirical talk show host Stephen Colbert, filed his Republican candidate paperwork in South Carolina this week, while Gingrich pulls out of the Carolinas to avoid confrontation with the self-described, "Master Debater".

The pure comedic talent is looking to bolster his campaign for the Republican nomination any way he can, writing fresh one-liners and spewing zippy epithets towards his competitors at every turn. "And then there's Colbert", says political analyst Jimmy A. Stumpton. "With the comedy stylings of Gingrich out of South Carolina, somebody with real insight and perhaps a full time writing staff can bring some entertainment back to the primaries".

"First of all, the candidate names are a joke. Newt, Mitt, Jon with no 'H'. We're gonna need someone with a normal name like Stephen to beat a Barack", says Willy Maykitt, Republican National Committee volunteer and purveyor of barely drinkable coffee. "That Stephen Colbert is a hoot", says Maykitt. "And, he's kinda funny too".

Stumpton believes the time is right to find someone with the ability to complete a logical thought and a few empathetic sentences without sounding like a complete moron. "Hard to listed to Newt talk about family values, harder to listen to Mitt identify himself with the common man after he contributes $35 million of his own money to his campaign. Give me a Stephen Colbert. We can win with that guy", says Stumpton.

In the first verbal exchange between Colbert and his fellow candidates which occurred quite accidentally outside a local coffee shop, Romney was heard dismissing Colbert by asking what he thought he brought to the table. Colbert was heard to reply, "I'm Stephen Colbert and you're not". While Romney struggled to reply with something unscripted, Colbert added, "By the way, I told the cashier that you'd pick up my tab on the coffee with some of that $35 Mil".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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