Veteran actress, and coincidentally, seasoned spoof writer, Mathilde de la Mole has revealed how she was petrified to within an inch of her life, as she was attacked by a rubber bat in Universal Studio's 1946 production of 'The Bastard Hungarian Gypsy Spawn Of Dracula's Brother' - where she co-starred alongside Hollywood legend, Lon Chaney Junior's Third Cousin, Cletus.
Speaking from her dilapidated Hollywood Hills mansion, Ms de la Mole, 88, related - as she puffed heavily on a cigarette in a fancy holder, whilst reclining on a chaise longue gulping down absinthe, clad in a figure hugging silk kimono:
"I was absolutely bloody pooping my pants! That James Whale - as much as I loved the mischievious old bastard - didn't warn me that in one scene with Lon Chaney Junior's Third Cousin, Cletus, that there would be a rubber bat, on strings, controlled by a puppeteer, swooping around my head, and trying to make a complete mess of my hairdo!"
Veteran Hollywood puppeteer, Gloria Swanson, 211, related that the whole thing was nothing more than an elaborate practical joke, first conceived when de la Mole was contracted to the studio.
"We were led to believe that de la Mole was, in fact, some mad Bolivian army Colonel with a false moustache and a big fedora, but she proved to be the antithesis of what we expected. She was polite, well spoken, and incredibly insane, so we just couldn't resist taking the piss. I'd like to say that after all these years, we regret being so hard on her, but I can't, because basically I'm a sadistic bastard. So we gave her both barrels with the bat puppet. Heh-heh!"
Surviving digitally enhanced footage of the 1946 classic clearly depicts Ms de la Mole's shock and terror as a big rubber bat descends and circles her hairdo in a scene shot in a foggy cemetery.
At night. With a full moon, and possibly a werewolf.
Or at least a few zombies.
"It was horrendous," de la Mole revealed. "Of course, I knew all along that it wasn't a proper bat, and merely a puppet, but to be brutally frank, it was getting on my fucking nerves. It was pathetic really, and it bore zero resemblance to a pipistrelle bat, but the fucking thing threatened to mess up my hairdo. I wasn't having that. I plucked the fucker out of the 'sky' and bit its head off. Like Meatloaf. They fired me after that. So I fucked off and got a proper job. As a philosophy professor at Harvard. Along with a Scouser and a QPR fan. I got a pension as a result of that job, which was infinitely more rewarding than having to shag the Kennedy's. Back and to the left...good film that. Kevin Costcutter was fucking brilliant. Mind you, he was crap in Riverdance - All At Sea."
The highlight of de la Mole's career came in 2012 when she was named Featured Writer on steadily declining website www.thespoof.com
"Oh goody goody gumdrops!" she trilled. "I can share this honour with Uncle Lynton - it's his birthday this week! Happy birthday Uncle Linty! I'll take you out to dinner one night - providing you foot the bill, you cappucino sipping bastard!"
No more as we get it, because this is strictly a one off.
Happy Birthday Lynton and congrats on being FW Mathilde.
Right - get on with it...