Job expert: US must invent new professions to reduce unemployment
New York -- The head of one of the world's top career placement firms has declared that if America is going to solve its unemployment crisis, the nation needs to invent new professions. Samuel P. Vickers, CEO of Placement Professionals, Inc., told...
Read full storyNeglected Local Man Survives For Three Days On Leftovers
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today firmly put his foot down with an iron fist and a rod of chrome vanadium, after being presented with a Chinese takeaway chicken curry for dinner, and half a bag of chips. The reason for this abomination remains unc...
Read full storyMisunderstanding about porn industry shutdown leads to major drunken sprees and hangovers
HARFOLD, Vermont--Upon hearing the news that an HIV-positive adult film performer has shut down the production of pornographic films in California, several male residents in Harfold State College's Looner Hall (otherwise known as "Geek Dorm") plunged...
Read full storyMan-Bra Gains Traction in Southern USA
A new and much-needed fashion trend, the "Man Bra", has been rising in popularity in Southern states including Texas, Mississippi and Alabama. The concept, which encountered initial resistance as being "un-manly", has been aggressively promoted with...
Read full storyIrish traveller refuses to be evicted from Big Brother house.
Irish traveller Paddy Doherty will soon to be told he has "30 minutes to pack his bags and leave the Celebrity Big Brother house." But the star of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding claims he has nowhere to go and has erected chicken wire around the program...
Read full storyMonday Booze To Replace Monday Blues
The government plans to restrict the sale of alcohol to Mondays only. This is in response to widespread evidence that people drink far less alcohol on Mondays compared to any other day of the week. "This 'Mondays only' restriction is a radical ste...
Read full storyGovernment Opposes Jungian Voodoo Herpes Sect Abortion Counseling In Libyan Clinics
The government has issued orders to all Ministers, to oppose any moves to change their long standing Libyan Health Policy proposals in today's vote. The road to parliamentary acceptance of the Coalitions controversial Libyan Reproductive Health propo...
Read full storyPresident Obama Says He Is Tired Of All This Bad Weather And Plans To Vacation Down In Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last weekend it was an ornery lady named Irene who lashed out at the East Coast. This weekend another bitch named Katia looks like she may be following in Hurricane Irene's footsteps, at least according to all of the U.S. Weather S...
Read full storyChinese men hard up
The lack of women in China, due to female infanticide, has meant many Chinese men are hard up as they cannot find wives. In previous years there were noodles of prospective wives but now cow mean has meant the thumbs down for a fair chunk of males...
Read full storyCarnivorous Tortoise Mauls Family Pet In Hamble Le Rice Horror Shocker
Following an exhaustive investigation by researchers from Titchfield University, it can be revealed that the culprit behind the savage mauling of a family's pet dachshund, Wayne, in a Hampshire back garden, has been exposed as the family's pet tortoi...
Read full storyHairy Biker Meets Mystery Blonde In Burger Joint - Stirs Long Dormant Hormones In Worthing
The appearance of a hairy biker straddling a Harley Davidson caused quite a stir in the sleepy seaside resort of Worthing this morning. Eye witnesses stated that the hairy biker parked his machine in the multi-storey car park, and then proceeded on f...
Read full storyBaseball players promise "more spitting"
Major league baseball players promised to do more spitting as the season draws to a close. League spokesman Dirk Ritley said that with the approaching playoff season, fans expect the players' spitting to reach a peak as well. He stated "People tho...
Read full storyWikileaks: News of the World was About to Publish Kate Middleton's Entire Genome
The timing of the sudden closure of embattled publication News of the World was far from random, according to Wikileaks documents stolen from MI5. Had the newspaper lasted one more week the plan was to publish a 178 page special edition containing th...
Read full storyPresident Obama frustrated with President Obama
President Obama admitted this week he was frustrated with President Obama's performance as a president and was beginning to question his decision to vote for him. "I guess when I voted for him I expected change to happen." the President stated...
Read full storyCrocodile Dundee could have been named differently
Crocodile Dundee the iconic Australian film star character could have been imagined very differently. For years, writers tried to combine the name of a reptile with a Scottish town to try to form a successful movie idea, but without success. It w...
Read full storyPenes developed as a spare food supply
Biologists have made strange new discoveries about some of the earliest known fossils, from around 500 million years ago when the male and female sexes were beginning to form. It appears that early penes (or penises) developed rather like a camel's h...
Read full storyBadgers harrass Bank of America
Bank of America has recently experienced several acts of destruction related to badgers, according to Executive Vice President Robert Pethingham Jr. The damage followed the exact same pattern in all cases - photographs of Secretary of the Treasury Ti...
Read full storyMemories of 2050 from 2090
Published in aid of the Outer Peruvian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Society, Nottingham Branch. We have obtained from our Futurist Predictor, Mr I Seeitall, a list of comments passed on to the young of 2090, about the year 2050, for your entertainment, perusal, and education. We hope these revelations will assist you all in your future sospital, and will be soloecal to all. Mr Seei...
Read full storyMadonna's Boy Toy Is 29 Years Younger Than The "Material Granny"
NEW YORK CITY - Madonna is 53-years-old but she apparently does not read birth certificates as she has fallen swelled-head-over calloused heels in love with Brahim Zaibat, a French dancer who is all of 24. Ling Chow Rangoon of iRumors commented th...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie Angrily Asserts That The Photos of Her Sitting On Mel Gibson's Lap Are Photoshopped
MADRID - Angelina Jolie recently managed to get away for a few days and flew from her hometown of Provence, France to Madrid, Spain. She told Brad (Pitt) that she needed some alone time away from him and the half dozen kids because she did not wan...
Read full storyRioting Youths Deemed Too Employable By Department For Work And Pensions
The Honorable Symian Rench'Fister O.B.E, D.C.O, G.I.T, Senior Secretary at the Department for Works and Pensions. Broke away from official governmental policy today. Stating at a press conference, that the recent spate of civil disorder in Britain ha...
Read full storySmartAss GPS gives men experience that their bitchy wives are along for the ride
HARFOLD, Vermont--Some men can't submit reports to their boss until the last minute of a deadline. Others won't turn in their tax forms until 11:55 p.m. on April 15. Similarly, many a man can't follow street directions unless they're being berated wi...
Read full storyGobshite Index Trading Set To Replace Bond Market
A leaked report from Number 11 Downing street has revealed the frightening level of institutionally sanctioned incompetence, and superficiality in the current coalition government. Heinz Skimpton Cheeck'Flailer C.E.O of SUCCUBI Assured Investments P...
Read full storyHorses worship bestiality man
A small cult of horses have begun to worship a horse messiah, who in their eyes is a man who worked in the horse-pleasuring industry and who died for his sins. Mr Hands is a disgusting man who, let us say, enjoyed the company of horses, perhaps a...
Read full storyFormer President Carter Sues President Obama
Plains GA: Former President James Carter has filed a defamation of character civil action lawsuit against President Barack Obama in Georgia State Court. The complaint by the former president alleges that he can't walk down a street in Plains witho...
Read full storyRose West To Publish New Cook Book
Britain's most notorious female serial killer, Rose West, is reportedly about to publish a cookbook, according to a prison service source . West was sentenced to life in prison in 1995, having been convicted on ten counts of murder and various dodgy...
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