Written by IainB

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

image for Goal Celebration School ahead of World Cup
The Kidnap Victim was a classic until unscrupulous players used it to advertise Tattoo Palors on their chest

With goal celebrations becoming ever more complicated, Trent Training, based in Tyneside, have set up a new training regime for professional players to teach them new goal celebrations.

"Obviously," said Trent Training Teaching Co-Ordinator, Alan Allen, "we'll teach the classics. How to do an Elvis on the corner flag, how to rock the baby and how to slide for twenty yards on the chest. Additionally we'll be teaching bespoke future classics, such as the Typist, the Archer and the Conga."

According to Trent Teaching in Tyneside, the secret to a good goal celebration is synchronisation.

"You need several people all doing the same celebration," said Allen. "Rocking the baby on your own looks a bit sad, but with five of you, then it's a celebration of both a goal and the birth of a team mates baby. Group celebrations is even more important for such celebrations as The Conga and Bobsled. The Conga on your own is a man walking, and the Bobsled is a man sitting and falling over without at least two footballers. And it's impossible to do the Archer without team mates falling over when they get show with an arrow."

A good goal celebration can make or break a players career. Roger Miller will never be remembered for his thirty-five screamer into the top corner against Denmark; he will be remembered for running to the corner flag and inventing the Elvis goal-celebration.

"The biggest problem in modern football is the badly conceived celebration," Allen said. "The out of synch, the forgotten steps, it makes the whole after goal party look amateurish. It's not what the spectators are looking for. They want good choreography, originality and wit."

Gary Neville, a former footballer with Manchester United, famed across the world for his goal celebrations despite never having scored a professional goal, will be one of the teachers on the new course.

"It will be brilliant," said Neville in a monotone. "The lads will all chip in like, and I'll be at the right place at the right time."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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