Women to put Condoms on Cucumbers
The relationship between humans and vegetables is a long and complex one. As many as 1 in 5 cucumbers are purchased for use not as food but as a sex toy. A fact that was possibly the best kept secret of the cucumber industry. However, the e-coli o...
Read full storyI didn't have sexual relations with that cucumber
A man in Spain is receiving treatment in hospital after an angry mob of Cucumber farmers descended on his home and forced him to move out of the village. Local Farmers accuse Hector Julio Fernandez of contaminating their cucumber stock with e-coli...
Read full story"Sepp Blatter And Colonel Gaddafi Are Same Person" Claim Sensation
After Sepp Blatter's "Crisis, What Crisis ?" press conference in Zurich last night, an increasing number of commentators are suggesting that the FIFA president and the Libyan leader Colonel Gaddafi are one and the same person. There are certainly...
Read full storyFormer Major League Baseball Pitcher Patents: "The Home Run Pitch"
In a shocking move, former major league baseball pitcher, Jamie Moyer, who has let up more home runs in his career (511) than any pitcher in the history of the game, has announced that he has patented the "home run pitch". The Patent number is 867...
Read full storyMore Stars Of Silent Radio
It is time once more to pay tribute to the stars of silent radio, those heroic pioneers who blazed the trail for all who followed. Indeed, it could be said that, without these trail-blazers, today's all-singing all-dancing radio would simply not be what it is. We are revisiting again those far-off days before modern full-colour, sound radio, when "digital broadcasting" meant splendid performers...
Read full storyEarthquakes Felt Around Austin
Austin, Texas - Slight earthquakes were felt all around Austin in recent weeks as Governor Rick Perry thought about running for President. While Perry himself is non-committal on the issue, he has some apparent fans in the Texas Hispanic Republican...
Read full storyDiscovery of Morton's Toe Mystery Deepens as Rest of Morton Discovered in Portsmouth Wheelie Bin!
Scotland Yard continues to press a recent murder mystery whilst remaining mum after what was alternately described as a parrot or an albatross was seen to drop what turned out to be the second toe of missing spoof writer Dudley Morton. Morton had...
Read full storyIceland volcanoes on high alert for Wednesday's apocalyptic solar eclipse
Reykjavik - "As seismological blow jobs go this one's the biggie," astrologers are warning about Wednesday's occultation. "Think 'Vesuvius' plus 10,000 years' worth of seismic celibacy!" A dozen Icelandic volcanoes may be affected as the eclips...
Read full storyInterview with Michael Gove MP - Minister of State for Education
Michael Gove was born in Edinburgh in 1967 and brought up in Aberdeen. Educated in England and Scotland, in the independent sectors, where he had to suffer his 'Fags' waking him up with breakfast, before they cleaned his shoes each morning. Michael is married to Sarah Vine, who is a leader writer at The Times, and they have one daughter, Beatrice, and a son, William, who was born at Frimley Par...
Read full storyAl-Qaeda E-Coli cucumber attack on Europe!
Al Qaeda promised revenge after Bin Laden's execution and the first wave of attacks on European soil has hit Germany in the form of a cucumber! The cucumbers were produced in Spain by immigrant women from Islamic countries, it was easy to spot the...
Read full storySarah Palin Proposes Mandatory Helmets for All Americans, All of the Time
Undeclared Republican presidential candidate Sarah Palin today asked Congress to replace Social Security, Medicare and other entitlements with a program that would provide a hardshell helmet for every man, woman and child in America. "It's time to...
Read full storySir Alex Fancies Scotland Job
Sir Alex Ferguson, still reeling from Man Utd's humiliating defeat at the hands of Barcelona in the Chamipons League Final, has thrown his hat into the ring for the Scotland manager's job, currently held by Craig Levein. Sir Alex, who was offered...
Read full storyQatar in the gutter
Doha - Shifty shaikhs feted by the Queen have denied FIFA bungs got them the World Cup. "We'd never dream of doshing up football's governing body," the head of Qatar Photocall - er...Protocol! - said today. "We just followed trusty diplomatic p...
Read full storyUK Fire and Ambulance service to stop attending emergencies
In a shock statement issued today by the UK Fire and Ambulance service, union representatives have decided that its members will no longer be able to attend emergencies, unless they are of a very minor nature. The Fire Brigade is being prevented f...
Read full storyBarnsley Swearing Police On Patrol
Get caught swearing in Barnsley from next month and you could face a fine of £80. People will be asked to report anyone causing offence or intimidation by the use of bad language. The fines process follows discussions between South Yorkshire Po...
Read full storyCadbury's to sue Naomi Campbell
It has been revealed that the recent advertisement for Cadbury's Bliss chocolate containing the strap-line "Move over Naomi there's a new diva in town" was not withdrawn because the model Naomi Campbell was annoyed. A spokesman for the chocolate c...
Read full storySnakes explain Chef's language
King Cobra's are a delicacy in Vietnam and celebrity chef, Ruddy Gore, on a recent visit, ate a King Cobra. Cobras are renowned as venomous. They spit and curse in a language only Slitherers can understand. The only trouble is that the effect of t...
Read full storyArctic Monkeys At Centre Of Govt Clampdown On Rock Names
Popular rockers the Arctic Monkeys are to be the first target of an investigation into the names of rock and pop groups. Tory MP Gilbert Luncheon will head a special committee with powers to question musicians and prosecute any they find have misl...
Read full storyCadbury In Dock Over Advertising Campaign
Female singers all over the world are considering taking legal action against Cadbury after a chocolate advertising campaign described super model Naomi Campbell was a "diva". The ad for chocolate bar Bliss says "Move Over, Naomi, There's A New Di...
Read full storyArctic Nations Attend Major Conference
Representatives of Arctic states have met in Greenland to discuss how bloody cold it always is. Ministers from Finland, Russia, Greenland, Iceland, Canada, Denmark, Sweden and Norway talked for 3 days along with indigenous inhabitants of the regio...
Read full storyObama Reaffirms Ties With Poland
US President Barack Obama has ended his shirt European tour with a visit to Poland. Obama went to visit his ancestral home in Slomnaki, just outside Krakow in the South of the country. The President's first port of call was to the local pub where...
Read full storyGlee Scandal: Gwyneth Paltrow Denies The Romantic Risqué Rumors About Her And Co-Star Matthew Morrison
LOS ANGELES - The Tinsel Town rumor mills have been working overtime. Gwyneth Paltrow was to have gone on tour with Glee's Matthew Morrison as his opening act, but reports coming out of Hollywood are that those plans have now changed. Taffeta...
Read full storyThe California Maids Union Is Thinking About Filing A Lawsuit Against Arnold Schwarzenegger
POMONA - As if she isn't embarrassed enough already Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid, Mildred Patricia "Patty Cake" Baena, the most famous maid since Hazel may now be called to testify in court if the California Maids Union decides to file a lawsuit agai...
Read full storyUnited States to Develop Own Exploding Melons
Washington, D.C - Caught with it's pants down for the sixth time in so many decades, the United States is set to develop it's own exploding melons in a desperate arms race which the communist Chinese are already winning. An embarrassed President O...
Read full storyPark wasn't the normal Terrier for Man United in the Euro final
The Champions league final has been and gone for another year, but if certain factors had happened, it could have been a very different result. On Saturday Barcelona showed their true colours by outclassing a sorry looking Manchester United. On...
Read full storyDallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo Has Just Scored An Off-Season Touchdown By Marrying The Beautiful Candice Crawford
ARLINGTON, Texas - April saw the Royal Wedding take place in London, England between Prince William and Kate Middleton. And now May has seen the Cowboy Wedding take place in Arlington, Texas between Tony Romo and Candice Crawford. Romo, of the...
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