Washington, D.C - Caught with it's pants down for the sixth time in so many decades, the United States is set to develop it's own exploding melons in a desperate arms race which the communist Chinese are already winning.
An embarrassed President Obama spoke before a joint session of Congress promising that "The United States will develop exploding melons in this decade! Not because it is the easy thing to do but because it is the right thing to do!"
The Exploding Melon Act of 2011, however, is stalled in the deadlocked 112th session of Congress. Republicans want the exploding melon program to be self-funded. Democrats fear that the United States could lose out to the Chinese "if we don't develop exploding melons, no matter what the cost."
Critics, both inside and outside of government, question the need for exploding melons, the cost of exploding melons, and whether or not some viable vegetable alternatives exist. When asked why there were no exploding tomatoes, Secretary of Defense, Dr. Robert M. Gates calmly explained, "Speed is of the essence. We have no time to play ketchup!"
