Former Major League Baseball Pitcher Patents: "The Home Run Pitch"

Funny story written by mikewadestr

Monday, 30 May 2011


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In a shocking move, former major league baseball pitcher, Jamie Moyer, who has let up more home runs in his career (511) than any pitcher in the history of the game, has announced that he has patented the "home run pitch".

The Patent number is 867-5309.

Speaking to the press, Jamie Moyer had the following to say:

"You know, in the 24 years that I played professional ball, I never used performance enhancing drugs and yet, it has been disclosed to me and others, that so many of the 'great' major league players that played during my tenure did. They all broke tons of records, gained notoriety and made a whole lot more money than I ever did".

"For years this really pissed me off. I mean, shouldn't I be rewarded for performing an honest achievement by playing the game honestly?"

"Geez, look at Roger Clemons, who rhymes with lemons, who got seven Cy Young awards while being juiced and yet I got none for throwing all those home runs for just being me. Then again, look at Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire, honestly, they were more juiced than a steroid laden bull. Hell, how many home runs did they hit off me? 500? Hell, Mark Mark Mcgwire can't even get the Irish part right. It should be Mark Maguire. What part of Staten Island did his family come to?"

"Look at me and how I looked throughout my career! I always was one skinny fuck. You cannot tell me that I used performance enhancing drugs. If I did, I really got ripped off".

"I felt that it was time to make amends, so that is why I decided to patent the home run pitch. Now every pitcher from the major leagues on down to peewee ball has to give me royalties whenever they let up a home run".

Major League Baseball Commissioner, Bud Selig, who as Commissioner is supposed to be a mediator between the players and the owners, who, also, owns the Milwaukee Brewers (you go figure) has announced that any player who gives up a home run will be responsible for the royalty payments to Jamie Moyer.

"It's their fault", screamed an exasperated Selig. "If the players don't like it I'm going to cancel the season. As a matter of fact, if they don't like it, I'm going to cancel my Gold Card Membership to Pabst Blue Ribbon. As a matter of fact, I'm even going to cancel my US citizenship, as a matter of fact, I'm going cancel breathing".

Strangely enough, all baseball fans would really be happy if Bud Selig just canceled himself.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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