Undeclared Republican presidential candidate Sarah Palin today asked Congress to replace Social Security, Medicare and other entitlements with a program that would provide a hardshell helmet for every man, woman and child in America.
"It's time to replace the safety net with the safety hat," Palin declared. "Tsunamis, oil spills, tornadoes, hurricanes, the liberal news media, nuclear accidents… The world is full of disasters. Why just yesterday, I had a meltdown. So people, cover up your noggins, and while you're at it cover your eyes and ears too."
The former Alaskan governor's campaign has already developed a prototype of the helmet, which Palin has dubbed the Liberty Lid. "We designed it in black, so no one can call me a racist any more, and we've lined it with a thick layer of tin foil to keep those pesky UFO transmissions from entering our brains."
The Liberty Lid proposal is part of Sarah Palin's Personal Protection Plan, which also calls for equipping every American with a sawed-off shotgun, a case of canned salmon and a gallon of buttermilk. "We believe Americans are capable of taking care of themselves," Palin said. "All they need are the right supplies."
Initially, it was thought that the Palin plan would save trillions by eliminating all government entitlement and relief programs. Then it was announced that the Halliburton Corporation will be serving as sole supplier to the program. "Unfortunately, instead of reducing the deficit, this program will cause it to rise," Palin said. "Personal freedom and protection comes at a high cost. And so does my presidential campaign. That is, if I was running for president."