The Tragedy of Little Johnny Lamart

Funny story written by mikewadestr

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

This is the sad and tragic story of little Johnny Lamart
Who was thrown into a murtle pit for being a tad too smart
By the grand officialdom of a South Bumbledom Bloatus
Who warranted his arrest with a thousand page notice.

The notice was laid out in fine beadledom jargon
And printed up special by a swindler named Marvin
On strips of flypaper that stretched from the nose to the chin,
with each one commanding, the price of ten gallons of gin.

Because all the charges were exceptionally heavy
A pants zipper tax the dim council did levy
to continue to garner officialdom merriment and mirth
and keep the city's budget at a very enormous girth

Johnny became autodidactic so he could broaden his mind
Violating the school board administrator's guiding line
Which she was clear in stating the school curriculum's terms
For each student to be no smarter than a bucket of worms

The board's policies were policed by the union dictator slammer
Who kept order by wielding an autocratic persuasion hammer
Which she smashed upon Johnny's head to send him a'reeling
Claiming his intelligence had badly hurt her feelings.

Outside the city murtle pit everyone gathered for the trial
gambling away their jurisprudence to pass away the while
On a sopped roulette wheel laced in death and despair
Hoping to win a solution to put an end to the city's despair

You see, Bumbledom Bloatus' problems were anything but little
The city was infested with the wild and dangerous whittle
Who ran about town toting loaded guns and singing violent puns
Playing the role of the victim while victimizing everyone

The Murtles were employed to stay the whittle infestation
Their ranks increased by the queen without hesitation
With each murtle requiring the use of a whittle proof shell
Which, was needed to keep them from being blown all to hell

The murtles arrested the whittles in no time flat
Only to watch them walk free with the help of the recreant rat
Who made a luxurious living from defending such slime,
Convincing the judges to release them with a minimal fine

The recreant rat is the lowest rat that anyone could approach
So degenerate, he is even snubbed by the upper class roach
Spending his entire youth worshipping the idol of avarice
Collecting victims he will charge ten thousand bags of rice

The judge could always find pity for the dangerous whittle
Raised by the mother in a world that had the father belittled
By giving more to those who were of the father without
Giving credence to the phrase 'just throw the lout out'

From the released whittles' actions the judge never need worry
Though their killing and mugging they resumed in a hurry
At the expense of the populace which occupied their hood
Far way away from the judge's quiet and safe neighborhood

The murtles' anger at the site of no whittle incarceration
Was soon alleviated by profiting from their brutalization
But not all the murtles were anywhere near this bad
For some it depended on the type of day that they had.

Johnny's trial brought a break from the city's daily turmoil
A holiday was declared for all to come and see Johnny boil
For violating the latest nonsensical educational theory
He would be shot and burned and punished most severely

At the murtle pit the gambling suddenly came to an end
At the sight of a large flat bedded truck rounding the bend
Carrying on top of it one very large whittle proof box
Which, housed the queen and an extra pair of clean blue socks

No sooner had the truck driver stopped in front of an expired meter
Than he was cited by a ticket writer for being a time cheater
And when the driver stepped out to protest his bad luck
He was quickly booted by the writer along with his truck

The top of the whittle box flew open and out popped the queen
On a long coiled metal spring dressed in yellow and green
Bobbing to and fro she squawked out with a smile
'get a move ye lotus-eaters, let's get on with the trial'

So the trial began when the bailiff shouted out his part
'the city of South Bumbledom Bloatus versus Johnny Lamart
'All rise now for the entrance of grand judge Sir Briberson
Who has set Johnny's odds of winning at ten thousand to one'

While the spectators were busy laying their money down
A court appointed attorney for Johnny could not be found
For no recreant rat would defend one with pockets so small
After much cajoling it was a fatuous dog that answered the call

Hungrily lapping up his scraps of fruitless and stale litigation
The dog began setting up a defense in a most preposterous fashion
He first opened his briefcase and took out a large noose
Followed next with a cooking pan holding one big basted goose

Johnny asked the dog politely if he thought they could win
Slipping the noose on Johnny's neck the dog replied with a grin
"I've followed your case closely by reading all of the press
They say that you are guilty and of your crimes should confess'

'So it's best that you plead guilty of a much lesser crime
Like murder or robbery so you won't serve that much time
Because injuring the feelings of an officialdom member
Can result in your being turned into a lobotomized ember

When asked what charges from Johnny's interrogation
The officialdom's prosecuting jellyfish replied: "Mental Humiliation,
Of the school union's dictator who was subjectively raped
When her advice, the defendant Johnny Lamart refused to partake

When asked how Johnny pleads, the dog replied with a frown
'Your honor my client is only guilty of being a clown
For killing three people of the lay with a large metal axe
When he heard them complain about paying the high city tax'

The judge was taken aback, while the court attendees applauded
Shouting out, 'Johnny is a hero who should be fully lauded
For protecting the officialdom livelihood by insuring our rents
And ridding our unfair city of such blighted malcontents'

To celebrate the city's victory, the judge lit up a cigar
And blew out large smoke rings with both spunk and vigor
While Johnny was being hoisted on the crowds with glee
A large head floated above the judge for all to see.

The head was that of the Reverend Justa-A-Nother Jackson
A power hungry and greedy noggin which craved media action
He shouted to the press cameras, 'Hey, take a good look at me
And spun wildly about a smoke ring while crying out WHEEEE!'

After several good spins with all the press taking notice
He cried out, 'Ye selfish people of South Bumbledom Bloatus
It's time to finally put an end to our suffering and misery
And rid ourselves of anyone who is more revered than me'.

For each word that it spoke the head grew a half size larger
While the voices of its followers grew two sizes smaller
Until it managed to convince them that Johnny was bad
And locking him up in the murtle pit would make them feel glad.

They locked Johnny up and sentenced him to life
And cut out his tongue with a dull rusty knife
They had a demented surgeon remove his brain
So that Johnny would never cause them any more pain

This is how the story of little Johnny LaMart ends
He died in his cell the next day, they say from the bends
The officialdom of South Bumbledom Bloatus remains the same
When the going gets tough, they find someone else to blame.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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