America's Film Industry Happy at UN Airstrike
LOS ANGELES & WASHINGTON, D.C. - After news emerged that Allied forces had fired rockets at loyalist forces, the film industry are hoping that it all bodes well. "Think about it," said Chumpy McChumpson, "We make a trillion war movies. If we m...
Read full storyHAARP caused Japan earthquake and now Moon to be closer than ever
Government sources have acknowledged that the HAARP project, based in Alaska, was the source behind Japan's deadly earthquake which triggered a tsunami. But that is not the only thing that's worrying Japan right now. As it seems, tonight the Moon wil...
Read full storyCharlie Sheen To Replace Sarah Palin As Barack Obama's Dream Ticket - Charlie "Torpedo of Truth' Sheen is favoured by Americans over the vacuous Sarah Palin
In a new poll, Americans have voted to nominate Charlie Sheen over Sarah Palin. The popular star of "Two and a Half Men" is much preferred by American voters over Sarah Palin who they view as 'untrustworthy' and 'kooky'. Sheen has seen a huge sur...
Read full storyKing of Bahrain turns down 'naff' royal nuptials invite
London - His Westminster Abbey North Transept seat between Brunei's Prince Jefri Archer and a heavily pregnant Victoria Beckham will now be auctioned off for charity. "Or may be allocated to some other pesky despot," the Palace's Lord Chamberlain...
Read full storyWaffle iron claims family of ten
Allentown, PA - A family of ten in central Allentown is deceased due to a waffle iron left plugged in. According to Constable Finass of Allentown, the Schinerkraut family all died due to a deadly combination of deadly neural-toxins. Mrs. Schiner...
Read full storySpooky equinoctial death of Knut the bi-polar bear
Germany - The four year-old polar fluffball died mysteriously in his Berlin Zoo compound just hours before the Vernal Equinox. The heartbreaking demise has shocked zoo officials, some of whom are still reeling from the unexpected sudden death of h...
Read full storyGilbert Gottfried Signs To Do The Sound Effects For The Next 'Jackass' Movie
WEST COVINA, California - Gilbert Gottfried can still not believe how utterly stupid he was to have ever made the mean and cruel remarks that he made regarding the victims of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. He reportedly conveyed that to his...
Read full storySupermoon Responsible for Above-Average Bowling Scores
The full moon of March 19th, being touted as the 'supermoon' due to its increased size and brightness is having an effect on the bowling scores of millions of bowlers across America. Once average and sub-average bowlers are now scoring above 250 and...
Read full storyTroubled reactors to be exploded intentionally
Tokyo - The IAEC announced to a small group of Japanese officials that the Fukushimo power plant will have to be totally destroyed by a nuclear blast from a hydrogen bomb. An anonymous Japanese official went to to say that all other options were con...
Read full story"Dancing With The Stars" to Begin Again Monday; Riots Ensue
LOS ANGELES, CA - ABC's fading warhorse, "Dancing With The Stars," is set to premier yet again Monday night, March 21st, setting off raging protests across the country, as citizens try to cope with the horror of yet another long season of has-beens o...
Read full storyBaked Beans Finally Catch On In France
UK baked bean producers are reportedly "ecstatic" about an unprecedented surge in popularity in France and are taking steps to dramatically increase the production figures for the humble haricot in tomato sauce. In a tin. The French have a history...
Read full storyJoe Jonas and Ashley Greene Throw In The Towel
VENICE BEACH - Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene, who had been a couple since June of last year have reportedly called it quits. The couple was recently seen relaxing down at Venice Beach and an unnamed beach goer stated to a reporter for Bedroom Pillow...
Read full storyVirgin Mary appears on Virgo supermoon
South Coast - The Woman of the Apocalypse image straight out of the Book of Revelation (12:1-18) has appeared on the face of the gigantic full moon. Bearing all the hallmarks of Biblical prophecy the Lunar Madonna's sighting fulfills an ancient p...
Read full storyScott Walker Spends Taxpayer Dollars to Defend Lawsuit
In the beginning, the Governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker, said that in order to balance the budget, the State was going to have to do away with collective bargaining rights for some of its public workers, most notably, teachers. Thus began a battle that included an exodus of Democratic senators from the state in an effort to keep the bill from becoming law and daily protests by tens of thousands...
Read full storyCouncil makes "one-way" ruling on country footpaths
In a move guaranteed to inconvenience and infuriate dog walkers, ramblers, off-road cyclists, joggers, and horse riders alike, Cornwall County Council has today announced plans to restrict the use of all footpaths and BOAT's (Byeways Open to All Traf...
Read full storySpurs And West Ham Draw The Game Of Bale's Trollies!
Was there to be any bad blood after West Ham's victory in the race to be the owners of the Olympic Stadium after the 2012 games? Nope. It was a committed game with a handful of bookings, but there was nothing to suggest that these lads gave a m...
Read full storyGuy Making Japan Jokes Beaten Up
BIRMINGHAM, ENG. & TOKYO - As the aftermath of the Japan earthquake/tsunami is re-assessed, one week one, one giant asshole has been brutally attacked for making stupid jokes. Robert Smith, 16, is a prolific 'joker' who has made jokes about wo...
Read full storyCandle Shortage Next Big Crisis on Horizon
People all over the world are becoming increasingly worried about an imminent energy crisis. As a result, they are buying candles by the billions. Candle stores from Albuquerque to Zurich are selling out faster than they can make them. Wholesale dist...
Read full storyShocker: Real Charlie Sheen Comes Out from Hiding!
LOS ANGELES & PAULO BAY, CA - After allegations of drug abuse, binge drinking, and other major offences, the real Charlie Sheen has come out of hiding, denouncing the impostor. Where was he? According to sources, Sheen left the high-flying lif...
Read full storySpoofer Annoyed on Census Day At Friends' Appearance
BIRMINGHAM, ENG. - As Census Day is 'celebrated' in the UK by the filling in of a 750g booklet, Inhopeless was relishing the task. That is - until all seventeen of his friends came around for tea. Inhopeless, who was given the duties of filling...
Read full storyLady Thatcher's Sterilisation Operation
Former British Premier, Margaret Thatcher agreed to undergo a sterilisation operation to raise funds for BBC's 'Comic Relief' it was stated last night. The operation, which will take place on Monday afternoon at 4.30pm, will be carried out on Mark T...
Read full storyObama to visit Rio
President Obama is to pay a visit to Former England captain Rio Ferdinand,so he can get a first hand account of the conflict between Rio and Fabio Capello, the England manager. 'Before we have a UN resolution on this matter' Obama announced 'I wan...
Read full storySix Nations Showdown Day: Retailers On The Brink
Will England win the Grand Slam or will the Irish spoil the party? Can the Welsh triumph in France and sneak the title? Italy to beat he Scots anyone? Can retailers survive seven hours of fully-televised Six Nations rugby union? The shopping...
Read full storySaturday Kitchen? Masterchef? We're Food Dumbies.
We may love our Saturday Kitchen and Masterchef but we're a complete bunch of thickies in the UK when it comes to food knowledge. According to a survey, 17 per cent of meat eaters believe that pork wings are a real cut of meat. Almost a quarter o...
Read full storyRobert Plant the 'grand old man of rock 'n roll' will do gig at Kate Moss's July Wedding
Fevered speculation of going on about the July wedding of Kate Moss and Jamie Hince. Kate has asked pal Robert Plant to perform at her wedding; he doesn't want to let down a mate. Kate has seriously gone overboard with her wedding plans and is determined to out shine Liz Hurley's Indian wedding. She also wants her nuptials to eclipse the 'boring' wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.
Read full storySarah Palin Picks The Green Bay Packers To Repeat As Champs in The "March Madness" NCAA Basketball Tournament
WASILLA, Alaska - Sarah Louise Palin, the former governor of Alaska and mother to the third best dancer in the entire United States, Bristol "The Pistol" Palin was recently asked by a reporter for Sports Territory Magazine who she had picked to win the NCAA "March Madness" Tournament. The ex-future mother-in-law of the next mayor of Wasilla Levi Johnston, paused for a moment. She looked out her...
Read full storyColonel Moammar Gadhafi Asks For A 'Cease Fire' During The NCAA's "March Madness" - Promises To Revert To "Ordinary Madness" In April
TRIPOLI, Libya - Colonel Moammar Gadhafi has asked for a temporary "Cease Fire" in the on going national lawless uprisings which have resulted in tumultuous turmoil throughout the country of Libya. According to Sports Territory Magazine, Colonel Gadhafi is one of the biggest U.S. collegiate basketball fans anywhere outside of the continental United States. The 68-year-old dictator has seen e...
Read full storySimon Cowell Has Told Cheryl Cole He Wants Lindsay Lohan To Be An "X-Factor" Judge So Bad He Can Taste Her (Ah Make That Taste It)
HOLLYWOOD - Simon Cowell the CEO of 19th Hole Productions, which owns American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Britain's Got Talent, England's X-Factor, and The Stand Up Comedians Rehab has expressed to Cheryl Cole that he would love to have Lindsa...
Read full storyPremiership Players' Nicknames
Dressing rooms (whether the clubs that use them are amateur or professional level) are traditionally one of the most fertile environments for nicknames. And, just because some of the journeymen in the English Premiership are earning fortunes in excess of £500,000 per year, that doesn't mean that the naming of players (other than what appears on their birth certificate) is any less common a fea...
Read full storyPolitical Correctness In Football - No. 123 (c)
Continuing our series of features on how to avoid using politically incorrect expressions in the world of football. "The Manager has had to tinker with the defence" An all-too-common practice in the pressure cooker that is the premier league, this seemingly innocuous statement has also been blacklisted, sorry outlawed as being demeaning to travelling people. "The Manager's changed to a...
Read full storyOld Firm Fans Multi Cultural Shock
An expert on Arab affairs has cast doubt on one of the most commonly held perceptions of Old Firm fans held by supporters of provincial clubs. Al Akhbar El-Farsa , Professor of Middle East Studies at the London School of Economics, has published a...
Read full storyLessons On How To Snowboard Entirely The Wrong Way.
Here ladies and gentlemen is the ultimate beginners snowboarding guide "How To Snowboard the Rfreed Way!" Alright! This is for those of you who hate the cold, hate putting on piles of clothing and hate rocketing yourself off a mountain because you know that it can kill you. In other words, you are SMART!! Despite that you have to look cool to your friends, so let's get on with it: The firs...
Read full storyPacifists protest Libya war
A group of Guardian readers, hippies, and Neville Chamberlain fans have gathered together in London tonight to protest against UN-sanctioned attacks on Libya. "Not in our name," they whine. One protester spoke, "It's just like Iraq. On one side you have an insane dictator, and on the other side it's the same old evil capitalists. Obviously the only reason they're going for Libya is because it's...
Read full storyFuck The Royal Wedding campaign reaches the Vatican
Rome - The Pope has said he's boycotting the royal wedding because nobody's invited him to Prince William's stag night. Under normal arrangements His Holiness would have expected to anoint the future bridegroom with a quart bottle of creme de ment...
Read full storyManchester City Boss Mancini To Drop Balotelli
City boss Roberto Mancini is set to drop star striker Mario Balotelli ahead of Sunday's crucial tussle with Chelsea. The hot-blooded striker has had discipline problems since he arrived at the Eastlands club and these came to a head in the week wh...
Read full storyMan Utd "Down To Bare Bones" - Bobby Charlton Returns?
Manchester United face the prospect of taking on Bolton Wanderers at Old Trafford this afternoon with a bunch of unknowns - except for one famous face: Bobby Charlton. The Red Devils will be without at least 11 injured players and are having diffi...
Read full story