Future News: Republicons to Fire Teachers, Firefighters, Public Sector Workers
(Published 2013) CYBERTRON, D.C. - After a landslide 'victory' last year by the Republicons - a partnership between the Decepticons and the GOP - has renamed the capital and several large cities after Decepticons, including Megatronica (former New Yo...
Read full storyEcuadorean sabotage suspected at Chevron Pembroke blast
Wales - Of course there have been no actual sightings of a vampire-masked Steven Donziger - or Karen Hinton - skulking in the shadows by the Welsh site. But the former Texaco refinery was the scene of a dramatic blast on Thursday evening amid sus...
Read full storyPippa to host Groping In The Dark
Following her astounding success as the most attractive hanger-on of the Royal Family, Miss Pippa Middle-tiny-bottom has been announced as the hottest new talent on the TV hosting scene for experimental series Groping in the Dark. Following in the...
Read full storyMichael Jackson's statue to be new Fulham manager
The statue of Michael Jackson is poised to become the new manager at Craven Cottage. Fulham owner Mohamed Al Fayed has been locked in talks with the statue all day and has finally got his man. The 'mover and shaker' Al Fayed has told reporters...
Read full storyDundee United Fans Help Out Club
Dundee United fans have volunteered to do work at their ground in an attempt to save the club money. The Tangerine supporters have followed the lead from their rivals across the road - Dundee , who only recently came out of their second period of...
Read full storyNational Lottery Plans Announced
Reinhold Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, recently revealed that plans are being formulated to conduct a National Republican Lottery sometime in August. It will be conducted similar to the Selective Training and Serv...
Read full storyBritish court officials rated low on intelligence scale
After the recent case of, Carol Clarke, a mentally ill patient who suffers from delusions and suicidal thoughts, it has been determined by the Parliamentary Assembly of the Council of Europe (PACE) that British court officials and British law makers...
Read full storyNew Cauliflower mutant
A mutant Cauliflower is striking fear and horror into every section of the community. 'This is a new type of cauliflower' said Prof Dumble 'it can walk and jump at you when you are not looking!' This dreadful being grasps your stomach and turn...
Read full storyEx-OSU Head Coach Tressel Now At Walmart
Jim Tressel, the maligned ex head coach at Da Ohio State University in Columbus, Ohio was recently spotted working as a greeter in a Walmart in Ann Arbor, Michigan. A clause in his contract stipulated that each person entering the store be greeted...
Read full storyLansley Sent to Care Home
Health Minister Andrew Lansley has been sent to a Care Home to consider the risk of his not being able to privatise the Health Service. Staff trained in the gentle art of persuasion will be attempting to get Lansley's Bill into shape. We have b...
Read full storyIrish Mechanic fixes The Spare Beast
Following weeks of speculation from literally tens of people, Irish mechanic Sheamus Obama reports that he has finally fixed US presidential protection party vehicle "The Beastie Boy" after taking it to pieces with a toothpick and barrel of Guinness.
Read full storyCheap beer offer causes supermarket stampedes in Scotland!
The Scottish renowned for their tight-fistedness hit the jackpot yesterday after Tesco slashed the prices of their Stella Artois lagers. Instead of the normal price of three boxes for 20GBP they were going through the tills at 11GBP, a slight comp...
Read full storyCucumber Battle Rages but Give Peas a Chance
In response to the current E-Coli tainting of fresh vegetables across Europe, American Snap Pea producers with bumper crops are offering to ship much of their freshly picked surplus to Europe. "They're great sources of vitamins A and C, with a tou...
Read full storyGOP Replaces Elephant with Albatross!
There were just a few reporters this morning at the Republican congressional caucus as very little news was expected out of the meeting. Mostly, it was to be an award presentation from the Tea Party caucus to all GOP Senators and Congressman. Everyon...
Read full storyMass Recall As 'The Hunchback Of Notre Dame' To Be Retitled
'The Hunchback Of Notre Dame' is to be re-named, causing a public outburst of anger amongst fans of the world renowned literary masterpiece. Council officials in the UK began the campaign for change in 2009, and the protest soon gathered pace, as...
Read full storyE. Coli Outbreak Kills Millions, Trillions, Quadrillions
GENEZA, SWITZ. - The World Health Organisation (WHO) have declared the E.Coli strain found in cucumbers to be 'some new crazy shit'. Already, tabloid papers have reported deaths in European countries to have reached the millions that they foresaw,...
Read full storyMan 'with cucumber strapped to leg' arrested in Watford 'bomb' siege
Watford - Terrified bank customers dialled 999 this morning amid fears a 12-inch cucumber strapped to a man's leg was 'an improvised explosive device'. Police were taking no chances amid FO advice that the deadly vegetable is being used by Al Qaed...
Read full storyScientists Able to Monitor Insects Dying Thoughts
Neurologists at Northern Michigan University have released a study that confirms the ability to capture the final brain activity of most insects at the moments just before death. Working predominantly with Black Flies, a species that can outnumbe...
Read full storyCanadian Heart Association Pleads for Stanley Cup Win
Several sitting board members of the Canadian Heart Association well aware of increased incidents of heart attack during highly stressful events, pleads with the NHL Officials Association to make the Stanley Cup Finals "Canadian Fair". Taking the...
Read full storyRobbie Williams in 'one little prick injecting another' shocker
Hollywood - The Take That! singer has been reported shooting up the male whormone testosterone. A UK red top interview today describes Robbie as 'the dog's bollox' - er...completely rejuvenated! - following twice weekly jabs to stiffen his resolv...
Read full storyHoward Stern's Shocking Interview With Anthony Weiner: 'My Penis Seems to Have a Mind of It's Own!"
Shock Jock Howard Stern was the last interview 'Weinergate' star Anthony Weiner had after hitting all the daytime shows yesterday as he continued to deny HE had not posted his pole on Twitter, while continuing to fan the flames admitting "it could h...
Read full storyAl-Qaeda Name Replacement Leader For 'Murdered' Bin Laden
Al-Qaeda, the group responsible for clogging up the internet with grainy videos of bearded men in dresses waving AK-47's about the place, whilst chanting and calling for the West to be brought to it's knees, has finally announced a replacement for Os...
Read full story'Northern Bastard' Allardyce sacked by West Ham
West Ham have terminated the contract of manager Sam Allardyce with immediate effect. East End owner David Sullivan claims to have been led down the garden path by Big Sam and told reporters: "We found out on Twitter that he is a dirty Northern...
Read full storyDavid Tennant and Catherine Tate In "Much Ado About Nothing" - "Bloody Disgrace!"
A storm is brewing over a performance of Shakespeare's classic comedy Much Ado About Nothing featuring TV favourites David Tennant and Catherine Tate. Tennant and Tate appear as the bickering couple Benedick and Beatrice, who are "tricked" into an...
Read full storyOde to Anthony Charles Lynton Blair
You would not use honest, open or believable for Tony Blair, The man who killed soldiers, and put many in a wheelchair, The man who knew how to smile as he was being unfair, He and his rich wife grew richer, and dined out at Mayfair, As his fight for other's oil, he fought with flair, And smiled at the camera in his suit and tie of mohair, While his Weapons of Mass Destruction, could be foun...
Read full storyFears Grow For Amanda Holden In Backless Red Dress Vampire Scare
Experienced celebrity stalker, Orlando Puckerbum, from Ryde, Isle Of Wight, last night revealed that he was becoming increasingly concerned about the physical welfare of top television celebrity, Britain's Got Talent judge, Amanda Holden. Puckerbu...
Read full storyCheryl Cole And Imogen Thomas Found In Icelandic Volcano - Eating Cucumber With Sepp Blatter
According to the gossip columns, the trio were found sitting in the crater of extinct Icelandic volcano, Imblofyer, eating cucumber and talking about ticket allocations for the 2012 Olympic Games, by part time explorer, Sir Kenneth Tarby-Dodds. Ta...
Read full storyBull Elephant Stranded On Blackpool Beach
Holidaymakers - mainly women, who tend not to cope with such events very well - at Blackpool were left in a state of shock yesterday when an African bull elephant became stranded on the beach, having been washed up by the incoming tide. Most men p...
Read full storyLady Gaga Abducted And Probed By Aliens In UFO Horror Event
Isle of Wight based celebrity stalker, house burglar and petty criminal, Orlando Puckerbum has revealed that the secret behind lady Gaga's spectacular rise to prominence in the music and fashion worlds, can be attributed to one simple fact: At som...
Read full storyKirstie Alley, 60, Says That She and Her Boyfriend Shancie Boyd, 21, Are History
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Kirstie Alley, who recently took second place in the 2011 edition of Dancing With The Stars, was spotted at a local Burger Doll Restaurant minus her boy toy Shancie Boyd. According to Taffeta Kixx of iRumors the 60-year-old Alley, who is now known as "The Dancing Cougar" has ended her relationship with her boyfriend hip hop artist Shancie Boyd who at 21, was young enough to be...
Read full storyCourgettes are the new Cucumbers
As a result of the recent deaths caused by tainted cucumbers, Health Organizations world-wide are encouraging people to switch to eating courgettes. This, sometimes ignored vegetable, is a great substitute in any recipe calling for cucumbers. C...
Read full storyMel Gibson says to estimate your future prospects
Mel Gibson says that mathematicians are embarking on creating formulas to show outcomes of everything that a human being can possibly do on this earth with time schedules that will tell a person if it is possible for them to accomplish a career choi...
Read full storySepp Blatter's Dodgy Dealings Revealed
Sepp Blatter's Dodgy past has tonight been sensationally revealed after 6 decades of absolute secrecy. The secrecy was necessary because Sepp believed that if the truth about his secret past was revealed, it would undermine his reputation in the wor...
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