Simon Cowell Talks About Those Salaciously Steamy Rumors Regarding Him and Paula Abdul
HOLLYWOOD - It is fairly common knowledge on the Left Coast that ever since the early days of American Idol there have been sensually suggestive sparks between Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul. Cowell known as "The Sultan of Sarcasm" and Abdul known a...Read full story
Sarah Palin Has Now Stated That Abraham Lincoln Died From Getting Run Over By A Covered Wagon
SACRAMENTO, California - Sarah Palin took a little break from her Nationwide Bus Tour to visit Sacramento, California. The woman who never met a geographical question that she could not answer incorrectly told a reporter for The Cucamonga Chit Cha...Read full story
The Reason Why All of Newt Gingrich's Campaign Workers Said "Adios Doughboy"
WASHINGTON, D.C. - GOP presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich has just received some good news and some bad news and some more bad news. The good news is that he is ahead of Rick Santorum in the polls. The bad news is that nobody, outside of Pennsylva...Read full story
Spectacular Future Event Set to Occur
An anonymous source within the United States intelligence community told an anonymous Department of Homeland Security official that an event of spectacular importance to national security is set to occur within a particular future time frame. What...Read full story
'A' Level in Madness - Are you mad enough to take this exam?
Recently Ofqual has attacked 'unacceptable' exam paper blunders; A 'rogue' question inserted into an AS-level maths exam, worth 11 per cent of the total mark, sat by almost 6,800 students, the exam board blundered to calculate the correct length for the shortest route along a network of tracks in a forest equal to an equation set out in the test paper... An AS-level business studies exam, ma...Read full story
If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear...
MI5, MI6, London precinct: The mystery of Dr David Kelly, is one where the British public know a cover up when they see one. If the truth were ever to come out, Tony bLIAR would be on trial accused of conspiring to murder Dr David Kelly... Tony bLI...Read full story
Green party plans to eliminate waste
The Green party today revealed their plan for reducing food waste. Every year in the UK thousands of tonnes of food are thrown away, which the Greens say is a shocking waste (no pun intended). Under their scheme, people will be encouraged to use e...Read full story
Life expectancy gap "must be reduced"
Independent think tank NICE (the National Institute for Compulsory Equality) have today released a report which reveals the shocking difference in life expectancy in different parts of the UK. While inhabitants of Devon can expect to be venerable...Read full story
Mock Doc In Frock Cock Shock
Britain's first Asian-Style Prostrate Examination Clinic was closed down today after a series of complaints by patients. In an unprecedented move, 14 Asian nurses were suspended pending investigation into their medical credentials. The British Med...Read full story
Cameron challenges Williams to pissing contest
David Cameron today sought to pour oil on the waters following Archbishop Rowan Williams' outburst whilst guest-editing The Spectator, Britain's biggest subscription-based voyeur magazine. 'We all have a right to express our political views' said...Read full story
The Wombles top Glastonbury because no one else decent wants to play there!
The Wombles from Wimbledon are topping Glastonbury this year because most decent bands avoid the festival like avoiding the pest. Mike Batt (slightly Batty) the founder of the famous kiddies show and writer of many of their ancient, very pathetic...Read full story
British beggars go on the rampage and threaten to strike
In a hastily drawn-up statement written on the back of an old copy of the Big Issue, the BABS (British Association of Beggars and Scroungers) announced that it could no longer take responsibility for its members actions. Earlier this morning, a gr...Read full story
Bernie Ecclestone swops Andy Warhol for Albert Steptoe
'Mini' celebrity Bernie Ecclestone has done a deal with the BBC to star in the remake of Steptoe and Son. Bernie, who is 80 and weighs in at 5'2", knocked back another lucrative offer to portray dead lookalike artist Andy Warhol. Instead, he will...Read full story
Bilderberg inaugurates 'Feudal Reserve' banking
Switzerland - The secretive Bilderberg group plans to take reserve banking to the next level, according to Mr. Z, our confidential Bilderberg conference mole. In a small caucus of top leaders, rife with royalty, it was decided to do away with the...Read full story
Hunt Is On For Savoy Drunk - Reward Offered
The drunken man who was ejected from a showbiz bash at London's posh Savoy hotel after repeatedly falling over in front of such luminaries as Sir Ian McKellen and Liam Neeson has become the focal point of a nationwide search. The man went on to b...Read full story
Indian Elephant Declares War With The Sacred Cow
During a press conference Thursday afternoon, Shaka the elephant apologized for the accidental death of a Mysore village man. "It was a complete accident and I'm sorry. We have no beef with the villagers. Our problem is with the sacred cows." Afte...Read full story
Shoppers Left Unmoved By Elephant Rampage
A rampaging elephant is something that shoppers don't often encounter in Manchester's Arndale Centre, but that's exactly what happened this morning. A rogue elephant rampaged around the malls, charged shoppers, headbutted plate glass windows, over...Read full story
Man United Fans Not Defecting To City Despite Giggs Scandal
A group of Manchester United fans held an emergency meeting this lunchtime in the bar at Stretford Sports Centre, with the objective of repudiating rumours that many are about to withdraw their support for the club, and defect to Manchester City, as...Read full story
Bilderberg Group meets in massive ziggurat under Stonehenge
Wiltshire - The Shadow World Government cabal has been spotted holding its AGM in the secret subterranean monument. New World Order sources said today the highly paranoid Group, founded by MI6/KGB double agent and ex-Harold Wilson era chancellor D...Read full story
Hosepipe Ban Will Not Affect Ryan Giggs
With the news that certain parts of Britain are to introduce hosepipe bans from tomorrow, with some parts being named 'Drought Areas' - a spokesman for North Wet Water has stated that Manchester United footballer Ryan Giggs will not be affected. T...Read full story
Miley Cyrus Says She Loves "Lap Dancer" The Pet Snake That She Was Given By Maksim Chmerkovskiy of 'Dancing With The Stars'
ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico - Miley Cyrus finished performing before a standing room only crowd at The Mescalero Apache Warpaint Auditorium and was backstage relaxing with a 32 oz. bottle of 7-Up and a large bag of Cheetos. She was asked by Vodka Verm...Read full story
Ken Clarke preparing for 100% discount on political career
Justice Secretary Ken Clarke is preparing himself for a 100% discount on his political career after his plans to half the sentence of convicted criminals in England and Wales who chose to plead guilty to their crimes, were shelved. Prime Minister...Read full story
Zippy Out Of 'Rainbow' Is Dead
Of course, everyone of a certain age will know that Zippy was not a person, but a really fucking annoying puppet who used to come on TV at lunchtime with his mates, George and Geoffrey, and annoy the shit out of anybody unfortunate enough to be watch...Read full story
Hacking Kate Middleton's Phone Was A Waste Of Time - Private Investigator
A private investigator who claims to know Jonathan Rees - allegedly the notorious News Of The World phone hacker, has claimed that hacking the Duchess Of Cambridge's mobile phone was a complete waste of time. Phil Marlowe, of Catford claims to hav...Read full story
Stockport Man Finds Higgs Boson Particle Behind Sofa
Scientists are celebrating today after a retired plumber found the so called "God Particle" behind his sofa. Bill Appleton, 63, has expressed his surprise at his find. "I was only looking behind the sofa for some change to pay the window cleaner...Read full story
Archbishop in the Firing Line
Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury has broken all the rules by criticising the Coalition Government for bringing in legislation which no one voted for. 'Who does he think he is,' barked on Tory Backbencher, 'the bleedin' archbishop of Canter...Read full story
Pippa Counted Out
Pippa Middleton's bum has been overcome by former Countdown star Carol Vorderman's rear in the annual Backside of the Year competition. Carol said her posterior was mathematically superior to Pippa's, but the public acclaim for Pippa (voted ass of...Read full story
CSI, Bones - Ideal For Slimmers Says Diet Expert
Watching police forensic procedural dramas will help you shed the pounds says a top slimming expert. The claim follows months of research involving hundreds of subjects using different diets and exercise regimes. Dr Milicent Gruel, head of Food...Read full story
Susan Boyle surprised Jackie Evancho
Big surprise this season when Susan Boyle and Jackie Evancho were suppose to sing a duet on Americas Got Talent. Susan Boyle's stand in, Flat Susan, had to take her place. Susan Boyle, a 50 year old beast of a woman, who had never been shagged, wo...Read full story
Clint Eastwood To Direct Taylor Lautner, Zac Efron, and Shakira In The R-Rated Western "The High Noon Moon"
SAN FRANCISCO - Clint Eastwood became famous in America for playing Rowdy Yates, a cattle herd ramrod on the television western Rawhide which ran from 1959 through 1965. He later traveled to Italy where he made the infamous spaghetti westerns in...Read full story
Congressman Anthony Weiner Says He's learned His Lesson and Promises To Never Ever Again Tweet or Take Photos of His Pecker
BROOKLYN - Congressman Anthony "Peckerwood" Weiner says that he is fed up with hearing everyone go on and on about Weinergate, the Tweeter Tickler, www.woody, and The Weiner Wee Wee. He admits that what he did was wrong, but he adds that he did no...Read full story
Hollywood Is Furious As President Obama Proposes A Bill To Ban Television's 'Canned Laughter'
HOLLYWOOD - Television executives are sweating bullets as they have learned that President Obama acting on the advice of his entertainment media advisor Oprah Winfrey has proposed a bill that the Tinsel Town moguls hate more than even having to put u...Read full story
Twitter Login Page Revelation That Facebook and Google and Myspace Don't Want you to Know About
A leading computer networking company has revealed that there is an astonishing fact about Twitter's Login Page that Facebook and Myspace don't want us to know about. This incredible fact is that Twitter's Login page is considered prettier by 9...Read full story
Is Demi Lovato Heading Back Into The Rehab Clinic?
VENICE BEACH - Disney darling Demi Lovato was reportedly seen walking alone on Venice Beach wearing a Wonder Woman bathing suit and a pair of Ellen DeGeneres Brand Flip Flops. She was asked by a reporter for Tittle Tattle Tonight if she was okay,...Read full story