Lindsay Lohan Freed From Tracking Anklet
A California judge has removed the tracking device on troubled former Hollywood starlet Lindsay Lohan's left ankle, and she is free to roam anywhere she wants-with one exception. The judge ruled that the freshly unshackled Lohan must keep a distance...Read full story
Saddam: Sex Change and Shopping
It's pretty dangerous being a dictator nowadays, and that even goes for allegedly dead ones such as Saddam and that is why we both decided that we needed to buy some Stealth clothing for me and gender reassignment for Saddam so that we could blend in with the people and hopefully complete an assignment on webcam suicides. Mindful of the fact that a former Prime Minister of Iraq called Nuri Sai...Read full story
The BBC Accused Of Preferring Depressed Sounding Scottish Newsreaders
Media watchdog, MEW (Media Watchdog) has slammed the BBC by accusing it of favouritism towards depressed sounding Scottish newsreaders, and voiceover artistes on documentary programming. MEW monitors attribute this peculiar practice to the economi...Read full story
Danger Mouse has a middle name
Danger Mouse, the unflappable cartoon secret agent rodent, friend of Penfold and enemy of Baron Greenback has had his middle name revealed by WikiLeaks. The most remarkable aspect of the revelation is not that Danger Mouse has a middle name, a lot...Read full story
Letters To The Editor: Part 3457676540 In An Endless Series
Dear Sir, I am a reader of your electronic magazine and applaud the way it saves paper. It doesn't save electricity, like paper magazines do, but I guess there's a cost-benefit analysis lying in wait for us all with the Great Accountant In The Sky one of these days. So, without further ado (what does "ado" mean, then? it's always bugged me, it has, and, while we're on, what does "bugged" mea...Read full story
Just when the Greeks thought their economy had touched the bottom, they have discovered new holes to plummet into. This is financial austerity, Greek-style, and it stinks. Greece is in a hole, a fetid hairy hole, and no amount of budget shaving ca...Read full story
Burglars breaking in can now be stabbed, but only if there's a knife available and the burglar has no gun!
The laws allowing burglars to do their dirty deeds is about to be radically changed according to "man of the people" Ken Clark. In fact he has told all innocent houseowners, scared grannies, home alone children, etc, "grab a bread knife as big as you...Read full story
Children strike from school
The National Union of Schoolchildren (NUS) has called a country-wide strike, causing thousands of schools across the UK to close. A lack of chaos is predicted as children and teachers stay at home. The NUS has promised to continue the strike until...Read full story
Letters To The Editor About Heroes Of The Empire
Dear Sir, I was fascinated to read in your magazine, about three years ago (I can't remember exactly when), about the days of the British Empire and some of the great characters of those times. But why did you not mention my ancestor William Plumstone, the man who introduced the porcelain eggcup to the Headhunters of Sarawak? Despite being warned numerous times, William had the courage to...Read full story
Budget Airline Executive Given "Taste Of His Own Medicine" At Court Appearance
A Ryanfly executive ended up paying more than his fine when he appeared before magistrates for driving offences. Trevor Sprench, 46, of Blenkinsop Gardens, Manningtree, pleaded guilty to driving without due care and driving without lights. He was...Read full story
Popstar to Operastar: Has The Fat Lady Sung?
It's not over 'til the fat lady sings, but there are fears she may have already warbled the death notes for ITV's reality show Popstar to Operastar after ratings halved in just four weeks. Popstar was watched by 6.3 million viewers when its second...Read full story
Congressman Eric Cantor to receive annual Tokyo Rose award!
The Tokyo Rose Society of Tokyo Japan announced today that Congressman Eric Cantor of Virginia would be receiving their annual award. The award has been given each year since 1941 to the American that has done the most to betray their country. "...Read full story
Crystal Harris astrologer says Friday's eclipse will see Charlene Wittstock 'dump Prince Albert at the altar'
Monaco - The stargazer's advice is widely credited with being behind the knockout blow delivering Harris from 'dire' nuptials to octogenarian viagra guzzler Hugh Hefner. It saw delicious 25 year-old blond Playboy model Crystal jilt 85 year-old Hef...Read full story
BBC Complaints Procedure "Grisly" And "Absolutely Hopeless"
Procedures for complaining to the BBC are "convoluted" and "overly complicated" according to a group of peers. The Lords communications committee says it is difficult for viewers, listeners and web users to know where to go with complaints. Their...Read full story
ANL and BNP to Merge
In a move that will surprise many, the Anti Nazi League and the British National Party are to join forces. A statement issued today announced the amalgamation with immediate effect. The new party will be known as BAMPL, the British Anti Mainstream...Read full story
Christine Lagarde: Speaks of sex in hotel bedrooms
Christine Lagarde, the IMF's new head, has vowed to always keep the door of a hotel room in which she's staying, wide open. Speaking to this reporter she said: "My hotel bedroom will be for sleeping only. Sleeping alone that is. I will always keep...Read full story
New Museum in Oldham charts the rise of the Zebra Crossing
Lottery funding has been secured to create the world's first Zebra Crossing Museum in Oldham, near Manchester. "We think the time is right to examine the history of the Zebra Crossing," said curator, Trevor Lichtenstein. "This is a very interestin...Read full story
Eva Longoria Loses Her Lawsuit Against The Producers of "Basketball Wives"
MIAMI - The producers of the VH1 television series Basketball Wives came out smelling like freshly picked roses. Dade County Circuit Judge Erasmus "The Gray Gavel" Oberdorf ruled against Eva Longoria who was suing on grounds that she was supposed...Read full story
America's Got Talent's Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr. To Be The Next Frank Sinatra
HOLLYWOOD - Nick "The Candlestick" Cannon could not believe what he had just heard and neither could any of the America's Got Talent studio audience or the three judges. Howie Mandel, Sharon Osbourne, and Piers Morgan had all just heard Landau Eug...Read full story
FBI: Weiner sexted Palin and Bachman
An FBI analysis of the Facebook account of former Congressman Anthony Weiner revealed that he had e-mailed his rather inflated loins to Tea Party Presidential hopefuls Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman. At first, when the New York Times acquired...Read full story
Top Telly Chefs Gordon Ramsay And Marco Pierre White Admit There's Not Much They Can Do With Frog Spawn
Shares in satellite TV channel, Mug TV, hit an all time high yesterday as executive producer, Eli Milkshake unveiled what is likely to be the channel's all time biggest hit, a celebrity chef challenge show called 'You Can't Cook This!' In the show...Read full story