Thought For The Day, With E L Wisty
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's Jeremy Clarkson. Another thing I can't stand is the cat. Yes, the cat that sits on my window sill every evening and looks at me. I can feel its green eyes burning into my soul, while I'm heating the milk. Into my very soul, they burn, while the skin forms on the milk and it begins to rise dangerously high up the sides of the milk pan. Bastit, that was t...
Read full storyMad swarm of killer bees invades Amy Winehouse beehive
London - North London apiarists said tonight a 15,000-strong colony of hybrid African-Camden Town killer bees is on the loose and heading for an aperture in Winehouse's chimneystack. The mutants were seen swarming earlier on a Jeffrey Street Smart...
Read full storyNorway killer Breivik 'a dead ringer for Lloyds TSB London 2012 TV ad animated character'
London - Someone at the Norwegian embassy has complained to the Broadcasting Standards Council. A TV cartoon character in the Lloyds TSB Olympic Torch Relay ad 'looks exactly like Anders Behring Breivik' and is causing widespread confusion. The...
Read full storyEuthanasia Believed To Cure Genital Warts
Deep in the heart of anyone who is sexually promiscuous lies the fear that their significant other will blame them for transmitting genital warts. Spread through skin-to-skin contact during oral, genital or anal sex with an infected partner, these w...
Read full storySarah Palin's Brand New Movie "The Undefeated" Bombs Horribly - Already Heading For The Bargain Bins At Local Supermarkets
WASILLA, Alaska - Well after the absolutely horrendous box-office showing, or actually to be more politically correct 'non-showing' of "Snowflake" Sarah Palin's movie The Undefeated, it appears that her 15 minutes of fame may have expired. Her muc...
Read full storyObama finds solution to US debt problem
The USA is two weeks away from defaulting on its $14 trillion debt mountain, and politicians from both parties have been debating the crisis to try to find the best way out. President Barack Obama has been deeply involved in these discussions, an...
Read full storyChina doesn't want US
China sent Obama a letter today that told him to calm down, and that China has no intention whatsoever of buying America. This is good news for many, who have been worried about China swooping in to claim us as their own like Americans did to the...
Read full storyThe Elm Street Debt Act
Today in their continued deliberations inside the White house, Obama and others have finally come to an agreement on how to deal with most if not all debt problems the the United States currently has. They have agreed to use he new Elm Street Debt...
Read full storyLeno Gets "Top 10 List," Letterman Gets "Jay Walking" In Talk Show Mega Trade
Faced with declining ratings and stronger competition, the Late Show with David Letterman has traded away its popular "Top 10 List" feature to Jay Leno in exchange for Leno's "Jay Walking" segment. Neither Letterman or Leno would comment on switching their signature comedy concepts. But a Late Show producer revealed 10 reasons why the trade was made: 10. Our audiences will get a kick out of...
Read full storyNational Anthem Too Short Says Hamilton - Top DJs Called In
Two of the dance scene's top DJ's have been called in to revamp the UK national anthem following complaints by Formula 1 star Lewis Hamilton that it is too short. The McLaren star was speaking after his "amazing" victory in the German Grand Prix a...
Read full storyMike Tindall's future mother-in-law must 'butt out' Zara Phillips says. It's only a nose.
Zara Phillips has asked her mother, Princess Anne to stop talking about Mike's nose. Apparently Zara likes it just the way it is. It has been hinted by some Royals that Mike should have his nose 'corrected' surgically, before the upcoming nuptua...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Public Toilet Menace
After the news last week that the public lavatory in Shanklin had been left to go feral, it appears that it has formed a pack of feral public toilets roaming the east coast of the Island. According to eye witness accounts, this pack of feral publi...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Ventnor to increase parking charges
The Pay and Display car park just off Zig Zag Street in Ventnor is to have it's parking charge raised from fifty pence an hour to sixty pence for fifty-two minutes. The other car parks are likely to follow suit. "This will kill local trade," said...
Read full storyPrince William in shocking Aston Villa rant
Prince William has shocked locals in a Windsor newsagents with a foul mouthed rant about his football team Aston Villa. It is not the first time the Prince, a diehard Claret and Blues fan, has 'done one' after his favourite players have been tran...
Read full storyJohn Boehner arrested for trying to pawn Great Seal of the United States!
Late yesterday Speaker of the House of the United States Congress, Join Boehner was arrested at a Washington DC pawn shop trying to pawn the Great Seal of the United States! A shocked press corps watched as Boehner was fingerprinted and booked at the...
Read full storyCSI:Miami Returns To Forensic Scrutiny
Sun-soaked forensic drama CSI:Miami returns to UK television for its ninth season this evening - and the critics will be watching closely. Horatio will arrive at his offices to find everyone stricken by a gas attack - and according to the preview...
Read full storyBong-shaped UFO over Winehouse pad on night of her RIP - reports
London - A giant flying bong from outer space was seen hovering over Camden Square last weekend close to Amy Winehouse's two million quid pad. Eyewitnesses reported seeing curly plumes of pungent smoke above the NW1 rooftops as the craft spelled o...
Read full storyBlue Square Conference to adopt Smart Balls
The Blue Square Conference, non-league's highest tier, is to lead the way with new 'Smart Balls'. Made by Fila, these balls are the latest in intelligent sports gear. As well as being perfectly spherical, the balls promise to aid referees in some...
Read full storyWoe is Dem: Weiner, Wrangle, Wasserman , Waters And Now Wu, WTF?
"It's Weally, Weally Woeful," said lisping congressman Barney Frank, (D,Gay,MA) discussing the democrats latest Wrinkle involving sexual harassment charges against David Wu, (D,CA). Wu has been flying under the radar for a long time concerning hi...
Read full storyIs Amy Winehouse now a zombie?
Megastar R&B Diva Amy Winehouse may have overdosed on the Haitian 'zombie drug' Scopolamine, reports are indicating. The 'Back to black' singer was well known for her misuse of illegal and dangerous substances that turned her from an attractiv...
Read full storyMurdoch Offers To Pay Anders Breivik's Legal Costs
In an out of character act of selfless charity, Rupert Murdoch has offered to pay unlimited legal costs for the Norwegian mass murderer, Anders Breivik, according to the respected Oslo tabloid News Of The Fjords Murdoch was seemingly ecstatic that...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse: Is She REALLY Dead?
Grief-stricken fans of former R'n'B, soul and jazz singer Amy Winehouse have had their spirits lifted this morning after truly amazing reports that she may not, in fact, be dead. Miss Winehouse, 27, 'died' on Saturday in mysterious circumstances,...
Read full storyHull City Ready For Champions League Tilt After Trouncing Liverpool
Hull City fans are looking forward to the new season with glee after their team's 3-0 trouncing of Kenny Dalglish's Liverpool in their friendly at the KC Stadium on Saturday, with many believing that the Tigers could well be pushing for a Champions L...
Read full storyCubs fans invoke Lee Elia's Curse on front office
Representatives of the Chicago Cubs front office broke up a ceremony near Wrigley Field Monday, fearing the results might adversely affect the team's famous curse. Fans then unleashed a new wave of curses, the likes of which haven't been heard at...
Read full storyTakwana Smith and Anitakapita Jones, both of Cargo fleet, speak about Amy Winehouse
Takwana Smith and Anitakapita Jones spoke to a Spoof Journalist about the death, a few days ago, of celebrity, Amy Winehouse. "Ee! We are ded gutted arn we Anitakapita? A cudn' believe me own bleeding ears when i' came on the News. A woke our lad up, coz 'e'd dozed off, as per, on the sofa after coming 'ome bladdered. E were as gobsmcked as Ah were an' all.. She were ded gud an' all tha'...
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