Isle of Wight News - Public Toilet Menace

Written by IainB

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

image for Isle of Wight News - Public Toilet Menace
People are asked to be on the lookout for the feral public loos

After the news last week that the public lavatory in Shanklin had been left to go feral, it appears that it has formed a pack of feral public toilets roaming the east coast of the Island.

According to eye witness accounts, this pack of feral public toilets is catching the unwary unawares.

"It started with the Shanklin Public Lav," said Carl Parker, councillor in charge of Parks and Parking, and now Toilets. "Due to budget cuts, the toilet had been left uncleaned for a month, and it turned feral."

Once free of the shackles of regular cleaning, the public toilet gathered together the other east coast public toilets, and they are currently terrorising visitors to Shanklin, Bembridge and Seaview. There have been unconfirmed reports as far north as Ryde and as far south as Ventnor.

"It is only a matter of time before somebody gets hurt," said Parker. "We are issuing an island wide alert to be alert island wide."

Parker is heading up a team of park keepers and traffic wardens in order to hunt down the feral toilets so they can be brought in for taming and cleaning.

"We understand that the pack is currently fourteen strong," said Parker. "We have situated a full time cleaner in the remaining five public toilets in Ryde and Shanklin. We're hoping that they are sticking to the coast."

If the feral lavatories make it inland the situation could get out of control, with Cowes cowering under the threat, as there are over three hundred public toilets in Cowes, while Newport has seventy.

"We will of course keep the public appraised of the situation," said Parker. "Any sitings of the feral toilets should be reported directly to me. On no account should a member of the public approach these conveniences, regardless of how convenient they look. So far, nobody has been hurt, and we'd like to keep it that way."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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