Cubs fans invoke Lee Elia's Curse on front office

Funny story written by Moustafa Rex

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

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Representatives of the Chicago Cubs front office broke up a ceremony near Wrigley Field Monday, fearing the results might adversely affect the team's famous curse.

Fans then unleashed a new wave of curses, the likes of which haven't been heard at Wrigley Field since Lee Elia talked to reporters on April 29, 1983.

Hundreds had gathered at the site of the Billy Goat Tavern, a place forever etched in the Cubs' miserable mythos, to ceremonially retire a Cubs jersey bearing the number 45 and the name Sianis emblazoned on the back.

The move was an attempt to yet again bury the Curse of the Billy Goat, attributed to the wrath of Billy Sianis. The curse was levied in 1945.

"They don't want to win," one fan said. "They've never wanted to win."

The dozen other fans interviewed at the scene, delivered curses taken directly from Elia's rant. Elia's curse was Plan B, to the original plan to end Sianis' curse.

Censored audio playbacks of Elia's explosion are said to perfectly transcribe the first three minutes of the Wizard of Oz to Morse code. The tie-in gives the Cubbie Occultists confidence, Elia's curses have special powers.

"The man was a phonetic poet, and it was obvious he has the power of demons at his disposal," an organizer of the event said.

The dedicated fans believe the Cubs woes began when Sianis was asked to leave game Game 4 between the Cubs and Detroit Tigers because someone complained about the smell of the goat he brought to the game.

Furious that anyone would be offended by livestock in the stands of a Major League Baseball park, Sianis cursed the Cubs, dooming them to never win the World Series ever again.

Numerous attempts to break the curse have been attempted, but to date none have been effective.

"Did they stop it?" Thomas Ricketts was heard to say when he arrived at the scene as the crowd scattered.

When the heads of the other Cubs brass nodded to Ricketts in the affirmative, he relaxed and spoke with The Spoof briefly.

"Oh man, now I know how Kennedy must of felt during that whole Bay of Pigs thing," he eventually said after a long conversation about Major League Soccer.

"We can't afford to lose that lovable loser image. It kept the Tribune afloat for decades. Everybody empathizes with the ugly kid down the street that never seems to catch a break."

The Tribune Company owned the Cubs for many years, and was well-known for beating rosters with ugly sticks during the off-season.

As the team owner waited for the help to open the door to his car, he said one last thing before fleeing the scene.

"Joe Blow roots for guys like that," he said, "and there are a lot of Joe Blows out there."

The Cubs are on pace to continue their World Series drought again this season, provided the other teams in the National League Central are not forced to forfeit the rest of the season due to illness, bankruptcy, or other tragedy.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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