Man Not Fooled by Email Claming to Be His Girlfriend's Nude Photos
GMAIL, INTERNET - Darren Roberts, 23, received an electronic message in his Google Mail account. The message, which consisted of the heading Valentine's Day Photos from Me, Your Lady-friend ;) and the subject Nude Pics and contained the message Yo...
Read full storySauce bottle collection stolen overnight
A Gorleston man's life was left in tatters this morning after heartless thieves broke into his garden shed and stole his prized collection of sauce bottles. Kevin Ramsey, 61, of Oak Road struggled to hold back tears as he explained that his entire...
Read full storyAnti-Bullying Charity Shuts Down After Being Picked On
BIRMINGHAM - Counter-Bullyline, a anti-bullying helpline, has been forced to shut down after being attacked by other charities. "We had to," said a spokesman, "Headlines [Mental Health] and Pro-Home [Homeless] said they'd beat us up if we told the...
Read full storyChristian Bale's Ego, Too Big For Christian Bale, Doctors' Warn
Anxious scenes tonight, as a team of surgeons try to separate Christian Bale from his own overinflated ego. The controversial procedure, known as a Twatendectomy, is only performed in the most severe of cases, when all other interventions have failed...
Read full storyAustralian Cook Book Shock
A series of unfortunate printing mistakes has led to an Australian cook book having to be binned by Penguin Group Australia. £12,000 worth of copies of the Pasta bible had to be reprinted when the errors came to light. The first cookery cock-up...
Read full storyASBOs Replaced with Naughty Wall
BIRMINGHAM - After the Conservetive government announced it will discontinue the Anti-Social Behaivoiur Order (ASBO) scheme, many local councils are in panic at what alternative measures to use. However, the City of Birmingham Council has implemen...
Read full storyHealth Warning Over New Procedure
Medical experts are united in their condemnation of the latest cosmetic craze that is sweeping the globe. Bollocks enhancement is especially popular in 3rd world countries, particularly in South America where big balls are regarded as attractive and...
Read full storyKauto Star punters feeling vindicated as horses tasered at Newbury
Berks - (Bolt From The Blue): A race-knobbling syndicate is suspected of firing an equine taser at Newbury racecourse which killed two horses on Saturday. Fenix Two and Marching Song dropped dead in the parade ring amid suspicions 'someone in the...
Read full storyElderly lady swells up!
What began as relatively normal day came within a whisker of turning into a tragedy for the Beekman family of Worcester yesterday. Bert Beekman and his wife Elsie were looking forward to a visit from their three children, their partners, and their...
Read full storyWoman to divorce own vagina
A 22 year old Brooklyn woman has filed divorce against her vagina on the grounds it has failed to meet "expected functioning." Helen Splinter, a Texan native who immigrated to New York less than a month ago says she has had enough of her "useless...
Read full storySpider-Man To Join Fantastic Four, Says Agent Drew Rosenhaus
New York City is about to become a little bit safer, after word from The Baxter Building that Spider-Man will be replacing Johnny Storm after his tragic death during the Negative Zone crisis. Spidey, please don't change costumes! We know how...
Read full storyCity Legend Mike Summerbee In Sky Sports Meltdown
Former Manchester City star Mike 'Tra-la-la-la' Summerbee had a Keeganesque few minutes today in the Sky Sports studio at Old Trafford following today's Manchester derby. Clearly disappointed, and exuding bitterness, the former City winger finally...
Read full storySnowdrop crop circle marks Queen Boudica's grave
Wilts - (Slay Lines): A 500 ft snowdrop crop circle has sprung up in a Devizes rapeseed field, believed by many to conceal Queen's Boudica's tomb. Farmers spotted the botanical etching following reports of a 'crowned woman warrior' ascending triu...
Read full storyRooney Wonder Goal Scuppers Sorry City
Manchester derby games are always tense and tightly contested affairs, and todays Old Trafford clash between the Londoners and their noisy neighbours did little to break the mould. City appeared to have a slight edge in the first half, playing ass...
Read full storyDawn of the Damned: NASA's Valentine's Day Comet Rendezvous Freaks Out Palace Astrologers
London - (Pie-in-the-Sky): They went to court to try and stop it because of massive black hole and red dwarf fears in HM's zodiac chart. But Monday's meet-up between NASA's Stardust-NExT spacecraft and Comet Tempel-1 Mount will take place regardle...
Read full storySuBo fanatics buy Forth Bridge!
Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies have today announced that they are buying the Forth Bridge, so they can rename it the Susan Boyle Bridge. "We think it's important that a major Scottish landmark is named after Susan. We asked the go...
Read full story"Egyptians Are Sissies," Says Bachmann in New NRA Ad
Congresswoman Michele Bachmann gave a brief press conference on the tarmac at Washington National Airport this morning before boarding a plane to Cairo. "The Egyptians are sissies," stated Bachmann. "Was this any kind of way to have a revolution?...
Read full storyValentine's Day Renewal of Love for Cameron and Clegg
With February 14th rapidly approaching the time to express true love has come. So happy couple David Cameron and Nick Clegg, in a ground breaking agreement, have vowed to love each other until it is no longer reasonable to do so. 'This is such...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan and Egypt Celebrate a new Brutal Military Dictatorship
Yesterday Egyptians in Tahrir Square went berserk with joy as Hosni Mubarak fled to Orlando and bought Hosniworld. The New York Times wrote "New Era dawns in Egypt and Across the Arab World: Cairo: A new era dawned in Egypt on Saturday as this nation...
Read full storyClarke Told to Cut it Out
Kenneth Clarke, the human face of Conservatism, and (for the moment) Justice Secretary has been told by Prime Minister, Cameron to 'CUT IT OUT!', following Clarke's comments in the 'Daily Telegraph' (of all places) that the middle classes have not ap...
Read full storyClarkson Backs Flying Car
Indian inventor, A.K. Vishwinath has joined up with Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson with the invention of a car that flies. The vertical lift off, achieved through rotating blades designed by bumble bees who have studied mathematics for years,...
Read full storyMiddle Classes Under Threat
Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke has warned that the middle classes are largely unaware of the effect government spending cuts will have on their lives. Clarke feels in particular that Middle England will be particularly hit by the scale of upheav...
Read full storyMiddle East Turmoil Set To Continue
In the wake the inevitable resignation of Egyptian leader President Mubarak, the wind of change is set to blow through the whole of the Middle East, a prominent political analyst has warned. Sol Goldstein, Emeritus Professor of Politics at Stanfor...
Read full storyCouncil Cuts Latest
Hard pressed local councils are having to come up with imaginative ways of saving money if they are to survive the next few years of hardship. Some police forces have already looked into the possibility of sharing administrative and I.T. staff, wh...
Read full storyJordan On Prowl, "Miaow"
A fur clad Jordan was on the prowl last night on a six hour bender. Jordan was wearing a rabbit-skin black poncho and sheer leopard skin tights, and a furry Russian cossak style hat. Worried friends say that Jordan is facing meltdown after finall...
Read full storyJedward In Line for Award
They may have lost out on X Factor glory, but Jedward are in the running to receive one of the most prestigious entertainment honours. John and Edward Grimes, who appeared in the sixth series of the popular talent show, have been nominated for a M...
Read full storyBermuda Triangle Found In Plymouth
Marine Biologists from all over the world gathered in amazement in Plymouth this week to witness this spectacular discovery. The Bermuda Triangle, for centuries the biggest danger to ships around Bermuda was dragged up in a fisherman's trawler ne...
Read full storyMacca At the White House
Sir Paul McCartney has performed another concert at the White House. The 67 year old ex Beatle sang for the President in 2010 after receiving the third annual Gerschwin Prize For Popular Song. Among the songs he performed this time for the Obama family was the ballad Michelle, with lyrics of course directed to the First Lady. Its understood the full set list was as follows - Michelle...
Read full storyFrench Flag Desecrated
France is in turmoil after allegations were published in the national newspaper Le Monde that a man had been photographed wiping his behind on the French flag. Justice officials have called this form of behaviour "totally unacceptable" and have la...
Read full storyBungs Probe Stuns Scottish Football
Scottish football has been rocked by the news that the Scottish Football League is investigating allegations that two of its officials offered to sell their votes in the contest to host the 2011 Alba Cup Final. 2 reporters from The Inversneckie B...
Read full storyKristen Stewart Finally Admits That She Has A Major Crush On Zac Efron
CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico - Kristen Stewart had flown down to Mexico to spend a few days relaxing in the Baja California sun all by herself. She checked into The El Super Matador Hotel ($600 per night) and went to have lunch in the hotel's famed Olé...
Read full storyWorld Cup 2010 Aftermath
The fallout from England's disastrous 2010 World Cup campaign rumbles on - the FA has lodged an official complaint to organisers over the failure in security that allowed a fan to enter the England dressing room after the 0-0 draw with Algeria. "T...
Read full storyFootball Stars Fall Foul of the Law
Four Manchester City stars have been fined for the same driving offence. Police swooped on the Blues' training ground last week and issued £30 fixed penalty notices to Kolo Toure, Patrick Viera, Shaun Wright-Phillips and Shay Given after observing...
Read full storyFirst Aid Training for Children?
An international aid charity is recommending that, in view of the large numbers of 11 to 16 year olds who find themselves in the company of friends who are unconscious through drink, they should be given first aid training. Furthermore, its under...
Read full storyPapal Official In Trouble
Emissary Cardinale Flavio Escudio is to be carpeted by papal officials after passing on a tasteless joke about former referee development officer Hugh Dallas from his St Peter's Square email account. The under fire legate will have to explain hims...
Read full storyCode of Conduct for Shoppers
The Consortium of Shopping Centre Retailers have issued a Code of Conduct for anyone using their more specially challenged facilities. 1. Single persons are not allowed access. Shoppers must enter the centre in at least pairs. 2. Shoppers will only be allowed access if they are carrying at least 3 fully laden carrier bags. 3. Customers are only allowed to stop and talk to people they re...
Read full storyThreat of More Postal Strikes
Post Office workers the length and breadth of the country are to be balloted by the CWU (Communication Workers Union) in a row over proposed changes to their conditions of service. Postmen are furious that the Post Office seems committed to pushin...
Read full storyThe Cleveland Cavaliers May Soon Become The Cancun Cavaliers
CANCUN, Mexico - A few weeks ago LeBron James of The Miami Heat had become so upset with his ex-team the Cleveland Cavaliers organization as well as with their fans that he actually threatened to buy the team and move them to Baghdad, Iraq. Well n...
Read full storyTiger's Former Doctor Faces Charges
Tiger Woods, who has only recently been showing signs of a return to form after a troubled year, has been rocked by news that a doctor who previously treated a number of elite athletes, including Woods himself, has been charged with supplying illegal...
Read full storyScissors Sisters Woe
Legendary music producer Rick Rubin has revealed that he scrapped an album by the Scissors Sisters they'd been working on together for 18 months. A spokesman for the producer said: "Although we and Rick tried to put our heart and soul into the pro...
Read full storyMuslim Quran will be taught in public schools
The Kentucky Senate passed a bill to teach Quran classes and Sharia Law in public schools. The bill made it through the Kentucky legislature. The noble and brilliant State Senator Joe Bowels says he wants children in Kentucky's public schools to...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Rekindles Her Feud With Taylor Momsen
EL PASO, Texas - La Chupacabra Convention Center in El Paso was completely sold out as the 30,000 fans eagerly awaited the star of the evening's show Miley Cyrus. Zydeco Dupree, a comedian from Louisiana had opened the show. And now a local Native...
Read full storyMore Climbdowns by the BBC
The BBC trust has been rocked by a series of apologies its been obliged to make in relation to some of its most famous programmes. In December 2010, the Trust apologised to all follicly challenged people for the running gag against wig wearers per...
Read full storyJoan Rivers, Betty White, and Cloris Leachman To Star In "Charlie's Angels - The Hip Replacement Years"
HOLLYWOOD - The Gladiator Motion Picture Company in association with Late December Films has announced that filming has already started on Charleen Belle Pinnzucker's Charlie'a Angels - The Hip Replacement Years. The part of Jill Munroe is being p...
Read full storyParis Hilton Has Agreed To Portray Lindsay Lohan In "Freckles - The Lindsay Lohan Story"
BEVERLY HILLS - Paris Hilton who really hasn't done much of anything for quite sometime told her hairdresser Mr. Tabby of Topanga Canyon that she will soon begin filming the motion picture Freckles - The Lindsay Lohan Story. Hilton was asked by Pa...
Read full storyValentine's Day to Be Spent Like Its Namesake
EARTH - As people across the globe attempt to spend time with their loved ones, most are turning to the roots of St. Valentine. Valentine, which is derived from Valentinus, and means worthy man, so if you think you have a hell of a guy, he's a lit...
Read full storyRyan Giggs Yoga Guru Shocks Manchester United Football Club Chiefs
Ryan Giggs' Yoga Guru has stunned Manchester United Football chiefs by giving them an offer that they definitely can refuse. He told the very rich, very fat group of couch potatoes that the only way to gain enlightenment is through fasting and pover...
Read full storyNokia Cheating on Microsoft with Google?
PALO ALTO, CA - After news emerged that Nokia would use Microsoft's Windows Phone Seven OS, Nokia has been caught in a scandalous affair. The company, which has arguably made the best handsets in the world since the 90s, and still owns over 70% of...
Read full storyMiracle Weight Loss Plant to be Unveiled by Jamie Oliver
A miracle weight loss plant is set to be unveiled today by healthy food Guru, Jamie Oliver. The product is so simple, and tastes so fantastic that people will wonder why they've never eaten before. This plant, however, isn't one that has just be...
Read full storyMubarak Found in Surrey
GUILDFORD, ENG. - After Mubarak stepped down as ruler of Egypt, sources say he went into hiding. That is, to the place no-one will think to look. Surrey. After submerging with the locals, who had no clue who he was, Mubarak was found out by some p...
Read full storySuper Bowl Champion Quarterback Aaron Rodgers Refuses To Confirm Brett Favre As His Facebook Friend
GREEN BAY - Aaron Rodgers replaced Brett Favre as the Green Bay Packers quarterback three years ago and after winning the 2011 Super Bowl and being named its MVP, which Favre never was, Rodgers is now enjoying hearing all of the Packer fans ask "Bret...
Read full storyJackson Hewitt Sues H&R Block, Calls Ads 'False,' 'Unimaginative.'
Jackson Hewitt Tax Service --the guys who actually have Refund Anticipation Loans, and do not use homeless men dressed up as the Statue of Liberty in their marketing campaign-- has sued soon-to-be-bankrupt H&R Block to stop a new advertising camp...
Read full storyMubarek Leaves! Cairo Newspapers Exclaim, "Squiggle, Squiggle, Dash, Squiggle, Dot, Dot."
The burbling activity at once spun at a furious face: 750,000 Egyptians moved as one; a sea of future NYC cab drivers surging toward televisions located throughout Tiananmen Square. Then a short, one-paragraph speech, read on TV by Egyptian Vice-pres...
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