Terrorists to receive acting lessons from Charlie Sheen
"Action" is what the Hollywood A-Lister Charlie Sheen shouts to the 30 or so men on a boiling film set in Afghanistan, but far from directing a new film about the war in Afghanistan, Charlie Sheen has been giving acting lessons to Al-Qaeda. Havin...
Read full storyMadonna And Barack Obama To Collaborate In Song And Dance Routine Of Mr. Bojangles At Super Bowl
NEW YORK CITY - Confirming a not-so-well-kept secret, the NFL and NBC announced today that President Barack Obama will indeed collaborate with the Material Woman in a song and dance rendition of Mr. Bojangles during the half-time show of Super Bowl X...
Read full storyFascist care home calls in cops as son takes Mum home for Christmas dinner
Somerset - The news from the UK is grim tonight amid confirmation that the Third Reich has seized control of an old people's home and is persecuting residents' relatives over basic human rights. At the heart of the controversy is a concerned man w...
Read full storyNYPD Threatens To Shut Down Times Square On New Year's Eve
Police in New York have announced a plan to block the city's New Year's Eve celebration, contending that its crowd control responsibilities in Times Square interfere with a more essential duty. "The public forgets that New York is one of the world...
Read full storyThe Sales of IPhone 4S. Skyrocket by 50% after Abusive Message
Apple, the producers of the iPhone 4S should be very pleased with themselves after rave reviews of the latest smart phone with has the ability to talk back to you. With so much positive feedback, the phone has become a market leader and is certain to...
Read full storyDorking to get an international airport?
The small Surrey town of Dorking is to get London's fifth international airport. Although officially part of Gatwick, the Dorking airport will have all its own facilities, including duty free and a Tie Rack. "This extension to Gatwick will crea...
Read full storyJim Carrey Mimes His Way Into Love
Jim Carrey has been active on the dating scene recently, culminating in his new role as the strict sugardaddy to Russian college student Anastasia Vitkina, more affectionately known as "the whole wheat sugar baby." They met this Winter in New York...
Read full storyEuropean Central Bank Restores Euro Confidence in 10 Trillion Recapitalization with Hasbro
FRANKFURT, Germany - The European Central Bank announced at a joint press conference today with Hasbro (NASDAQ: HAS) a new partnership to restore credibility to the European money supply and ensure the future safety of the Eurozone. The plan is to...
Read full story'Toronto' Mayor Rob Ford Gets Into The 'Eggnog'
Early Christmas morning, police were summoned to the suburban 'castle' of Mayor Rob Ford about a reported serious domestic dispute. It was the second such call in many months for the popular 'potty mouthed prince'. On Oct. 25, less than 15 hours a...
Read full storyTaarabt and Chamakh to eat for Morocco in the Africa Cup.
Queens Park Rangers' Adel Taarabt and Arsenal's Marouane Chamakh are both included in Morocco's 23-man squad for the Africa Cup of Nations finals. Chamakh has been selected despite only managing to eat a tagine just once in eight starts for Arsena...
Read full storyKelly Clarkson Is Shocked At The Haters Remarks Regarding Her Support of Ron Paul
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Popular songstress Kelly Clarkson has stated that she cannot believe the mean-spirited comments and remarks that she has been receiving on Twitter from individuals who lashed out at her for her remarks in support of GOP presidential...
Read full storyThe Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt II; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery
Having clambered down from the scaffolding, I made my way to the window, where my friend Shylock Humes was looking out onto a wintry Candlestick Maker Street. "Yes, doctor", said Humes, "this is the carriage I was expecting." "But there is something amiss here!" I ejaculated, and immediately regretted it. Mrs Dudson was away visiting her cousin Effie at Ecclefechan. How would we clear up in...
Read full storyThe Mass Exodus From GoDaddy Continues As Experts Predict It Could Soon Become GoneDaddy
NEW YORK CITY - The once proud domain king is now starting to look more and more like the domain jester as the nationwide Dump GoDaddy Day boycott has resulted in over 70,000 customers leaving the world's largest web hosting site. A spokesperson f...
Read full storyArab League to Send Observer Team to Iowa Caucus
CAIRO, Egypt - The Arab League is preparing to send 20 monitors to ensure peace in the imminent Iowa Caucus and monitor the situation in case of trouble emerging. According to Nabil El Araby, the General Secretary of the Arab League, "We are conce...
Read full storyThierry Henry Nears Arsenal Return - and more old gunners want in
Arsene Wenger has confirmed Thierry Henry will sign a two-month deal to return to Arsenal if insurance agreements can be worked out with New York Red Bulls. Wenger wants Henry to fill the supporting striker void which will be left when Chamakh and...
Read full storyNASA with novel idea: traveling to moon will get kids interested in math and science
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fl.- Although President Obama insists that trying to land on an asteroid would be much more interesting, NASA is pushing ahead with its plans to revisit an old friend: the moon. Like a tipsy uncle at a family gathering, NASA is con...
Read full story'A London brothel called The Vatican' revealed in Thatcher archives
London - Newly released papers under the 30 year rule show officials turned a blind eye to the existence of the Central London cat house, it has been revealed. St Pussycats made a ton of dosh and even won a government bite mark - er...kite mark! -...
Read full storyBBC Tells Football League Fans To "Shove It!"
Fans of Football League clubs have been told to "shove it" after they complained about the lack of BBC coverage over the festive period. Highlights and goal packages from matches in the three leagues below the Premier League are usually shown afte...
Read full storyThatcher considered abandoning Britain
Recently released files from the national archives from 1981 suggest that the government of the time considered a plan to abandon Britain to its fate, leaving it in a state of "managed decline". The secret documents have just been released, following...
Read full storySlap Happy Holidays
Newark, NJ - Traveling anywhere these days can be quite the never ending, here to there, and, hopefully, all the way back, painful experience. All of which, of course, gets a decided, rollover-like irritation boost, of sorts, during the holidays. And, especially if, by chance, said travel plans takes you along a sometimes, anything but unamused, international-like route. That, more often t...
Read full storyBadger Cull Blamed on Panda
A Dorking vet called Barry Badger was arrested yesterday following the suspicious death of Mrs Gertie Grimbottom, 67, of Dorking. Mrs Grimbottom was taken to the vet by her grandson Herbert, 11, who asked to have her put down. Badger initially ref...
Read full storyAuld Lang Syne Lyrics A Mystery
Most Britons make up the lyrics to the traditional New Year ditty Auld Lang Syne a survey has discovered. Researchers discovered that 37 per cent of us don't know any of the words to the song, written by Robert Burns in 1788. Most of the adults...
Read full storySanta in trouble with law
Nome, Alaska. In dramatic scenes here today, Father Christmas (otherwise known as Santa Claus) has been detained by Police on suspicion of being extremely inebriated while pursuing his annual delivery of Christmas presents to eager children all over...
Read full storyPittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger Finally Agrees To Change His Last Name
PITTSBURGH - After adamantly stating that hell would freeze over and all of the Kardashians would move to Armenia before he would change his last name Ben Roethlisberger has changed his mind. "Big Ben" as he is known by his Tweeter fans has been t...
Read full storyTop Ten Rundown - Most Annoying News Items From 2011
Many things annoy us, from women leaving the toilet seat down, public transport, the price of fuel and annoying junk mail, to women who complain you left the toilet seat up, family members who come visiting and never quite seem to know when it's time they fucked off, taxes, computer viruses and people who talk absolute bollocks about subjects they know nothing about. Here's our chart rundown of...
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