Herman Cain's Alleged Mistress: "The Next Moment She Be Jumpin My Bones"
ZOO CENTRAL - Bobo is no ordinary chimp. True, like most young chimps, he loved swinging from vines and smacking his lips while hanging out in the jungles of Africa during his formative years. He might have been a little smarter than most simians.
Read full storyWant to live forever? There's an app for that
The must have applelet that humanity has been waiting for has finally hit the iStore: iMortal. The iMortal app will let the owner live forever. "Astounding," said App World! editor, Mac Buck. "Amazing. Astonishing. Words cannot begin to express...
Read full storyDepartment Store Santa was Pepper Sprayed by Vindictive Kid
A Pasadena, California Stacy's department store Santa was pepper sprayed this afternoon by a kid bent on revenge for not getting what he asked for, for last year's Christmas. The kid, eight year old local bully Bugger Maloney, wanted to see Santa in...
Read full story'Third Secret of Fatima' says next Pope will be an alien
Rome - It's part of moves to atone for the Extraterrestrial Schizm that's rocked the Church since the year dot: God's covenant with non-Earthlings embraces the appointment on an ET pontiff to suck seed (sick) Papa Ratzi - as decreed by the Virgin...
Read full storyKinks frontman Ray Davies livid at 'daft' Pinochet slur
London - "WTF?" was the famous singer-songwriter's response to stories linking him and disgraced P2 Lodge hitman General Augusto Pinochet. UK broadsheet stories have claimed the Chilean Supreme Court is considering extraditing Davies 'because he w...
Read full storyNoddy and Big Ears accused of racist behaviour in London Underground!
Once upon a time, Noddy and Big Ears decided to leave their red open-top car at the Harrods parking area opting to hop on the London Underground to travel into town, a fatal mistake. Accompanying Noddy & Big Ears was their mate, Gollywog, a life long friend. Nowadays it's not allowed to call someone a Gollywog, but Noddy and Big Ears didn't care because that's his name. The three of them...
Read full storyTabloid journalists left depressed by Gary Speed suicide
Tabloid journalists have been advised to seek help if they become depressed and experience feelings of worthlessness in the wake of the Gary Speed tragedy. Scores of hardened hacks are reported to have succumbed to stress and resorted to heavy dr...
Read full storyScott Walker afraid of people openly carry firearms
Madison, Wisconsin--Scott Walker thinks it is afraid of people that openly carry their firearms. He held a press conference to announce that he fears crazy gun owners. "I want to be safe, and think it is dangerous to around people that need to tak...
Read full storyBarstucks charged customers for coffee smell of their coffee
Seattle, Washington--Barstucks has been charging customers a small fee for the coffee smell of their coffee. "At Barstucks we do the best to create the best customer experience and that means charging more for the coffee smell. It is the best sme...
Read full storyX-Factor Is Becoming More About The Judges Than The Performers As Simon Cowell Takes On The Other Three Judges
HOLLYWOOD - Florida's Melanie Amaro sang "The Earth Song" and she received a tumultuous standing ovation as the last seven contestants on X-Factor performed the songs of Michael Jackson. Rappers Chris Rene and Astro, alias "Little Kanye" added the...
Read full storyLibyan School of Economics nominated Blair for Nobel gong
London - Saif Al Gaddafi's alma mater is in the spotlight once again amid reports it backed Tony Blair for the prestigious annual Nobel Piss Prize. Libyan School of Economics sources said today the ex-Prime Monster was being honored in recognition...
Read full storyHelp Richard Dawkins this Christmas and scoop 50K!
At this festive time of year, it is customary to help those less fortunate than yourself. This year, the plight of atheists and evolutionists is at its most dire for years. Since the fable of evolution was swallowed up by the terminally gullible and stupid, the puzzle of the materialistic explanation for the origins of life has been one of the thousands of unanswered and ignored questions about...
Read full storyDiplomatic service CEO slams royals' London 2012 gravy train bung
London - The head of the UK Diplomatic Corpse has denounced Wills, Kaye and Harry for gorging their snouts in the Olympics gravy train trough. Sir Archibald Hoggsworth-Attashay said today the newly appointed London 2012 ambassadors 'were only in i...
Read full storyPremenstrual Woman Kills Husband For Whistling
A small village in The Cotswolds was in shock today as details emerged of a grisly murder in the quiet rural backwater, apparently as a result of a local woman suffering from the much publicised premenstrual syndrome, completely losing patience with...
Read full storyDubrovnik - A Maritime Jewel
As winter is now clearly upon us, we asked Peregrine Trip to put a sunny smile back on our faces with some memories of his travels this summer past. His wanderings this year took him to, among others, Dubrovnik - the Pearl of the Adriatic… Hot. The Dalmatian coast is experiencing a heat wave when we arrive at Dubrovnik airport. I am reminded of my first arrival in the Mediterranean region...
Read full storyElland Road to name suite after Gary Speed
It was announced today by Master Bates, Chairman of Leeds United, that Elland Road will be naming an East Stand suite in the memory of footballer Gary Speed. Although a very difficult word for the average professional footballer to overcome - ques...
Read full storyGoogle Street Map to cover North Pole
Kids across the Western World can now log onto to Google and see Father Christmas's house at the North Pole, with Google Street View finally reaching the most northerly point on the planet. "We're quite excited," said head of Google Mapping, Douga...
Read full storyX-Factor Christmas number one under threat from Go Compare Man
The Go Compare Man, the irritating overweight mustachioed opera singer, is set to release a Christmas song next week, called Go Compare Christmas Songs, to challenge the traditional X-Factor number one. "There's a movement each year to stop X-Fact...
Read full storyYour Daily Flexicon: Thursday Dec 1
Please join me each day as I reveal the words and phrases guaranteed to keep you single for a whole year. Sourced directly from the world's finest internet dating profiles, Your Daily Flexicon is the essential guide for the online dater, or indeed anyone who has a thing for typos, malapropisms and plane baad speling. This might get your attention: "I'm a beautiful bursty brunette." If yo...
Read full storyBrandi Glanville Hires a Louisiana Voodoo Woman To Put A Hex On Ex-Husband Eddie Cibrian's Marriage To LeAnn Rimes
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Brandi Glanville is the perfect example of the old Chinese saying 'that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.' The 39-year-old attractive ex-wife of Eddie "Alley Cat" Cibrian, 38, is still devastated at the fact that country si...
Read full storyYou'd better watch out - Santa's packing heat!
The War on Christmas took a bizarre new twist when Santa Claus turned up heavily armed at a gun club in Scottsdale, Arizona, on Monday. "I'm sick of being the nice guy, the soft touch," Santa declared. From now on, if you're naughty, forget coal -...
Read full storyCongressman Ron Paul Talks About Tasering and Pepper Spraying
EAST LOS ANGELES - Congressman Ron Paul of Texas, who is 76-years-old, was speaking to a crowd of well-wishers in East Los Angeles when he was asked if he would ever consider making a citizens arrest. Paul thought for a moment. He grinned and the...
Read full storyMichele Bachmann Explains Why She Is Against Gays and Lesbians Getting Married
DES MOINES, Iowa - Michele Bachmann's Hair Spray Across America Bus Tour stopped in Des Moines, Iowa, the town known for being the birthplace of Nacho Velcro the inventor of the zipper. The congresswoman from Minnesota's 6th district was asked by...
Read full storyJon Huntsman Reveals What He Will Do With The Poor People of Utah
SALT LAKE CITY - Jon Huntsman, the ex-governor of the state of Utah, was speaking before a gathering of elementary school teachers in Salt Lake City, when he was asked what he would do to eliminate poverty in his home state. Huntsman, who is runn...
Read full storyHospital Horror Show
A debilitating strike swept the public sector yesterday causing mild annoyance and under the breath insults. The hospitals, the schools and some other self important institutions would descend into anarchy and fall to ruin. Without staff to man the gun emplacements at Hull Royal Infirmary it was feared roving gangs of feral looters would raid the pharmacy. Back and to the Left news interviewed...
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