Sound Definitions
Electoral Roll - Packed lunch at the polling station Egg Nog - Noggin The Nog's chicken keeper Crumhorn - Musical cream cake Profiterole - Actor's salary Omelette - Short meditation mantra Letter - Renter of rooms Yorkshire Pudding - Geoff Boycott Reg Varney - Manto's brother Rhode Island Red - New England communist Nudism - Dism updated Francophile - Spanish Civil Wa...
Read full storyJapanese Fish Cure Cancer.
In the wake of the latest of Japan's daily earthquake --which on Thursday hit 7.2 on the Richter Scale-- the country's decimated fish industry has been granted new life, now that it has been discovered that Japan's irradiated fish actually cure cance...
Read full storyBronx Zoo Cobra MIA to Make her Formal Debut
The missing, but then found, cobra has been given a name -- MIA. And on Saturday, at the Reptile House in the Bronx Zoo, she'll make her formal debut into society. The snake has told friends the name MIA (for Missing in Action) doesn't make a l...
Read full storyRangers Deny Sectarian Claims
Rangers chief executive Martin Bain has reacted strongly to UEFA's charge that the club's fans participated in sectarian singing during last month's fixture against PSV Eindhoven. Bain vehemently denies that any such chanting went on and has moved...
Read full storyMoussa Agrees Leicester Deal
Former Libyan Foreign Minister Moussa Koussa has become championship side Leicester City's new Director of Football. The surprise news was announced by a delighted Leicester boss Sven-Goran Eriksson at a press conference this morning : "We are...
Read full storyAintree: Ladies Day...more like Halloween in April
Ladies Day at Aintree was more like Halloween in April. If those 'so called' ladies think they look classy then I feel sorry for them. Someone should tell them to stop shopping in the High Street Charity Shops.. Looking at the photographs in the 'dailies', most of those knees shown off by mini-skirts, are quite offensive to look at. They should have carried a warning, "Do Not Look If You...
Read full storyCameron Catches a Break, Obama Moves US Into "Most Hated Country" Status After Only 14 Months in Charge!
It took over 6 centuries for Britain to be universally hated according to apologist PM Dave Cameron, but it was announced today by an independent international Think Tank President Barry Obama's reign only took 14 1/2 months to surpass the Brits...
Read full storyBoehner Refuses to Cut Funding to Congressional Tanning Salon
Washington D.C.- While the battle over budget cuts continues to wage in the capital today, House Leader John Boehner has made one thing clear, "the private congressional tanning salon IS NOT on the chopping block." In a heated discussion with Pres...
Read full storySperm Donors Monthly Gazette. Letters to the Editor
Dear Sir, As an avid onanist, I was wondering if you could publish the best place to off load my semen. Yours respectfully W. Anker London Dear Sir, In last months edition, you stated that swingers could suppliment their income by putting their jiz in a jar and selling it to a clinic. My wife and I tried this, and it has taken us a month to fill a small jam jar. What sort of pr...
Read full storyThe Police Want to Talk to Wayne Rooney Say Manchester United Club Bosses
Manchester United Football Club Bosses have revealed that Wayne Rooney is wanted for questioning by The Police. The announcement was made last night after an incident at Manchester united football club on Saturday afternoon was given wide publicity...
Read full storyClegg in Tears
The human side of Nick Clegg has been revealed in a moving article in a magazine. Unfortunately the movement was from the stomach to the throat and thence into a toilet. Clegg says he cried when he took part in the destruction of the NHS. 'Remembe...
Read full storyNick Clegg "Not A Punchbag" Confirms Expert
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has been complaining about recent stinging criticism. In response to vitriolic attacks he said: "I'm a human being. I'm not a punchbag - I've got feelings." He makes the comments in the latest edition of New Sta...
Read full storyDylan Plays In China
Bob Dylan fulfilled a lifelong ambition last night by playing a concert in China. The performance took place at the Workers Gymnasium in Central Beijing. To commemorate the event, he's brought out a compilation of his greatest hits, specifically tailored to his new found audience : Its All Over Mao, Baby Blue Positivery 4th Street Fujiyama, You've Been On My Mind Its Alright Ma (I...
Read full story"Put Granny on an Ice Floe for Just Pennies a Day!"
A provision in Congressman Paul Ryan's budget had gone unnoticed until late last night when a reporter found s new government program buried deep within the proposal. It is listed under the section, Eliminating Obamacare and is titled: Put Granny on...
Read full storyGeorge Lucas says he is not related to Matt Lucas
George Lucas, the man behind the incredibly successful Star Wars trilogy and the less successful Star Wars trilogy, has come out and stated that he is not related to Matt Lucas, bald headed star of Little Britain. "Contrary to claims," said George...
Read full storyInternet Explorer 9 has a Porn Filter
Microsoft have admitted that the latest version of their browser blocks all pornographic material by default. "One of the biggest complaints we receive," said IE9 designer, Oprah Safari, "is the accidental viewing of porn." According to researc...
Read full storyWayne Rooney Offered Drastic Advice By Ryan Giggs Yoga Guru
Wayne Rooney has been offered some life changing advice by the Lifestyle and Yoga Guru of Ryan Giggs. The guru says that Rooney will never be happy unless he makes changes to his life. Change number one would involve giving away all his money t...
Read full storyDancing Elephants
Sociologists have long since claimed that dancing in humans is a form of courtship display, no different from the dancing done by Birds of Paradise or Blue Footed Boobies. However, this is hotly contested with dancing a common feature across all huma...
Read full storyObama 'Crown of Thorns' scar is exact match for Vatican reliquary
London - A British Museum exhibition of holy artefucts may hold the key to unlocking the mystery of President Obama's 'Crown of Thorns' cranial scarring. Photos published this week show distinctive messianic patterns under the President's haircut...
Read full storyRevolutionary weightloss program requires no calorie counting or exercise
A revolutionary new diet has been revealed by the Science Department at Weightlookers that allows people to burn extra calories without increasing their exercise amount. Crucially, this diet works better the more that you weigh. "We call it the Aw...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie Furious As She Finds An 'Explicitly Lewd Upskirt' Photo of Jennifer Aniston in Brad Pitt's Car
PROVENCE, France - Fireworks erupted on the grounds of the $26 million mansion according to several of the estate employees. One of the swimming pool caretakers identified as Chevalier Franchot LaFry, 43, said that he was cleaning the leaves out of the pool when he heard quite a commotion coming from the garage area. He walked over and noticed that Mr. Pitt and Ms. Jolie were arguing at the...
Read full storyBeyAators
The best show, as of 1976, has been the national and the international news. Such shows have been full of suspense, excitement and incongruities, which make us laugh. As to the actors, they are all genuine, not acting nose-jobbers! From Bangladesh to Western Sahara, we see bearded men in long white robes marching while carrying long thick sticks, shouting. Needless to say that the mind of t...
Read full storyWisconsin Governor Scott Walker Is Now Blaming His Anti-Union Bill On "Witchcraft"
MADISON, Wisconsin - The governor of the "Cheese State" (i.e. Wisconsin) has been catching so much flack, grief, outrage, and resentment over the way he ignored the rights of his state's union workers by outlawing their right to enter into collective...
Read full storyKate Middleton Shocked At The "Special Aid" Allegations
LONDON - Less than one month ago Kate Middleton expressed to one of her closet friends Winnie Figgyfurst, 36, that she was starting to have second thoughts about the Royal Wedding. Figgyfurst confided to Ta Ta For Now News that Kate had literally...
Read full storyUnion disbands
Surprising news today when the National Union of Non-labourers (NUN) disbanded. The group represents the interests of a wide variety of middle-class professions. The union's leader, Mr Bob Shaft, explained. "We feel that there is nothing left for...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars And American Idol Face The Axe
And that's not all - the future of X-Factor USA also appears to be in doubt, and neither Cheryl Cole nor Simon Cowell is to blame. Sitting in a comfortable leather upholstered swivel chair, Ryan Seacrest declared that the problems permeating the s...
Read full storyPresident Obama to Enter NBA Draft
Washington D.C.- President Barack Obama has announced that he will be entering the NBA draft this year. He will hire an agent, effectively ending his career as President. "I have decided to pursue what I love, which is basketball. I had thought a...
Read full storyIsle Of Wight Shopkeeper Earns Accolade For Customer Service
A Ventnor shopkeeper has earned a top accolade from a prestigious retail consortium for providing "tip-top, beyond-the-call" customer service. Daisy Prang, who runs the general store in Pillock Hill Road, has received a rosette from the Castleford...
Read full storySecurity Expert Fears Return To Violence After N Ireland Bodies Dissolved
A top security expert is predicting a return of "The Troubles" in Northern Ireland after it was revealed that two of the bodies overseeing the winding down of paramilitary groups have been dissolved. The Independent International Commission on Dec...
Read full storyThe Seductively Sexy Julianne Hough Reveals That The "Erotically Provocative" Photos On The Internet Proclaiming To Be Her Are Not
LOS ANGELES - American Idol's Ryan Seacrest and his girlfriend Julianne Hough were recently having dinner at the five-star Fiery Tongue of The Dragon Restaurant noted world-wide for their Moo Moo Goo Goo Boo Boo Crab Rangoon. Afterwards they were approached by a long time friend of Ryan's Chipper Caruso of Cowbell Notes Music Magazine. Caruso, who is no relation to Anthony, Abner, or David Caru...
Read full storyPrince William Says The Rumor Of His "Lustfully Lascivious" Lap Dance From Heidi Montag Is Simply Not True
LONDON - The soon-to-be wed Prince William recently attended a surprise birthday party for one of his childhood friends Wycliffe Burgershire at Wycliffe's home in Upper Tooting. Wycliffe is the long time friend who first taught William all about f...
Read full storyLady Gaga Caught Surfing "In The Buff" Down At Cabo San Lucas
CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico - Lady Gaga flew down to Mexico to get away from the maddening crowd of El Lay as well as to ease her mind regarding her recent highly publicized feud with Beyonce and the lawsuit filed against her by The Lady Gaga Day Care Cen...
Read full storyRoyal Wedding - Prince Harry - Who's The Daddy?
In a shameful display of guttersnipe journalism at the very nadir of good taste - there are certain dirty minded bastards who have started to question who good Prince Harry's real father is. The problem has arisen since brothers, Harry and William...
Read full storyTEA Party auctions off U.S. government
In a continuing story, about the recent shutdown, of the U.S. capital, it has been learned that, because President Obama has refused to terminate all assistance programs, for the needy, that the TEA Party has begun accepting offers, to purchase the...
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