No Vuvuzelas Responsible for Buzzing at Marlins' Baseball Game
Miami, FL - Viewers tuning in Saturday to see the baseball game between the Florida Marlins and the Washington Nationals may have thought they were hearing the familiar sound of vuvuzelas as a distinct buzzing sound seemed to permeate the air. On...
Read full storyWii Kama Sutra Injuries Increase
Hospitals have launched a safety campaign following an alarming rise in the number of accidents caused by Computer games. Professor Green from the department of Health and Computer Safety told us: 'With the rising popularity of games such as...
Read full storySudoku Addiction on the increase
Watchdogs have launched a warning amongst the over 40's, that Sudoku addiction is on the way up. Dr Smith, a passing Dr told us: 'Yes, I believe it is the case that more and more people are turning to Sudoku for meaning in their lives, and for ke...
Read full storyGrand Theft Bathtub
A new game has recently been developed, to appeal directly to the increasing number of elderly 'Silver Surfers'. Grand Theft Bathtub is a sister programme to Grand Theft Auto, but at a far slower pace, and is named in honour of the BBC's comedy g...
Read full storyEtch a Sketch Artist loses life's work in earthquake
Mr Leonardo Smith, 27, has seen his life's work destroyed in an earthquake. The Earthquake only measured 0.7 on the Richter scale, but the artist works solely on Etch a Sketches. The retro 80's favourite was seen as a fore-runner for many graphic...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Mountebanks Sighted Near Calbourne
Island retailers are likely to be bracing themselves for a new challenge to their various customer-bases after two reported sightings of 19th-century mountebanks in the Calbourne area yesterday, writes Business, Fishing & Education Correspondent...
Read full storyChinese think tank says "After Tibet, China very pleased with its growing occupation of Pakistan"
ISLAMABAD: A Chinese think tank has confirmed the unspoken - that China is extremely pleased with its deftly-handled occupation of Pakistan. An unnamed source stated: "After its occupation of Tibet and purging of Tibetan values the Chinese Party...
Read full storyCristiano Ronaldo BabyMomma wants her son back!
Miami, Florida - (Reuterus): Hyper-lactating American-Sicilian burger waitress Silviana Ponzi's surrogacy deal has gone sour. The dusky 21 year-old is reportedly suing for the immediate return of her baby by Portuguese football captain Cristiano...
Read full storySuBo fanatics declare war - on themselves!
Red scarves were flying earlier today, when the favourite meeting place of the Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies descended into chaos. Trouble started earlier in the day when it was revealed the chief fanatic was, in fact, an alien f...
Read full storyLady Gaga Says Elton John Is A Freak
"That old queen?", Lady Gaga told reporters Wednesday when asked about Elton John being a trendsetter in glamour rock. "He's just weird, he's no trend setter." According to Gaga, Elton John was too shy to do anything for years but wear an outlandi...
Read full storyJustin Bieber A father at 16?
The latest word on the streets of fandom is that young Justin Bieber is going to be a dad. Of course, he has denied that it is true, but a certain young lady from the Nashville area claims that while Justin was on tour there she wound up with he...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Swimming With The Goldfish in Newby Village
SWIMMING WITH THE GOLDFISH by Suzie Jones If you ever find yourself with an hour on your hands in Newby Village, on a calm day, go down to the river behind the Chip Shop and talk to the owner, Gordie Howe, who docks his dinghy there. He is the gatekeeper of one of the most exciting, interactive nature adventures on The Isle of Wight - Swimming With The Goldfish. A 5 minute dingh...
Read full storyBrave Cameron dispenses with Foreign Orifice translators for Tuesday's White House summit
Washington AC/DC - (Specious Relationship News): The move flies in the face of official government guidelines insisting that interpreters are always present at top level state summits. New UK Prime Monster David Cameron has demanded the right to t...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - The Smith Family Reunion, Newby
FAMILY REUNION by Simon Crowell The Smith family gathered last weekend on the outskirts of Newby Village on The Isle of Wight, for their Family Reunion, which is held every 5 years. I chatted with Jeff Smith about the reunion and he told me over 20 family members attended from as far away as Ryde and Wooton. As most of you know, the Smith family is a noted family in Ryde touching bas...
Read full storyWilliam's Welsh shagging hideaway to cost extra £1.4 million in police protection
Anglesey - (Rutters): The cost of shagging Kate Middleton at a bijou neo-postimperialist newbuild Welsh hideyhole has soared to £1.4 million. Police protection squads will mount a 24/7 guard on William and his stick insect girlfriend at their Holy...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Newby Nature Notes
NEWBY NATURE NOTES: by Billy Murray What do birds and bats have in common? Eyes. Birds enjoy flying around and not bumping into things, but bats don't use their eyes for the same purpose. Bats use a type of radar in order to achieve the same result. However, since the discovery of the white-nose syndrome in bats found living in Newby village, Isle of Wight, there is a possiblity...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Newby gets new Pound Shop
The second and newest Pound Shop, located at 134 King Street in Newby, celebrated its opening with an official ribbon cutting ceremony on July 5th. The full service Pound Shop is ideally located in Newby with ample parking and a storefront directly across from the other Pound Shop in Newby. The Pound Shop's partners, Miguelle Jesus and Krazy Hernshaw were on hand for the ribbon cutting ceremon...
Read full storyScotland to be dismantled in search for Tobin victims
Police sources today revealed that they are planning a major operation in Scotland in the search for victims of serial killer Peter Tobin. Tobin is thought to have started his killing career in the Scottish city of Glasgow in the 1960's as the i...
Read full storyTommy Cooper's Capello Index: - Post 2010 FIFA World Cup.
Wembley, North London: The Tommy Cooper Capello Index is a statistical system devised by Tommy Cooper to award players a score out of 100, which uses an objective system that measures and evaluates the performances of players. Tommy Cooper's Cape...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Freshwater Man Completes 100th Walk to Tennyson Monument
Freshwater milkman Ken Munnion was celebrating yesterday, writes Local Government, Traffic News and Local Snippets Correspondent, Sandi Castle. Mr Munnion was in high spirits as he raised a glass of his favourite beer, Mattock's Old Knacker, among...
Read full storyHindu Terrorism: Highly Amateurish Don't Worry-Analyst
Saffron Terror has been doing the rounds in the Indian news, especially after a "democratic" mob tore up a few plants at TV channel in the Indian Capital. The channel allegedly said things the innocent mob didn't like. What will it take for these guy...
Read full storyDaily Mail admits to being a bit Judgemental
A recent downfall in sales of the Daily Mail have led to a change of heart from the notoriously right wing, holier-than-thou, moral guardians, and judgemental word freaks who work for the popular newspaper. A spokesman for the paper, Ignatius Pra...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - 'Back of the Wight' Archaeological Study Published
The University of Newport Department of Archaeology has published the results of its lengthy 'Back of the Wight' area study, writes Local History, Country Matters and Gardening Correspondent, Percy Trowel. The study was funded with the help of spo...
Read full storyParis Busted For Pot Again, Still No Arrests
Hotel heiress Paris Hilton was detained at an airport on the French Island of Corsica after authorities discovered she had a small amount of pot in her purse. The same thing happened two weeks ago at the World Cup, then completely dropped out of t...
Read full storyITV's Daybreak to have 'Credible Journalism'
'Daybreak' ITV's grave yard programme for Adrian 'Where have I left my smile?' Chiles and Christine 'I have more than enough for both of us' Bleakley will contain 'credible journalism' said many pundits, for fear that changes to GMTV may have been to...
Read full storyPaul Ross to have enlarged role at the BBC
Following his brother's departure from the BBC, Paul Ross is in talks with BBC Management. Best known as a talking head for hire, and for appearing on various satellite channels, Paul Ross is the brother of multi-millionaire Television Host, Jonatha...
Read full storyBrick Saving to be new Olympic Sport
Following England's woeful turn at the World Cup, British sport's chiefs are looking to field a strong team for the 2012 Olympics, to be staged in what is now London, but in future times could be called Cleggsville, or Cameron Villas. Mr Russell...
Read full storyZsa Zsa Gabor Hospitalized Over Broken Tail Bones
Zsa Zsa Gabor's publicist says the 123-year-old actress has been rushed to a hospital after a hard sneeze blew her out of her bed and breaking several tail bones. John Blanchette says Gabor was apparently watching television in her Bel Air home Sa...
Read full storyCameroon Backs Down Over Moat
Prime Minister David Cameroon has been forced to make a humiliating withdrawal of his Commons statements regarding Raoul Moet, the legendary Geordie wife-beater, tree-surgeon and wannabee cop-killer who was given the death penalty by Nothumbrain poli...
Read full storyPink Taken To Hospital After Accident With Vuvuzela
The US singer Pink has been taken to hospital in Germany after an onstage stunt with a vuvuzela went drastically wrong. The star, holding the vuvuzela like a witches broom, fell out of a harness which was supposed to carry her over the crowd, and...
Read full storyZsa Zsa Gabor Taken To Hospital After Accident With Vuvuzela
Zsa Zsa Gabor is in hospital after falling out of bed onto a vuvuzela. Her publicist John Blanchette said the 93-year-old actress, who is an avid soccer fan, had been watching a re-run of the Germany v. England World Cup game on television in her...
Read full storyCatheter and Drug Ads Banned From TV
The FTC announced today that they are banning all drug ads that deal with bodily functions and mental conditions. A spokesman commenting on the ban made the following statement, "When we saw the catheter ads, we thought, enough is enough. It has gone...
Read full storyThe Girl In This Picture Likes Pointing at Things
A girl named Maria Jones has admitted that she cannot stop pointing at things and smiling. Maria, 19, says she walks down the street and just points her finger at everything she sees and smiles at it. "I am a silly billy", she said, pointing at...
Read full storyTommy Cooper's England 0 V 0 Algeria. - Full Match Analytical Report
Green Point Stadium, Cape Town, Friday 18th June 2010. With their heads still in the clouds after the 1 V 1 draw against USA, surely this match would see Alan Smith's rallying call, "Seize the day Wayne and win over the World!" come to fruition.
Read full storyPoll Indicates That Liberals Believe Bush Is a GOD
ARKHAM, MASSACHUSETTS - As political and economic troubles continue in the US, the American media still insists that President Obama is doing the best job that can be expected in a situation of Herculean adversity. However, using Christina Romer's 20...
Read full storyABC replaces BBC
In an audacious move the Coalition Government has established the ABC (Australian Broadcasting Corporation) to replace the old BBC. This new organisation, to be run by Murdoch & Son follows the ennoblement of Rupert Murdoch who has become Lord Mu...
Read full storyVirgin Galactic Promotes Itself with a Ragtag of 'Celebs'
Virgin Galactic's Richard Branson has pulled off a coup by inviting a curious bunch of celebrities to be the first to experience their ambitious new spaceship 'thingymebob' flying above the Earth's atmosphere. Although this was initially hailed as...
Read full storyNoted Obstetrician Claims Technology Available to Make Androgynous Babies
Budapest, Hungary - A noted Hungarian obstetrician, Dr. Uri Legonalaff has devoted his life to studying obstetric genetics in order to perfect a test that would allow women to know within the first few weeks of pregnancy what the sex of their child i...
Read full storyLetters from Summer Camp
Hi Mommy, Greetings from Camp Wigwam. Did you know how dangris this camp was befor you sent me her? Timmy my bunk buddey got bit by a snake today but dont worey, he aint dying or nothin. Tomorrow we get to go rock climbing at the gorge. I know you aint religos, but plese say a prayer, ok? In case I cant say it later, I love you a lot, mom, and don't worey, I aint that scared. Yur so...
Read full storyIsle Of Wight News - Ryde Teenager Wins 'Island's Biggest Tits' Contest
Ryde teenager Ingrid Topbollix awoke this morning to her first day as the girl with the biggest tits on the island, after running second last year to Chesty Jordan of Cowes. Ingrid, 19, of Jiggy Street in Ryde is looking forward to assuming her ci...
Read full storyAlice Cooper, John Lydon and Boy George To Join Take That Too!
Rumours are currently circulating that Take That have not only offered to give fading star Robbie Williams a job - to keep him off the streets - but that they have also recruited Alice Cooper, John Lydon, and Boy George into the act. Could It Be M...
Read full storyKatie Price In Crap Death Threat Publicity Stunt
After shamelessly pushing herself as a replacement for Cheryl Tweedy (Cole) on the X-Factor, and slipping from the headlines of the Daily Scar for the second time in three years, Katie Price now claims that Death Squads are out to kill her. Most c...
Read full story9 Out of 10 Downeast Mainers Thought Vacationing Obama Was Either Goodluck Johnson Or Robert Mugabe on Asylum Seeking Trip!
Downeast Mainers were left with dropped jaws over the weekend when their daily lives were constantly interrupted by armed security guards, and hi speed black limousines in convoy careening around the narrow laid back country lanes of Mt. Desert Islan...
Read full storyEl Chupacabra Arrested for Illegal Immigration
An El Chupacabra, or simply "Goat Sucker," was arrested in the town of Tubac, Arizona for illegal immigration. The Goat Sucker, or Enrico Encarnacion as he likes to be called, was also found with a kilo of cocaine in his prison wallet, or anal c...
Read full storyTaylor Lautner To Be Bigger Than Robert Pattinson Says Perez Hilton
Overrated internet sensation Perez Hilton - who with a mere 10 million daily readers is only marginally more popular than theSpoof.com - has informed the world, that in his opinion, Taylor Lautner will become much bigger than Twilight love rival, Rob...
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