Captain Caveman is alive!
Prehistory's own champion, Captain caveman was found to be quite alive today. His cocaine overdose death was nothing but a rumour. Captain Caveman was working undercover, in a sense, for the authorities. Captain Caveman, or Cavie to his closest fr...
Read full storyBrittany Murphy 'seizure' findings calm LA studio bosses
Los Angeles - (Propofool): Studio bosses have breathed a sigh of relief today after a preliminary lab report says Brittany Murphy 'probably died of a seizure' after seeing her husband's 2001 divorce settlement papers from ex-wife Simone Bienne. Ea...
Read full storyLego City Mayor Implicated in Corruption Charges, Sex Scandal
Since its founding in 1978, Lego City has suffered through a history of controversial expansion, interminable redevelopment and what most residents consider "pure chaos." Accusations of illicit gerrymandering -- executed through back door political...
Read full story"Rest is Best" Memory Study Confirms "Jellyfish Hypothesis"
A new study by Psychologists at the University of Jutland claims that having a break after learning something might help the brain to remember it. Even a short rest might prove useful, the new research headed by Professor Jens Convolvulus suggests...
Read full storyTevez & Mancini - The Love Affair's Over!
Yes, its officially Over! 1 Month in and there's more trouble at Eastlands. After the disappointment of Wednesday night, Roberto Mancini has announced that "to compete with the World's big clubs, we need to bring in some new faces". On hearing...
Read full storyObese People Face Excess Cremation Charges
The West Midlands town of Scrubbington today became the first local authority to introduce a surcharge for cremating morbidly obese people in an attempt to offset some of the expenses it pays out to have such cremations executed. The problem is th...
Read full storyCouncil Cans Conk Custom
A council has banned a four hundred year old tradition after it claimed it was both offensive and obscene. The annual Chipping Bassett Arse Sniffing Contest involved local men being blindfolded, kneeling next to the buttocks of willing volunteers...
Read full storyLocal Man's Wife Won't Let Him Piss inside Caves
Local man John Cavendish, 32, is an avid potholer who enjoys nothing more than spending a Sunday afternoon wandering about in caves, seeking darkened areas in which to have a piss. But no more. His wife Mary, 31, has banned him from sneaking of...
Read full storyNew Cunning plan: Millions to be paid to terrorists
War Mongering politicians of the world got together today with the latest plan for Afghanistan give the people they have been calling insurgents and terrorists namely the Taliban millions and millions of pounds. This must be one of the craziest pl...
Read full storyTaliban fighters are to be paid for their services announce world leaders!
With a brand new strategy to end the war in Afghanistan world leaders have decided that instead of fighting the Taliban they should pay them for their services (what?). This grand idea was devised by the non-corrupt (cough, cough) President Karz...
Read full storyBoyle Virus Outbreak Leaves Millions Dead (Bored)
An outbreak of the killer Boyle Virus, also known as the Suboylo Virus, has swept the world and left millions feeling dead bored and listless. The virus was first created in a special laboratory by the evil Dr Cowell, who then released it into the...
Read full storyGandhi's Handy Shandy Secret Revealed
Official papers just released have finally cleared up one of history's greatest mysteries. Why was Gandhi so passive? The answer: he was knackered because he used to jerk off over a hundred times a night. He was so tired he even wandered round in she...
Read full storyTesco ban bare footed slobs in pyjamas, whatever next!
Tesco, Britains largest supermarket, has had the cheek to ban all barefooted people wearing pyjamas, nightgowns, only their undies and sometimes, nothing. A spokesman, Dame Mary Whitehouse Jnr. said: "It is embarrassing for other customers when...
Read full storyMother Teresa Alive And Well, Living In Nuneaton
Mother Teresa, the prune faced nun with the heart of gold and the slightly right wing tendencies is not dead. Reports that she had died were a mistake. She was just asleep, but when you look like her it's difficult to tell sometimes. Mo' T (as she...
Read full storyAlito Announces "Not True" Brand of Corporate Whoredom Products
Samuel Alito revealed today that he mouthed "Completely Not True" during the State of the Union address to publicize his new line of clothing for corporate whores. "Formerly, judges were required to pretend to some sort of impartiality in public,"...
Read full storyHard times keep coming for the Smurfs
Things are not good for the little blue folks. First they lost nearly everything to Scrappy Doo, and then were forced to move to a single dwelling made for them by Habitat for Humanity. The lost one of their number, Farmer Smurf, to prison after it w...
Read full storyDriver Fined For Scratching Arse
A driver has been fined for scratching his arse whilst in a long line of traffic. Stig O'Grady of Wellingborough was at the wheel of his Ford Cockring when traffic built up near the ring road. O'Grady sat for over an hour without moving. It was th...
Read full storyState Of The Union: Republicans Sit On Hands
Republicans Sat On their Hands at the State of the Union speech. Rudeness, ADD, Or Sexual Dysfunction? Experts Disagree. For the first time in history, a panel of psychologists on cable TV analyzed the reaction of members of Congress to a State of...
Read full storyManchester United v Manchester Meerkats
Alex Ferguson manager of Manchester United has agreed to a friendly match between Manchester United and the amateur team Manchester Meerkats. The manager of Manchester Meerkats Alexander Furguson is delighted that his team will have a chance to pl...
Read full storySusan Boyle Threatened With Eviction For Being A Noisy Neighbour
Susan Boyle, the oldest-looking 47-year-old woman in the world, has incurred the wrath of the local council this week for persistent noise pollution, and has been told that, unless she curbs her enthusiasm for singing, she faces eviction from the cou...
Read full storyThe Controversial Pregnancy of Pebbles Flintstone
Wilma Flintstone released a statement today that she does not believe that alcohol played any part in her daughter's 27 car accident two days ago. "Pebbles was going into false labour, and that can be really scary for a girl her age." Pebbles,...
Read full storyHolocaust Day Passes Off Without So Much As A Peep
There were widespread celebrations in thousands of Jewish communities all over the world today, as Happy Holocaust Day passed off peacefully without major incident or mass exterminations. Happy Holocaust Day marks the alleged events during World W...
Read full storyJohn Edwards/Rielle Hunter sex tape 'a hoax' says Hollywood madam Michelle Braun
Los Angeles - (Savage in Limbo): "It's just a lil ole tongue-in-cheek teaser," the former Hollywood brothelkeeper chuckled today, "shot by pals of Jay McInerney!" Braun was talking to reporters following the release of Zaprudder-like footage of Se...
Read full storyDon't Panic! E Bay Doesn't Like It Up 'Em
E Bay has banned the sale of a board game based on the popular British comedy 'Dad's Army'. The reason given was 'inciting racial hatred' because the box features several swastikas. A 12 year old boy was asked to comment. "I think E bay is totally...
Read full storyAlex Trebek Banned from Montreal Restaurant
Making French-Canadian headlines followed by spill over to the world press, Alex Trebek, Long standing host of the popular Jeopardy game show, was banned from a five star restaurant in Montreal this week. Patrons at the same restaurant claim that...
Read full storyOprah Gives Jay Leno a New Car
After weeks of being battered in the press for his tactics on reclaiming the late night time slot away from Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno agreed to do an in-depth interview on Oprah's couch early this week. The pre-recorded episode will feature Leno's lar...
Read full storyStockport Train Station announces record cancellations!
Stockport Train Station has this morning announced a record number of ticket cancellations for journeys to London on Sunday 28th February, the number of tickets is believed to be in thousands. Astonishingly, all the tickets were purchased between 10.
Read full storyO'Bomba Outlines Jobs Emphasis, Appoints Steve Jobs as New Jobs Czar in "No Jobs Left Behind Program"
President O'Bomba, under great pressure to turn the economy around and get 25 million unemployed workers back to work, made jobs a priority in his State of the Union Speech tonight. In a Government Growth Initiative Extravaganza, O'Bomba created...
Read full storyGary Glitter to Open Day Nursery
Gary Glitter is set to make a spectacular comeback into public life - by opening a children's nursery. From his secluded mansion in the hilltops overlooking the town Glitter (real name Paul Madd) said "I stare out of my window looking at the chil...
Read full storyCindy McCain and Daughter Meghan McCain Agree To Pose Nude
NOGALES, Arizona - Senator John McCain's wife, Cindy and their daughter Meghan were in town visiting one of Mrs. McCain's seven mansions. Mother and daughter had a great time enjoying the noon-time Mexican food buffet at Senor Pancho Villa's Mexic...
Read full storyJennifer Garner to run for Homecoming Queen at George Washington High School
SOUTH HILLS, CHARLESTON, WV (ABSNN) -- Hollywood honey, Jennifer Garner, has decided to return to her high school alma mater, George Washington High School, in the cake eating section of Charleston, West Virginia, South Hills, and run for Home Coming...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Has A Vaginoplasty Procedure
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Lindsay Lohan has recently had more ups and downs than an amusement park roller coaster. She has survived the harsh breakup of the love of her life Samantha Ronson. She has accepted the fact that no movie studio wants her to star...
Read full storyHard Times for the Smurfs
The Smurfs have not had an easy time of things lately. After Hefty Smurf was arrested and imprisoned for steroid abuse, the entire village fell victim to Scrappy Doo's pyramid scheme and lost everything. It looked like the whole village would end up...
Read full storyFlintstone Shocker
Barney Rubble announced today in a press conference, that he is indeed homosexual and in a relationship with Melvin Sandstone. This news rocked Bedrock as if an earthquake had rumbled through town. "I never knew," says longtime friend Fred Flintst...
Read full storyTV Talent Gene-ius!
Applications for reality TV gameshows has steadily increased over the last five years. There appears to be no end of hopefuls who seem to want their 'fifteen minutes of fame' as singers, dancers, actors, Big Brother housemates. Recent genetic test...
Read full storyPamella Anderson's Breasts Only available as a Set
Famous Chocolate Company Makes News Again - The designers are always hard at work thinking of new famous people to turn into chocolate delicacies and they think they have come up with "another winner", says the production manager. It is understoo...
Read full storyCruise Line Announces Educational "How the Other Half Live" Vacations
There's an old Haitian proverb: "Behind the mountains, there are mountains." Behind those mountains are smaller mountains. Behind those smaller mountains is an enclosure. And behind that enclosure is a tropical paradise rented out to a Caribbean crui...
Read full storyNew Health Initiative for Office Workers
A new item of legislation is to be passed under the existing 'Health and Safety at work' suite of laws. Following several health studies undertaken between April 2007 and October 2009, it is evident that many office workers continue to experience...
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