A council has banned a four hundred year old tradition after it claimed it was both offensive and obscene.
The annual Chipping Bassett Arse Sniffing Contest involved local men being blindfolded, kneeling next to the buttocks of willing volunteers, whilst probing the inner depths of the freshly wiped arse cheeks. The man who was able to delve deepest with least discolouration of the nose and able to correctly describe the age and sex of the slaughtered lamb that the volunteer had eaten for lunch the previous day, would be crowned Master Arse Sniffer and also receive a years supply of nasal inhalers.
Councillor Edward Dawkins described the event as a 'disgusting practice that no longer had a place in modern society.' He added 'The people involved are a handful of troublemakers whose idea of entertainment is ritual humiliation of innocent members of the community.'
However, event organiser Derek Travis has reacted furiously to the councillors comments. 'This tradition has taken place in the community for centuries so how dare one man think he can erase the memories of generations of local people simply because he thinks there's something wrong with young lads sticking their noses up the anal passage of a 75 year old woman. It's sour bloody grapes if you ask me. Ever since his son lost out to my boy last year claiming the markings on his nose were a bad case of freckles and not back passage precipitation, he's had the right hump. Just because my lad has a hooter like an anteater and his son is a noseless four-eyed ginger freak he's decided the only way of getting any success is to create a brand new competition.'
Councillor Dawkins denies these allegations but he did confirm that he does intend to introduce a new contest. 'It's about time we moved out of the dark ages... or dark (pass)ages' he chuckled, 'This year Chipping Bassett will be holding the first Copper Bollocked Coiffuring contest. Instead of locals having to watch young men sniffing unsightly buttocks they can now watch young men sculpturing their ginger pubes into Mohicans with soap.'
