The West Midlands town of Scrubbington today became the first local authority to introduce a surcharge for cremating morbidly obese people in an attempt to offset some of the expenses it pays out to have such cremations executed.
The problem is that Scrubbington's two cremation ovens - installed in the late 1950's aren't large enough to cope with todays excessive obesity levels, meaning that some clients have to be sent to Wolverhampton to be cremated, because Wolverhampton has recently invested in a super sized fan assisted oven.
Councillor Dedryck Mombassa told us:
"It is true. Unfortunately. We have been left with no option other than to introduce a surcharge for the cremation of morbidly obese people. That surcharge will be in the region of £100, which will barely cover the cost of the truck we hire to transport the bodies to Wolverhampton. I stress that this not a money-making scheme. We are merely trying to recoup money which is currently provided by the local council tax payer. People just weren't as obese back in the 50's, and we can't afford one of the modern biggie burners, so we have to make the best of the available options."
We also spoke to crematorium workers Sid and Charlie, with over seventy years experience in the body-torching business between them.
"We nivver had no trouble till the late eighties," Sid told us. "Then folks started gerrin bigger, an' bigger still. We used ter cram 'em in at first, like. Burrit got harder and harder as them got bigger."
"Too roight," Charlie agreed. "Wuz used ter squash em in a bit like, but then after yer minnellium, them got so bleedin' 'uge, wuz had ter lever 'em in wi' shovels an crowbars an that. It were like tryin' ter stuff a bread roll intr a beer bottle..."
"Aye. Yo Charlie - remember that fat bleeder wuz had ter chop the arms an' legs offa?" Sid cackled. "Just so's him'd fit in the burner?"
"Wuz ain't s'pposed ter mention that Sid. Wuz swore nevva ter mention thar ever agin..."
"Sorry Charlie. Burrit were before Wolverhampton loike."
"Shurrup Sid. Juss less it!"
At which point we made our excuses and left.
More bone burning bullshit as we get it.