Oprah Gives Jay Leno a New Car

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Thursday, 28 January 2010

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After weeks of being battered in the press for his tactics on reclaiming the late night time slot away from Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno agreed to do an in-depth interview on Oprah's couch early this week. The pre-recorded episode will feature Leno's larger than normal chin, some claim is akin to the function of Pinocchio's nose, while Oprah challenges Leno for reneging on O'Brien's deal, followed by Oprah's gift of a new car for Jay's participation in her show.

While Oprah did her level best to draw tears from the unflappable Leno, Dr. Phil tried his hand at getting Jay to talk about how terrible his childhood was, whether it was terrible or not. Leno remained firm, talking about how difficult the past months have been for him, but the audience did not appear to be sympathetic.

The recording session took six hours to complete, compared to an average of two, "mostly because of the unscheduled wardrobe changes", says Oprah stage hand Andy Duzzent. As Leno would start off with another of an apparent set of pre-planned soliloquies, some audience members chose to react to his comments with the gift of fruit and vegetables, apparently pre-softened for easier digestion.

The final cut of the show will feature Jay in no less than five different shirt-jacket combinations and a slight bruise under his left eye towards the end of the segment. Attendees gave Jay high marks for agility on stage, but not necessarily for personal integrity.

Oprah's final surprise at the end of the show included the gift of a fully loaded black 2010 Toyota Avalon. The action allowed producers to shift attention back to Oprah, just the way she likes it, while denying that the car model selection had anything to do with their feelings toward Leno. Watch that sticky pedal, Jay.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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