Alito Announces "Not True" Brand of Corporate Whoredom Products

Funny story written by rewinn

Thursday, 28 January 2010

image for Alito Announces "Not True" Brand of Corporate Whoredom Products
Corporate Money is Now Free to Choose Presidents, thanks to the Supreme Corporation!

Samuel Alito revealed today that he mouthed "Completely Not True" during the State of the Union address to publicize his new line of clothing for corporate whores.

"Formerly, judges were required to pretend to some sort of impartiality in public," Alito explained, "During State of the Union addresses, judges sat calmly. What a waste! This speech is an important marketplace for judges and our corporate backers to pitch valuable products, such as my new line of intimate apparel for those who do intimate favors for corporations. Please don't call us whores!"

Alito denied that he had shown poor judicial temperament. "Judges have a right to express ourselves when anyone else is speaking; interrupting people from the bench is what we do. Anyway, who is this so-called 'President' to hog the microphone? Maybe I'll just decide next time that the word 'President' doesn't necessarily mean include whoever gets the most votes."

"The best part is: if anyone wants to register an obection," he chortled, "Who cares? We're the Supreme Court! Where are you gonna sue? Boo-yah!"

Pundits applauded this innovation in courting corporate power. "What is 'judicial temperament' anyway?" said Rupert Murdoch, "How much is it worth? American is a nation based on the Free Market, and laws that interfere with the influence of money are obviously unconstitutional. I, for one, welcome the flood of ad money from Chinese Sovereign Wealth funds and whatever investment house the Saudi Royal Family chooses to control --- all carefully 'not coordinated' with any candidate's campaign. Of course not. Heh!"

Alito made his unprecedented gesture after President Barack Obama said that, when the Court granted full personhood to corporations, it could "... open the floodgates for special interests -- including foreign corporations -- to spend without limit in our elections... ." This statement was obvious true; while corporations still have to avoid coordinating their campaign ads, they can now buy ads supporting politicians as freely as for any other product. Therefore Alito's "Not True" gesture was generally seen not as an involuntary outburst of uncontrollable rage from a mentally compromised corporate whore, but as a simple marketing ploy.

"Get your 'Not True' leather panties, fur-lined handcuffs and corporate jet decals here," said a banner ad for Alito's new CafePress Store. "Trust us: the corporate whores on the Supreme Court are the experts at 'Not True'"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more