A New Age in American Football
The first non-contact football game in NFL history was played yesterday at Giant Stadium between the NY Giants and the Chicago Bears. The event was the culmination of years of controversy and debate among politicians, physicians, and do-gooders seek...
Read full storyRowling's Mad Party at Edinburgh Mansion
Reports are coming in of mad partying at Rowling's mansion in Edinburgh. Barking dogs and loud music kept neighbours awake all night as Rowling and writer chums Ian Rankin, Neil Gaiman and McCall-Smith were seen cavorting naked under spotlights on th...
Read full storyNORAD Santa Tracker Fools No One Over 2 Years Old
NORAD, the North American Aerospace Defense Command, has decided to justify its multi-billion dollar annual budget by providing the "NORAD Tracks Santa", which purports to follow Santa Claus as he leaves the North Pole and delivers presents to (Chris...
Read full storyPork Barrel Polka
In a secret gathering held in a ballroom beneath the capitol building last night, Senator Ann Whatatush, republican from the state of Kansas was awarded a one million dollar prize, mismanaged out of the defense budget, for the years best pork barrel...
Read full storyThe majority strikes back
Senate majority leader, democrat Bea Quiet today introduced a bill stating that all republican names are in-spellable and should be left off all ballots in the future. The Bill also states that it will be retro active and applied to the last elec...
Read full storyUS version of Doctor Who planned
Doctor Who maybe one of the stalwarts of British television and a national institution, but plans are afoot for a US version of the show. The new version, with the working title 'Dr Who USA' will air on BBC America in the spring. A pilot episode is c...
Read full storyKim Jong Il Crush on Bill Richardson Intensifies after Latest Visit
Kim Jong Il is said to still be talking about the wonderful visit he had with his "American GI buddy" earlier this month. Those who know Kim Jong Il intimately claim that it was no coincidence that Richardson was chosen to travel to North Korea to di...
Read full storyCommemorative Coin Makes Kate and William Look like Snooki and the Situation
Most everyone who has seen the Royal Wedding Commemorative Coin with botched likenesses of Kate Middleton and Prince William are coming up with some very unkind things to say about them. Everything from calling William a "hunka hunka burnin' love" to...
Read full storySlim Everdingle Found Frozen In Snowbank: Family Blames Al Gore
In these parts of Nebraska, Slim Everdingle was a legend. Everyone knew Slim because of his trademark, Fruit-of-the-Loom T-shirt that he wore in rain or shine, snow or sleet, whether the temperature was 100 degrees or 30 degrees below zero. Today...
Read full storyHaley Barbour: "Some of My Best Friends Are Coloreds!"
Governor Haley Barbour of Mississippi tried yesterday to "walk back" his previous comments regarding white citizen's councils in the South. After originally saying that they performed a worthy function, he tried to re-define his comments. "I am NO...
Read full storyNew self-mutilation kit on the market
After the resounding success of his Hollywood rebore and sleeve clinic to combat the Slack Alice Sydrome prevalent among celebrities of both sexes, Dr Herman H Clitterman has just announced a startling new project. He is to return to his native Sw...
Read full storyWanted - Sense of Humour - Custom Made
Wanted - a Custom Made Sense of Humour tailored to fit. I've searched high and low for a Sense of Humour that would fit me but not make me stand out in a crowd. Merely a tasteful one that would help me 'fit in'. Having tried on many styles of different colours and worn them in public, I found that each time I went out in a 'new sense of humour' some person would find fault with it so I ende...
Read full storyDangerous Dogs Are Not Just For Christmas
Another Christmas, another tragedy, as a London woman is mauled to death by a dangerous dog. When police officers attended the scene, it took several of them to get the Belgian mastiff off its unfortunate victim, using riot shields to corral the beas...
Read full storyFrankie Boyle Proves Too Controversial For C4 Advertisers
Frankie Boyle's Channel 4 TV show, Tramadol Nights is proving to be too controversial for some advertisers, who have decided to officially block their ads from being aired before, during and after the programme. Companies such as Nestle and L'Orea...
Read full storyHoax Mayan 2012 calendar hides Queen's Christmas death prediction
London - (Yule-Be-Sorry!): A new decryption of 2012 Mayan calendar rants has found a chilling Yuletide prophecy about the Queen. Behind the gibberish of apocalyptic scares lies a pre-Columbian Mesoamerica grimoire about the end of the Merovingian...
Read full storyExclusive: Santa Claus Comes Clean With 'I'm Gay' Statement
Santa Claus, jolly fat man and present giver to children, was yesterday sensationally outed as being gay. The rotund, bearded buffoon, was snapped at a supermarket in a tender embrace with an unidentified male. Speaking from his home in Lapland...
Read full storySwing when you're winning - by Tommy Sheridan
This reporter is delighted to bring his readers an exclusive first look at Tommy Sheridans autobiography,its not due to hit the shelves at poundland until the new year but we acquired a copy from a rent boy in brighton who had been proofreading. The government would have you believe that I was born in a hospital,having been lovingly removed from my mothers womb,well don't listen to them...it wa...
Read full storyFrozen Scottish doggy refuses to pay his bus fare!
A sensible doggy caught up in the freeezing weather in Scotland did what most sensible doggies would do in such weather, jump on a bus. Apparently the doggy had a frozen tail, frozen nose, frozen cojones and lumps of ice were frozen to his fur. He...
Read full storyGod a fan of fancy dress but surprises with His selections says Pope in BBC Broadcast
God is a huge fan of fancy dress but often surprises with the characters he chooses to impersonate, the Pope has said in an unusual BBC radio broadcast. Pope Benedict's Christmas message for the UK was broadcast as the Thought For The Day on Radio...
Read full storyDavid Cameron "not to be trusted" after pub quiz row
Prime Minister David Cameron has been called "untrustworthy" and accused of cheating by back-bench Lib Dem MPs after a questionable win in the first ever Coalition government pub quiz. Mr Cameron's team called the "Eton Massive", which included Ge...
Read full storyA Black Christmas
My father always gave me good advice. He told me that when you have been found out and have absolutely no way out you should get in first by putting the best possible explanation as to how you made your terrible errors. So here goes. My wife is a wonderful woman or sadly was a wonderful woman. But she went too far in criticising my scrambled eggs. Many a dinner table has been charmed by my perf...
Read full storyTurkey From the 1951 Film SCROOGE Discovered in a Freezer - To Be Eaten at Film's 60th Anniversary!
London, England - "Boy is that 25 lb bird still at the butchers shop?" "You mean the one as big as me?" "Yes, bigger than you!.. Wonderful lad, charming fellow. Take these coins and go and buy it this instant, then take a taxi to 2 Porter Stree...
Read full storyApple release the iGlove to solve another problem with the iPhone4
In the cold weather, Apple have identified another problem with the iPhone4, they are unusable whilst wearing gloves. "It's the capacitance of the screen," said chief technical problem solver Ann Droide. "We have tuned it specifically for the huma...
Read full storyPope is convinced his God is full of Christmas surprises!
Bangalore Herald, Bagnalore, India: The Pope in his annual drivel to the world is convinced that his God is full of surprises this year as Christians begin to celebrate his son of God, Jesus (who?). Most US, Brits and other Europeans only see his...
Read full storyBill Maher Hated Oprah Winfrey's Christmas Show - Says "It Was Just Too Christmassy"
MITTEN BUTTE, Arizona - Bill Maher was speaking before a group known as Arizonian's For Arizona Only Period. Maher, or Gumby, as he is called by many, told the assembled crowd of 27 people that he is tired of people asking him why he is so damn bi...
Read full story2012: Who, of MIVILUDES and the Bugarach "New Agers " , is the most "apocalyptic"?
New Age likes to assimilate the most diverse prophecies. Those associated with the Mayan calendar are no exception. According to it, something should occur around 2012 (some have set the date to December 21, 2012). Most proponents of this prophecy se...
Read full storyThe NHHL (Northern Hemisphere Horseshoing League) a Dream that Died
This is the story of when a genius mind and a all-American recreational activity COLLIDE! Franklin Anderson Gilmore had a dream to bring the sport of Horseshoes to the nation in a BIG way - and he almost made it happen. It all began in his home...
Read full storyRow vs. Wayne - Just the facts!
You know I get asked all the time - "David how can we stop these murderers from killing our babies before they're bored" - and I say I don't know but I believe in protection of everyone from 'womb to tomb' if you know what I mean. So I guess the only way to change the mind of these high and mighty, liberal thinkers is to give them the facts and how it would affect their oh so perfect lives. Bei...
Read full storyChilean Mine Disaster - Now a Better Story!
I know that the story about the rescue of the 33 miners trapped for 69 days was very emotional for most of the world but to me the story became pretty boring after I heard the authorities were able to get fresh air, fresh water, food, books, even movies to be viewed to the miners within like 2 days. I mean it sounds to me like it ended up being a 69 day vacation from the ball and chain in the end...
Read full storyAvatar Special Edition Limited Edition Edition Second Edition Hits Cinemas
James Cameron's 2009 blockbuster, Avatar, has hit cinemas yet again, this time featuring twelve more seconds of additional footage. The latest release, branded the Special Edition Limited Edition Edition Second Edition, is said to feature "Sigour...
Read full storyFire Fighters Called To Sandringham as Fergie Chimney Stunt Goes Horribly Wrong
Royal aides are Googling for 24-hour masonry repair service in Norfolk, after Sorry, Doshless of York, had to be chipped out of a chimney at Sandringham House following a failed bid to regain entrance to the royal circle by dressing as Santa Claus.
Read full storyHoliday Stress Threatens Christmas at Sandringham
Tension coloured the Royal Family's annual gathering at Sandringham today as the burden of entertaining a houseful of relations became too much for the Queen. "As usual," sighed a Lady-in-Waiting," she's tried to do too much. She was up to three...
Read full storyReaders Problems Answered II
DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE! DON'T BOTTLE IT UP! LET IT ALL OUT! "Readers Problems Answered" Is Here To Help With This Week's Guest Editor: Key 19th Century Literary Realist and Author of The Portrait of a Lady and The Turn of the Screw HENRY JAMES Henry James certainly couldn't be accused of bottling it up, with all those novels and stories under his belt, and all his incredibly long s...
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