Chilean Mine Disaster - Now a Better Story!

Funny story written by Milo Malkavic Mendoza

Friday, 24 December 2010

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I know that the story about the rescue of the 33 miners trapped for 69 days was very emotional for most of the world but to me the story became pretty boring after I heard the authorities were able to get fresh air, fresh water, food, books, even movies to be viewed to the miners within like 2 days. I mean it sounds to me like it ended up being a 69 day vacation from the ball and chain in the end of all this. If they really wanted to make this a global event to remember and help people around the world be able to point to on a map where the hell a country named after a thick soup is even located; and to assure a 7 digit book or movie deal; then in my way of thinking this is how the miners should have reacted to the accident:

First NO FOOD. The body can handle no food like 45 days so what's the hurry. And besides remember that plane crash down there somewhere - I think in the same area as this mine thing - where they ended up eating each other? Those survivors are looked as modern-day heroes in their country and are still telling the story, writing the book, making movies and that was like 50 years ago or something. You gotta make some drama and suffering in order to make a disaster (if that's what you want to call this mine collapsing) compelling.

Second MAKE A HOLE FOR AIR AND WATER ONLY. I mean lets not be cocky - you need those two things right away or you all freak out and die. I mean these guys were miners so they weren't idiots. Hmmm maybe I'm wrong about that - I mean being down in a hole some 4-5 miles in the ground picking at rocks??? Who signs up for that? Anyway they would figure out right away they need those two things - even a monkey knows that - so drill a hole for air and throw a hose down the hole and turn on the faucet. But run the water only in 30 minute intervals. Make the trapped miners devise a system of who gets water and when they get it - just like America.

Third SEND DOWN A WEAPON but not one that is ready to use. Yeah send down like the making of a zip gun with 3 bullets. Trust me these guys are Chilayan they know how to put together a zip gun in no time. But send down like one bullet; then one piece of the gun; then another bullet; and so on. Make them wonder what the hell this is that is being dropped down the freaking hole. You know sort of like an episode of Survivor or Gilligan's Island.

My God I wished I had thought of this right when I found out about this story but I didn't pick up on it until like day 60. That reminds me there are really only two stories about the true disaster worth making a story about - first that it lasted 69 days, if you know what I mean - and second that there was this "cat fight" between a wife and a mistress of one of the miners that took place right after the collapse of the mine - hilarious - and I feel for that miner because I'm sure he is getting his ass chewed on right now (I mean as I type this) by his Chilaying wife - can you imagine how pissed she must be, AND SHE'S CHILAYIN??

Fourth SEND DOWN A CAMERA. Of course attach a note that says "START FILMING" in Chileneas or Mexican or whatever they speak down there - maybe they speak American I don't know. I heard they thought those poor bastards would be stuck down there until Christmas - perfect for the new Fall prime time shows on Versus or FX or TBS. Then start streaming it on live TV and watch the fireworks. You see if you're Chilayin around day 46 your are going to be missing your tortillas, beans and rice a little too much to just watch half naked men walking around without thinking about Fajita's right? Whoever has kept his wits enough to have assembled the zip gun will begin to seriously contemplate using it. With 33 miners down there the odds are maybe 2 or 3 will rule the rest of the group and come up with candidates. They only have 3 bullets remember so the weak ones, the ones who don't help digging out of the hole, or bitch and moan about how hungry they are or thirsty or missing their mommies, they need to be considered as candidates for… consumption. I know it sounds sick and pyhscopathical but folks it's real life.

This same thing happens everyday. Often it doesn't include eating (and I mean sautéed with onions) your neighbor but aren't a few of you guilty of taking someone elses parking spot because you know they won't challenge you on it? Don't a few of you stop a perfect stranger and say "can I see your wallet please?" and then examine it and if they have lets say $50 bucks you take out $10 dollars and hand it back and say have a nice day. If they are ballsy enough to challenge you about the $10 you helped yourself too then you simply expose the BB gun/pistol you have concealed and say "now what was that about the $10 dollars?" always answer the question with another question - nine times out of ten they start walking. Or how many of you have decided to eat at fine establishments like Denny's, VIP's or Golden Coral and then decided that the meal was filling and good but not worth paying for (or you were broke) and just left without paying? I know there will be a few of you out there that will say the Golden Coral is a buffet style joint that you have to pay up front for but I can assure you I have never paid for a meal at the GC.

So they end up dressing out one of the miners and make jerky out of him or something - I don't really know how they would do this but their miners and Chilayin so I'm sure they have ways of curing meat without refrigeration - and the other 32 get to eat. Of course the feast wouldn't take place until right around day 65 just before rescue because you would send down to them the last gift from above ground - a Hibachi! (plus charcoal and a lighter). So they eat for a couple of days, start devising a new underground government; the leaders begin taking bribes of stone weapons, precious metals and of course boots. Then like a magical earthquake BOOM! that big ass drill comes breaking through for their eventual rescue from middle earth via that human clam shovel those genius Chilaying engineers devised.

Initially you would have a few that wouldn't want to leave and would resist. Especially those in power would be super-pissed off and of course their minions and eunuchs would cry at having to leave this new insulated world. So they would sabotage the rescue pod and eventually the Chilanees would have to send down Storm Troopers to dispose of those rebels and rescue the innocent. What a truly magnificent ending to a much more interesting story.

But instead you got zero drama. All the miners got along dancing and singing and watching movies! I guess there was a "team leader" (doesn't that sound innocent) and none of them caused any drama. I guess that's what makes them different. Makes them WANT to go down 4-5 miles in the ground and pick at rocks, while I'm up here working the Money Creation System and writing this blog.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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